(Closed) Going out problem when married

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ChristineJp:  My dh used to work seriously long hours and then come home and work more. At one stage I would get an hour of his time a day. I used to keep myself busy doing things I enjoy at home. He also goes out with friends once a week and did even then and I was ok with that. Let him have once a week. Not every day but once a week will help. My dh needs that once a week to clear his head and I take the time to have a long bubble bath or read or catch up on my favourite series.

Right now resentment is growing and you guys need to work out something that works for both of you. I eventually made a deal with my dh that he could work as much as he wanted Monday to Saturday (he used to work from home on weekends) but Sundays were our day. That helped as well.

Post # 4
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It’s a tough situation, so I feel for you. But I think each of you have to give a little here.

On his end, he can’t expect to be able to live the life of a single dude and that you’ll just be home waiting for him happy as a clam to see him an hour a day. 

But on your end, you can’t expect him to give up his friendships and sit out on all work-related outings (which I know are a huge, huge thing in Japanese culture and are a huge factor in career development) because you are lonely without him. Him turning down invitations from friends out of fear that you would disapprove doesn’t sound like the foundation for a healthy relationship. As long as he’s able to recognize that going out every night is unreasonable while 4-6 times per month might make sense, he shouldn’t feel the weight of his wife’s disapproval on him because that type of thing breeds resentment.

TL;DR: Him gaining a better understanding of your needs, you gaining some independence and ability to derive happiness from things other than just him, and both of you figuring out a schedule that might serve as a compromise will help you two to go a long way.

Post # 5
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Personally sounds like he is going out with his friends too much.  He does work a lot so a night out once a week is O.K. If you want to go out with your friends every night you need to stay single.  

Post # 6
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

ChristineJp:  I don’t think either of you are being terribly unreasonable – you just have different ideas about how you prefer to spend your spare time and have to find an arrangement that can work for both of you as best as possible.

It sounds like your husband feels overly restricted in what he can do on the weeknights, and a little resentful that he can’t make plans without checking with you (and potentially having a disagreement) first. Perhaps if you dedicated a particular day (such as every Thursday night, or every other Thursday night – whatever you’re both comfortable with) where he was free to make whatever plans he liked without discussing with you in advance, that would allow him a better sense of freedom? He could invite people out/schedule his own get togethers, rather than feel like he can’t meet up with certain people if they only invite him out on a different night of the week when you have an understanding that it’s a ‘couples’ night for you both.

I’m not sure exactly what the answer is, but I just think you need to sit down and both discuss what it is that you need to feel happy with your social arrangements and go from there. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ChristineJp:  I get it believe me I do… I would be home for 2 hours after he left for work before I left, get home 2-3 hours before him and then see him while we ate supper and that was it, I would even go to bed by myself because he would still be working. I know how much it sucks. I moved across country with him for work (both of us) so I had zero friends here so I didn’t even get out with friends at all.

Maybe instead of a specific day a week if he feels that is too restrictive, let it be any day in the week as long as he lets you know the day before? I know my dh was upset when I was upset about him going out because he worked so hard he felt it should be ok, that I shouldn’t be holding his working hours against him. Took me a while but I finally realised in a way he was right, sure every night is ridiculous but once a week is pretty normal and just because he works long hours which cause us to see each other less doesn’t mean that should be taken away. Now if he is insisting on like 3 times a week he needs to adjust priorities… That being said if once every couple of months he does twice a week, like if there are birthdays then it can’t be helped.

Post # 11
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It’s tough.. I don’t think either of you is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here, you’re just different. 

When I compare my relationship to my friends’ relationships, all of our relationships are different.. I have one friend who does her own thing loads and her husband goes out loads without her.. they’re both incredibly spontaneous and text each other quite often to say ”Hey, I’m going to stay out tonight” and then they come back at 5am.. it’s like they’re best friends but they each do their own thing. Note that they’ve been together 6 years and are incredibly happy together. But that wouldn’t work for me.. but it sounds like it would work for your husband.

My husband never goes out – he’s a huge introvert and loves staying in with his books, video games, music, etc. However, he’s also more than happy for me to go out and do my own thing.. for me, that means meeting up with friends about 3-4 times per week, but only for an hour or two.. I have no desire to go out and party. If I stay out late, ”late” means until 10pm, and I don’t stay out until 10 more than about once every 3 weeks. Usually we’re both home by 7pm and have dinner together. 

I don’t really know what to advise you other than compromising.. it sounds like you’re trying to compromise, so I guess keep trying 🙁 Also, if you let him do what he wants, he might actually want to spend more time with you – that’s how it works for me. My husband’s not bothered about what I do, so I find that what I actually want to do is be with him.

Post # 12
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

ChristineJp:  I agree with some previous posters, I don’t think at this stage either of you are being totally unreasonable. He’s your husband and you want to spend time with him – totally reasonable. He working a lot and wants the chance to unwind with his friends more than twice a month – also totally reasonable.

I think you could probably both come to a new balance with this. Maybe something like he gets to go out with his friends ~4-6 times a month without you, but he also dedicates a similar amount of time to date nights with you?

You also reference that you feel lonely and are having a hard time adjusting to Asia. Maybe you and your husband could talk over this together and work on alleviating some of this so that you can have a fuller life outside your relationship? That might help you feel better on the nights where your husband wants to see his friends.

Also you say he’s really liberal, but I know it’s the overwhelming mindset in Japan that wives=housewives. Maybe he’s subconsciously living in that kind of mindset? Like he thinks it’s no big deal to spend more of his free time out of the house without you, because well you’re his wife so duh you’re going to be there when he gets home? And that could be totally different than the cultural expectations you were raised with where both partners in a marriage work so time where you’re both off is rare enough that your partner has first dibs? I dunno, just spitballing here.

Wishing you the best of luck! Hopefully you can both agree on an arrangement that will work better for both of you in the long-run.

Post # 13
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ChristineJp:  Have you thought about joining an expat group? There are a lot of groups of women in very similar circumstances. 

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