(Closed) Going for a third baby with a large gap

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

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anonforthisbee :  from personal experience, I think your over thinking that the kids will love it. I know some people with big age differences to their siblings (the same age gap your discussing and even larger ones) and the relationship was always strained. Older kids didn’t look at it as getting a sibling but more like the attention and they get from parent is taken away and that the new baby is more of a chore and annoyance to them than a new sibling. 

Post # 32
Member
2668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t have kids yet, but there are large gaps in my family. I’m the eldest – there is 2 years between me and my sister, then 13 years between me and my youngest sister, then 18 years between me and my half brother, and 21 years between me and my youngest half brother. Even though the age gaps are so large, I consider myself to be close with all my siblings – the sister closest in age to me is one of my best friends, and my younger siblings all know they can come to me if they need something (and they have).

Honestly, if you guys can afford to have a baby and you think you can juggle 3 kids, then I don’t think that anything else should stop you.

Post # 33
Member
7959 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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jamieosmith :  my two girls have polar opposite personalities (oldest is a tomboy and youngest is a girly girl), so they are into different things. But that is just who they are and not related to age. But my oldest will play school with my youngest and they will get out paints and crafts together. Obviously they have different interests and are at different stages, but I think they enjoy eachother as much (and as little) as siblings closer in age.

Post # 34
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

I have a third baby with a gap. I was 24 and 26 with my first two (first husband) and 34 and 36 with my second two (second husband). I wasn’t crazy about having any children past the first set and hubby agreed but the minute we were married, he got Baby Fever! LOL! He was 44 when I had Baby #3 and she was his first born and the apple of his eye. We were 36 and 46 when we had the last boy. He (hubby) passed away quite early at the age of 52 but that is abnormal and rare. You cannot predict or plan for things like that and living while trying to factor in all the possible unknowns is exhausting (and a lil bit crazy). Now I am in my 50s (with grandchildren – awesome, amazing, beautiful and perfect grandchildren) and I still have children in middle and high school. Sometimes I have the off day when I think, GEE, I’d be DONE now!! And sometimes I want to pack a bag and go on a cruise or a date or wherever and I’m still doing the MOM thang but I just love my little people so much. I’m truly thankful for them every day (well nearly). I find raising the second set soooooo much easier and more pleasant. I fretted over every single quarter with the first two and I find I can do more with and for the younger ones than I was able to do 20 years ago. I AM an older mother but to them, I’m just MOM.

Post # 35
Member
1859 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I was 8 and my brother was 6 when my youngest brother was born. The age gap was no problem in our family.  Sure, there were annoying things (for example, having a lot of noise while trying to do homework, etc).  But we liked helping out by reading books to him and such when he was little.  Now we are 32, 30, and 24.  We are all great friends and I am so thankful for both my brothers.

Post # 36
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

To PP saying the pros list isnt overly convincing… what is a good reason on a pro list for a baby. My husband and I are trying to conceive. We are 27 and 26, own a home and somewhat financially stable. But my pro and con list goes somewhat like this

Pro: I want a baby

Con: expensive, tiring, could be hard, etc

Post # 37
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 You mentioned that you are going to miss the toddler years in a few years time when your kids are “big kids.” At 8 and 9, your kids are not toddlers, they are big kids already. It’s extremely optimistic of you to think they will love having a baby around. Even if they have said they like the idea, this may not be the case when the reality of it hits after it is already too late. 

Post # 38
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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sunflowersandlove :  LOL, the average life expectancy is over 80 now. We are not living in pre industrial times

Post # 39
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

Does your husband want a baby? 

 

Post # 40
Member
3915 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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anonforthisbee :  There is a big age gap in my family. My sisters are seven and nine years older than I am and nine and eleven years older than my brother. Growing up, there wasn’t a whole lot that I noticed about it. It was easier because my brother and I paired off and my sister paired off. It stunk a little bit when my sisters were going to do things that I couldn’t do because I was too young, but there was this gradual shift where the older I got, the more I was included. And now, my closest sibling is my oldest sister! She and I talk every day and share a lot of the same interests/hobbies. So, I wouldn’t worry so much about the age gap too much. My sisters are eighteen months apart and can barely stand each other. There’s is no promise that your kids will like each other anymore with a ten year gap than a one year gap. 

As for your age: My mom was thirty-three when my brother was born, meaning she was fifty-one when he graduated high school. To me, that’s kind of the norm, isn’t it? Having children in your early twenties isn’t always the case anymore and I find that many women are opting to have children in their 30s. I don’t know what you imagine life to be like at fifty, but my parents are fifty-seven and sixty now and they go for bike rides, go kayaking, go hiking, etc. They are more active than I am! They go to fesitvals and concerts, etc. I don’t think fifty is “old.”

Also, another point I want to make: My aunt had my cousin at 42. She is not this old, decripate lady, either. She and her daughter are, and always have been, super close. Her daughter is thirty now and she is seventy-two. She is not “dead” or “selfish” as another poster implied. I know someone who lost their mother when she was thirty, so you really can’t base your decisions off of “what ifs.”

Post # 41
Member
7339 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

First, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with whatever age gap a parent wants between children. Second, you would not be an “old mum” by any stretch of the imagination. But it really does sound like your primary reason for wanting another baby is because you are obsessed with the baby stage. It almost makes me feel bad for the older two if you would have a baby and then be fawning over the baby at the expense of the “big kids” you don’t like as well as infants. As others have said, if you have a baby, this one will grow up, too, and then again you will be left with a hole in your life that only a baby can fill. Will one more do it, or will you want another and then just one more… and one more. And like others have mentioned, it is a very big assumption that your older children will be delighted with a baby. Many kids love the idea of a baby, but the reality of the crying and sleepless nights, and the change in schedule and mom’s time and effort being taken away from them makes it less than ideal. While there are plenty of older siblings who adore the baby of the family, there are also plenty who resent that baby.

Of course, the only people who can make this decision are you and DH. But please remember that you cannot go back. If you decide to proceed, this pregnancy and this infant and the way of raising this child will all be very different from the last time around. That might be good and it might be bad, but you cannot recapture the past by having more babies.

Post # 42
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Definitely don’t overthink it (as is so easy to do)! My littlest sisters are 20 and 24 years younger than I am, and my parents have absolutely no regrets. They adopted the littlest two as babies. Besides, it doesn’t even sound like you are anywhere near being an older mom! Go for it! When do people ever regret a baby? My husband will be closing in on 40 when we start our family and I for sure want at least three. Babies are such a joy!

Post # 43
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I found your reasons selfish for wanting a baby. They are all about how you will have someone. That’s not what a baby is, as you should know since you have two already. 

Post # 44
Member
6414 posts
Bee Keeper

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anonforthisbee :  I was an only child, however my husband was one of three.  Being 9 years younger than the eldest and 2 years younger than the middle.  And they worked it out well.  And his parents were kind of old when he finished college.  And we are planning on having two more, with a three – four year age gap between our first and second and then two years between our second and our third child.  I wouldn’t worry about the age.  Being older is not a big deal honestly, especially nowadays, I feel.  My mom was 36 when she had me, meaning she was well into her 50’s when I finished college, and will be well over 60 when I finish my masters, I had a kid in between college and grad school.  And I will be under 50 when all of my children finish college and my husband will be into his 50’s when our children finish.

Post # 45
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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DeppButterfly :  +1

To those saying OP’s reasons for wanting a baby are “selfish,” what exactly would an “unselfish” reason be?

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