Post # 1
I have some close friends in my hometown. About once a week I drive the 30 mins to go see them. Yesterday I went out with my mom, had lunch with her and my best friend and her 4 year old. Then I had dinner with my other friend and headed home.
Fiance is very jealous about this. He is frustrated because he has no close friends. He works M-F 2-11 so weekends are his best time for friends.
He texted me last night as I was leaving dinner “I’m very bitter right now so I’m going to take a break from texting”
… Okay. Totally out of the blue and I had no idea what I did wrong.
He keeps saying it’s not directed at me, that he’s just upset and wishes he could have fun like me, etc. But the way it’s expressed, it definitely feels like resentment towards me. I’ve expressed this to him and that it really hurts me. And he just keeps saying how frustrated he is, etc.
I could see this if I was out partying nightly and bragging etc, but I was out with my MOM, a friend with a FOUR year old, and one other friend until about 7pm.
How do I handle this? I’m hurt because it feels like he doesn’t want me to have fun just because he isn’t. I keep telling him to get back into karate, do something! But he doesn’t.
I’m not looking for “red flag- leave him” options. I want to work on this with him somehow.
Post # 3
I think it is selfish on his part to try to keep you from having fun because he isn’t. This sets you guys up to keep resenting one another. Has he always been like this? Could the lack of enthusiasm/energy to do things be from work-related stress?
As for suggestions, I would keep encouraging to pick up a new hobby, too. And, maybe you can meet and hang out with other couples?
Post # 4
I really don’t think he means it personally against you. It just sounds like he’s really upset and insecure about the current state of his social life. He’s naturally going to want to lean on you and express his frustration to you. Sounds like he’s not quite doing it in the right way. But this situation sounds like it’s really about him and helping him find things that make him happy.
Do you guys have any couples friends that you could both hang out with? You said he has hobbies but doesn’t seem interested in them right now — could there be any other reasons for this bout of unhappiness? Is he unhappy with his job and the hours he puts in, perhaps? Maybe that’s why he’s feeling like he doesn’t have much of a social life right now?
Post # 5
I don’t have any great advice, but I do have a story–
I moved here to be with Fiance about 1.5 years ago. I have no close friends in the area and I work with mostly older ladies, so I haven’t made friends there either. I also commute an hour to work, and Fiance commutes an hour in the other direction, where most of his friends are. So, if you are following correctly, in order to hang out with FI’s friends after work, he is already in the same town, but I would have to drive 2 hours there, then an hour home after. Previous to meeting me, he would occasionally go out to dinner or go over to a friend’s house after work. But since I have been around (he knows how much extra driving that would be for me) he has chosen only to hang out with friends on the weekends, so that we can go together. I never asked him to do this, and I never even brought it up, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am that he does this. I would get bitter if he was going out with friends after work while I was driving around for 3 hours. I know there is nothing wrong with it, but I wouldn’t be able to help those bitter feelings. I know that his friends go out sometimes without him (I hear them mention it when we are around) but Fiance has never once made me feel bad about it or even brought it up to me.
So, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing, I know how grateful your Fiance would be if you tried to be more accomodating of his schedule/friend-less-ness/etc. Hope this helps :/
Post # 6
this is his issue to deal with, not yours. It’s really immature and downright mean for him to take out his frustration with his inability to make friends on you. This shit wouldn’t fly in my relationship. Independence is super important in a relationship.
Post # 7
He is probably just really unhappy with how his schedule hinders his social life. Thats understandable, but I think its kind of silly for him to be sending texts like that when you are only out with your family. My sister’s boyfriend used to get SO jealous whenever she was on the phone or out with her family. It was ridiculous and really affected their relationship. I think he was a little more crazy than your Fiance though, lol.
I would just straight out talk to him about it. He’s your Fiance so no need to beat around the issue. His schedule does take up most of the day, but maybe you can make plans to hang out with friends on the weekend together. Honestly, my Fiance didn’t have a lot of close friends of his own, but he became friends with my girl friends and their BFs/husbands so we all hang out together. Also, when my Fiance was super unhappy with his job he was just mopey and annoyed by everything. He changed jobs and is so much happier now, even though the hours aren’t as good as what he had before! Maybe thats something to talk about – a possible career change?
Post # 8
It sounds like this is an internal issue that he is trying to work out. Sometimes men will “stonewall” in a way to protect themselves and try to keep themselves from becoming more upset. This doesn’t really work and just causes anxiety for the woman, but men and women function so differently from one another. My husband can be a stonewaller, and it is so incredibly frustrating and not a good way to make any progress. On the other hand, it may save him from saying things he will regret or doesn’t really mean. Overall, we ALL have a lot of work that needs to be continually done for better communication.
Post # 9
@mnp: He said the last 2 days at work have been very stressful. So I’m sure knowing I’m out having fun is extra suck when that happens. The couples thing is odd. On my side, I have some couples but no one he’d really get along with. He’s very “rugged” into guns, hunting etc. On his side, all of his friends are still in party mode. Living in parent’s basements, no steady jobs, etc. He has an amazing career and has always been very responsible and isn’t into the party scene anymore. So it’s tough…
@Gemstone: He hates his hours and I was on 2nd as well but just accepted a new 1st shift job, which I think he is also jealous of. I’m doing it now for health reasons as I was killing myself on 2nd and he agreed it was a good step for me. But I think it bugs him more than he says.
