- 5 years ago
Hi ladies! I would like to ask you an advice about my little family situation. I’m in the international marriage living in Asia with my husband who is half-Japanese. At the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of troubles/misunderstandings because of him going out with his friends a lot, drinking, coming home late, and, on top of that, going for company drinking parties as well (that are must in Japan). When we got married and came back from our Honeymoon, he would go out with his friends many times per week (for example, in the evening when I would be waiting him for dinner, he would write me a message that his friends invited him somewhere and he would like to go). We had a huge fight after a couple of weeks, and he would even tell me that “now, when we are married, we can do whatever we want and live our own lives and being not afraid that we leave each other”.
Fast forward a couple of years, a lot of fights and talking, adjusting and marriage counsellor, we got way better. I feel that we do a lot of things together, spend every weekend together, he knows that I am having a bit of a hard time living in Asia. He almost doesn’t go out with his friends (maybe twice a month)… also due to a fact that he is working like 12 hours per day. However, it’s quite a normal pattern that once in a while he complains that he doesn’t have time for himself, that he wants to release his stress from work by going out etc. He says he can’t consider company parties, going out in big group of friends or with my friends as a real “going out” or relieving a stress. And, I feel that he blames me and that he comes home and spend time with me only because I complain and feel lonely here. He says quite often: “People from work invited me to go out”, or “My friends invited me to hang out in a bar”, or “Because I declined invitations so often, certain people don’t invite me out any longer”.
I have no problems with him going out with his friends once in a while (I do go out with my friends as well, maybe twice a month). Recently, he usually tells me: “I want to set up a meeting with my friends or respond to their invitation, but I have an internal fear that you wouldn’t like it, that’s why I don’t go out”. As a result, he comes home to me frustrated and tells me all these things that make me feel bad and insecure that he comes home for dinner or spend weekends with me only out of fear or just to avoid fighting. The thing is that he works A LOT, he comes home much later than I come from work, and he sometimes keep on working from home. He barely has a time to write me throughout the day and is always tired on weekdays. I don’t have that many friends here, I am excited to meet him every day and have a dinner together, or hang out together or just do a normal stuff as a couple. But somewhere inside me I have a feeling that if I were a bit more independent and kept busy myself all the time, he would actually like it as he could do his own thing without scheduling it with me first. I still feel that he thinks its ok going out wherever you want, and that having dinner with your wife is not that necessary. He is very liberal and even would be ok if I travel by myself etc.
Do you think I am a bit unreasonable thinking that it’s normal to come home after work and spend time with your wife? What am I doing wrong?