Going little to no contact with in laws

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I never formally announced going no contact but Im essentially no contact with my Mother-In-Law and my husband is limited. My husband will pick up the phone when she calls maybe 1/3 of the time but gets off as quickly as he can and doesn’t ever make concrete plans with her. I’ve seen her once in the past 6 months and only because she was trying to keep a piece of furniture of mine that she taken from his grandma’s house where I was keeping it until we moved to a bigger place (which we did). By keeping it super super limited but not saying so to her we’ve avoided the drama and our lives have been much better. If we hadn’t had other family members to visit during the holidays we would have pulled a “we’d like a quiet just us holiday”. Keeping a distance and setting bounties is healthy with toxic people that are diminishing your joy.

Post # 3
1725 posts
Bumble bee

I think you just need to make sure you are clear with your fiancé about his parents role in your lives and future children’s lives BEFORE you get married. Because his family being that awful could be a total deal breaker. You need to know that your fiancé will support a total cut off of them if they continue to disrespect you. You need to know he will have your back no matter what if things with them get worse or if they want to be mean to you but involved in their grandkids lives. Make sure you have an agreement now in place that in the future if his family is awful to you that he has no issue cutting them off in the best interest of you and your kids. If he can’t promise to put you first If things escalate than I would seriously consider moving on. 


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vegemitetoast :  

Post # 4
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

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vegemitetoast :  I blocked my mother in law after she forgot my youngest daughter’s 3rd birthday in December. She treats my kids like they are Facebook accessories the one time a year she sees them. She has repeatedly forgotten about my kids. I decided I was done. 

I have this saved in my memos on my phone:

You have the right to say no. To anyone,  for any reason.  To protect yourself from people who make you feel badly, who make you feel negative,  or stressed.  You have the right to protect your children from these people and experiences. There is no excuse for intolerance,  meanness,  negativity,  toxicity,  or cruelty. 

Post # 5
671 posts
Busy bee

There’s a FI/ DH issue in lots of the in laws threads that I see on the bee. 

You will have a very hard time in your marriage if you and your Fiance don’t set the rules and boundaries for ILs before getting married. What does he suggest for the situation and how does he plan to fix the issues if not NC? He has to have your back.

Post # 8
671 posts
Busy bee

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vegemitetoast :  So it basically your Fiance agreed on the NC rules and you have worked out rules for future children? Sounds like a plan! 

I had similar ideas for my ILs and it caused a huge blowup. We will have  to compromise on the same rules for both sets of parents and siblings for our future children, so yeah.

The NC history for us was… tricky. My ILs were so disrespectful to me and my family on several occasions (engagement, guestlist, the actual wedding, my grandmother’s funeral, you name it). They have the strangest family dynamics and preferences for certain kids (certainly not my DH) and I just can’t stand being around them. Since I don’t join any lunches or whatever with them, I’m way less stressed. This caused quite some tension for DH and me, because it was hard to figure out fair boundaries. I suggested to attend birthday parties (there’s 10 of them, so plenty) if invited 2 days in advance and half of the major holidays, but that doesn’t work for him.

Post # 9
2371 posts
Buzzing bee

Fiancé and I have discussed this, and while he doesn’t want me to go NC, he also understands my reasons why.

WHY doesn’t your fiance want you to go NC? If he claims to understand your reasoning… If he truly sees how disgusting and rude his family are to you… WHY would he want you to subject yourself to that? WHY is he ok watching his family abuse and disrespect you?

My husband would go absolutely ape-shit scorched earth on any member of his family who even looked at me sideways. He would never CLAIM to “understand” my need to protect myself, then turn around and say he’d really rather I keep subjecting myself to the abuse. 

Your fiance is fence-sitting here. He sees that his family behaves horribly toward you, yet wants you to keep subjecting yourself to it.

You say you don’t want to “drive him away from his family,” but demanding that he truly SEE how they are treating you and demanding that he truly stand up for you (for real, not just calling them out in the moment, but making the hard decisions) is about the relationship between the two of you and has nothing to do with them.

Their behavior is horrible. So if their son chooses to distance himself in order to stand up against their abuse of you, that is on THEM – not you. 

I would get to the bottom of this before any wedding. In a situation where I am being ill-treated, my husband BETTER protect me, and I don’t care if it’s his mother, father, or brother. Asking you to subject yourself to this abuse is NOT protecting you. 

If I were in your situation:

– I (and any possibly future children) would be NC. You can’t behave respectfully toward me, you don’t get to know my children.

– DH would NEVER discuss his FOO with me, unless in therapy. I’m not here for helping HIM process how he feels about his racist family’s abusive language toward me. That’s abuse by proxy.

– I would not emote for him when/if his family behaved terribly and he was upset by it. A simple “it sucks your mother is so immature, we can discuss in therapy – what do you want for dinner tonight?” is all I’d give. 

I have a 0-fucks-given policy when it comes to abusive people. I will absolutely cut them out 100% immediately and forever. And give 0 fucks. And I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with my stance. Life is too short to be subjecting yourself to abuse.

Post # 10
914 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know Bee… really think about your Fiance reluctance to cut his family out before you get married. I am assuming you are a POC and your Fiance is white??? Do you want to marry into a family where they are racist??? Will he actually have your back if you decide to go NC? Is he supportive of you when to comes to other issues regarding race? Or does he act aloof? 

Post # 11
1499 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Bee, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

I’m a person of colour. There is no way in hell I would be keeping any sort of contact with people who were blatantly (or even subtly) racist towards me. The posters commenting about children should really be considering what it will be like for a child to grow up knowing their grandparents are racist towards their mother and potentially towards them as well, if they are also people of colour. I have a zero tolerance policy for racism and don’t see any reason to make allowances for those sorts of situations to continue. I also think you should consider your own mental health here, as you have mentioned how awful you feel after each visit.

Post # 12
8191 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My husband is a POC and I’m white. There is no way I’d put up with the shit your Fiance is with regards to your treatment. If I felt that ANY of my family were being rude or racist to him I would shut that down immediately. I would not hesitate to cut out someone who didn’t respect my spouse. Why is your fi hesitating? Does he actually have your back? Do you feel supported by him in these situations? Does he actively deal with them in the moment?

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