@Pumpkin_Bee: I would LOVE to be able to do this, but my friends work a lot of weekends (medical, biotech, and retail fields) and I’m not willing to lose my friends over this.
@MrsWBS: I’ve always been very independent. Lived alone before he came along. I think we need our time apart and so this just is …odd to me.
Post # 10
I think it’s crappy what he’s doing to you, to be honest. I have just now started to make some friends here (I’ve been here a year and a half) and whenever I have made plans with them after work (which has only been a couple of times, but when it gets warmer out I see us hanging out more) Fiance is totally cool about it. He’s even said (I live 8 hours from my hometown) if I ever want to go visit and for some reason (work) he can’t go he would support it 100%. He’s never ever made me feel guilty for wanting to do things that don’t involve him.
He doesn’t really have many close friends he’d hang out with after work, so I feel slightly guilty when I have other plans, but if he were to tell me he had plans to have a few beers after work with the guys I would be cool with it. We’re attached at the hip, yet we’re not. It’s normal to be social without the SO every once in a while. You did nothing wrong and he’s being a baby.
Post # 11
@Cory_loves_this_girl: I feel like this is the opposite of stonewalling… He lets it all out but does it in a way that it really seems to hurt me.
Post # 12
So, he’s bitter because you’re not sitting home at night watching TV instead of socializing with your mother?
I’m not faulting his feelings. They are what they are. But I will fault his negative, childish expression of them. Texting you to tell you he’s bitter and so he’s going to give you the silent treatment? AYFKMWTS?
Also, if he’s so bothered about not having friends, then what is he doing about it? Has he joined a gym, a softball team, a gaming club? Or is the sum total of his effort expressing bitterness to you and then sitting back waiting for you to fix it for him? If that’s his attitude to life in general, maybe it’s not such a huge surprise he has no close friends. I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone with that attitude.
I’m not gonna say leave him, but it sounds like he needs a come-to-Jesus meeting and to grow the eff up. I don’t think you need to work on this with him; he needs to work on it himself, since it’s his problem and it’s completely within his power to solve it.
Post # 13
@Jw1724: Could he change his work schedule or find a new job? Why doesn’t he have any friends? Are you in a new area?
I would talk to him when he’s in a more relaxed mood (like on the weekend). Suggest he reconnects with an old friend or try X, Y, Z. I would explain to him exactly how his comments make you feel. Does he really not have any friends or is he just lazy because he’d have to make the effort? Friendships are a 2-way street. I would suggest to him that he REALLY should get back into karate because it’s starting to affect your relationship.
Post # 14
My Fiance has only about 2 close friends. Even though he’s never willing to really do much about it, it annoys him that I tend to lead a bit fuller of a life. I did get him to befriend a guy at work that he has lunch consistently with once a week and once I called him and I could tell they were goofing off, so that was good to hear. But past that…he complains and doesn’t do much.
I explained to him that this wasn’t healthy and to help keep our relationship alive and thriving he needed to pick at least 1 interest/hobby to pursue. He said he would do it. It will take some encouraging.
Fiance has told me before he’s upset because I go do x,y,z. I tell him I hear where he’s coming from but he holds the key. We do plenty of things together so I know it’s that we don’t do anything. It’s that he wants to have as much fun as me.
Post # 15
@canarydiamond: He landed an amazing job and it’s a matter of seniority to move to 1st. Finding a new job isn’t an option. He is in the best of the best for his field.
He has “friends” but no one he considers a “true” friend because theyre all at different points of their life… partying etc and he isn’t into that anymore ( i even encourage THAT if it means he’ll get out!)
Post # 16
My fiance has experienced something similar. We met when I was living in his hometown for school, which is about 2.5 hours away from my hometown. Now we’re living down in my area bc he found work down here, then decided to go back to school near here…
I have quite a few friends here and can see them easily. His are all very far away. He hasn’t ever lashed out at me for it, but on a couple occasions he got visibly upset and told me how much it sucks not to have ANY friends around… He said he’d made some friends at work, but they never hung out outside of work and it just isn’t the same as your best friends. He also said that he was happy I had my friends close but that I just couldn’t understand what it felt like for him…
I felt so badly for him… I know that I love my girl time and being able to see and talk to my friends whenever I want and he doesn’t have that. That DOES suck
I would just try and be understanding… He’s lonely and there’s nothing you can do for him to change that. He probably isn’t trying to be mean or resentful, but maybe he just can’t help it. I know at least when I’m upset around Fiance, I’ll just explain to him that I know I’m being unfair and I realize that and I’m sorry, I’m trying not to… and then he knows that at least it’s not about him and he did nothing wrong and it’s about me.
Its not a red flag issue at all, He’s just lonely i think. Just try and be understanding that when you’re out with all your girls, it probably is just a reminder to him of what he doesn’t have right now and he feels jealous. He’s human, that’s normal. We’d feel the same way in that situation