(Closed) Going on 12 years, 2 kids and no ring

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
79 posts
Worker bee


jessica71003:  I just wanted to say that I’m kindof in your situation so I can totally empathise. I’ve known my Fi for 20 years and we’ve been together about 13 years and have 2 children together. To be completely honest, I never really wanted to get married when I was younger, I didn’t really see the need. My Fi never wanted to get married either.

But since we’ve had our children, I realised that I wanted us to be a proper family unit and for me that meant being married. I think as I got older too, i started wondering what was wrong with me etc.  Even though my Fi was always ambivalent about marriage, he saw how much it meant to me that we were stable parents and a stable family unit. And it might not be super romantic but he wanted to make me happy so he bought me a beautiful ring and proposed a few months ago.

It’s not going to be a fancy wedding but I would want something simple no matter how much money we had. My point is, explain to your boyfriend how big a deal it is to you and how it’s making you feel and how that could be inadvertently affecting your children.  It took a while to talk my Fi round as it can be harder to issue ultimatums in this situation. I think some of the other posters have been a bit mean, life happens and it’s not always in the traditional rigid format but you still are very lucky to have a great guy and happy children.  Good luck! 

Post # 48
495 posts
Helper bee

any update from the original poster?

Post # 49
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It seems to me that since you have children and presumably co-own property, getting married is important for legal reasons, and maybe that is what you need to make him understand.

It may depend on where you live — I have no idea what the laws outside the US are — but as one PP already pointed out, in the US you currently have no legal right to make medical decisions for him in the case of an emergency.  Given that your kids are minors, if he is in a serious car accident, for example, his parents and/or siblings will be the ones who get to dictate his medical care if he is unable to.  How does he feel about that?  How do you feel about that?  In theory he can prevent that from happening by getting a living will / medical directive and spelling out that he wants you to be the decision maker, but those types of documents are easier for families to contest than a marriage license. Just ask the gay people who were put in that position before they could legally marry.

On a similar but different note, if he were to die (or if you were to die), you would again be competing with his parents and/or siblings for control of the estate.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that marriage qualifies you for lower tax rates.  And you don’t qualify to collect on his social security if he dies unless you’re married.  

There are very real and practical reasons that gay people want the right to legally marry; marriage is a legal contract that confers legal important legal rights.  SOME of those rights can be taken care of by having legal documents drawn up, but others cannot.  You need to pro-actively protect yourself and your children.

And for the one PP who said that you are covered by common law marriage – not necessarily.  Again, it depends on where you live, but in the US the vast majority of states do not recognize common law marriage.  https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/fact-or-fiction-five-myths-about-common-law-marriage

Post # 50
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

jessica71003:  I can imagine how frustrating it must feel but at the end of the day, you have a beautiful family, a man you love, hopefully you are all in good health, and that’s more than most people. In a sense, you’ve been married so it’s just about the ceremony and getting to have your wedding (which is TOTALLY understandable!) but try to focus on the positive in this situation 🙂

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