Going off the Map after Heartbreak?

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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mermaidgirl :  Honestly, these are really easy questions to answer.

1. How does he switch from being happy here with me to then go back to being happy with his ex or (not-ex) a month later?   He’s a cheating, lying dick.

2.  How do I recover from this massive blow to my self-esteem?  First by realizing that this isn’t a reflection on you as a woman or a person.  He was trolling for a victim and it happened to be you….it easily could’ve been another woman…guaranteed.  You tried your best to vet him and sometimes it’s not enough.  So know that you are a good person and that you’re gonna have to feel the pain for a while. Depend on friends and family for support and cry your eyes out for as long as you need to.  Treat this as a learning experience that you will never go through again.

3.  If they were so happy and everything is great, how did I end up in the picture?  Because he’s a cheating, lying dick. Also, there’s this rule married cheaters live by….”its cheaper to keep her”.   And don’t you know by now not to believe everything you see on social media….its mostly lies.  Trust me he’s trolling for his next side piece.

Post # 3
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

 I don’t think the responses here will be significantly different from your previous thread. Unfortunately, there are people like that in the world. Yes, they suck, but you need to focus on YOU at this point and not wonder why he did what he did. You need to work with a therapist and make it so that you don’t put all your self-worth into someone else and pursue relationships with people who aren’t healthy for you. There were a lot of signs of trouble in your relationship, and you chose to believe him over everything the situation and your intuition was telling you. That’s the problem.

And while I know it doesn’t help to hear now, generally men “in the process of” getting a divorce usually aren’t good relationship material. Even if they actually ARE leaving their wives (they often aren’t, as you learned), they are often not emotionally in the right place to have healthy relationships until some time has passed. Next time a married man comes knocking, send him packing.

Post # 5
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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mermaidgirl :  Well now you’ve learned and you’ll watch for the red flags and run.  See? None of this was about you deserving to get hurt or not being good enough.  You were dealing with a schmuck of a human being.

Post # 7
Member
4980 posts
Honey bee

Beware the man who talks shit about an ex. He’s likely the ones who’s no good. And the line between love and hate is very slim. Both indicate strong emotion where the subject is concerned.

Post # 8
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

As far as “going off the map”, I don’t think that will help. You cannot just run away from problems. There will be bad people and good people everywhere you go, but it will be a rough life if you never put down roots and run away every time a relationship fails or a job doesn’t work out or something else bad happens. 

Now, if you were considering moving and/or changing locations or jobs BEFORE this happened, and this is just intensifying that feeling, then go. But you can’t outrun grieving over this relationship or working on yourself and your own self worth. Those things will follow you no matter where you go.

Post # 9
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

I mean romcoms have you covered there with the formula to feeling better and self empowered.  It’s that montage scene where you see the protagonist shifting the focus back to their lives for self improvement. They start spending time with friends more (or making new ones). They exercise more. They pick up a new hobby (which might be exercise related). They start volunteering. They work towards a goal etc. And at times they still break down crying, but they keep going. And then day by day it gets better, and one day they look up, and their lives are better, and they’re ready to meet someone much better. 

Post # 10
Member
456 posts
Helper bee

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mermaidgirl :  

You need some perspective. This relationship is not the be all end all of your life. 

Are you an introvert? I ask because I am, and introverts tend to get stuck in their own head and dwell. Have you talked to a professional? I feel like a recommendation for therapy gets thrown out in every post on the Bee, but I wonder if you aren’t legit struggling with some clinical depression and anxiety. 

This is one guy, a small moment in your life. I know it feels all consuming right now, but he is not worth changing your whole life over. He’s a supreme douche, and the problem is him, not you. 

*Hugs*

Post # 11
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

You don’t need to decide anything right away. Sometimes the first impulse is to run away, but running away will always be there for you later as well. 

Is also ok to feel terrible. A terrible thing happened to you. Someone you loved treatedly you terribly. They lied and hurt you. You’ll need time to get better. But you will get better and not all people are terrible. 

I also wouldn’t beat yourself up for being gullible. You asked reasonable questions. In the choice between being too trusting and believing in people and being too suspicious and not trusting enough, I think I personally would rather be a little TOO trusting. Not “get in a car and get murdered by a serial killer” trusting, but taking a risk on love. That you feel pain only shows you how much love you have to give. 

There is a bit of “fake it till you make it” in getting over a terrible breakup. You need to fill that time with something else and if you are alone in a new country, then find a thing that brings you into contact with new people, who can support you. 

Post # 13
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

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mermaidgirl :  

Maybe my perspective on this might be a little different from the others, but I think that if by “going off the map” you mean going for a trip or holiday, taking a break from social media or even from your phone or computer, or using the heartbreak as impetus to make a major positive life change like applying for a new job, moving cities, or letting go of toxic friends, then I think this is awesome and very healthy.

A heartbreak is a devastation, to be sure – but it also brings about a sense of renewal, a chance to start over and turn the page, and maybe remake yourself into a better version of yourself, armed with your new-found wisdom. Changes can actually be a very powerful way to show yourself you have moved on.

Be gentle with yourself as well – learn the lessons from this relationship and break up. Really take a solid two weeks or so to just mull it over and figure out all the things it was telling you about yourself, men, and relationships. Use your therapist as a sounding board for these realisations, if you want. Don’t let it make you fearful or insecure though, which is a mistake A LOT of people make when they have been hurt.

As far as dating a separated guy or one who is still legally married, I second the opinion of the other posters. Stay FAR away from these guys. A guy should have a good 1-2 years between him and his actual divorce before he should even be considered dating material. I think it should be illegal for people to date while they are still married. It is such a massive gamble.

A tip from me about dating in the future: Choose someone in more or less the same place in their life as you and someone who wants the same things. Not just says he wants the same things, but whose life actually reflects that he wants those things.

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