(Closed) Ringless Engagement and Wedding…? HELP!

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
2137 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

IMO a ring is VERY important even a simple band would be needed.

oh and im having a courthouse wedding and just dinner after

Post # 4
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you want a sparkly engagement ring, I’ve been told (and please don’t jump down my throat if I’m wrong) by a religious teacher that they began as colored stones that held meaning for the couple. Maybe if you get back to these roots of the meaning behind engagement rings your SO might like them better?

As for the wedding bands, it sounds like your SO might like something like a wooden band? Something like this? http://www.simplywoodrings.com/  

I don’t know what to suggest about your band… Before coming to the bee, I only thought wedding bands were plain bands!

Post # 5
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sherlock:  Hello fellow Frenchie! I’m not going for a super simple wedding, but I can relate to wanting a simple, non-weddingy wedding (that’s what you’re hoping to go for, isn’t it?). My partner and I are having a simple ceremony with only immediate family in a vineyard in France, and although we are going going down the traditional route (we are both women), as soon as we started planning the wedding, we (well, especially me!) got sucked into a wedding mania. And although I had never any interest in jewelry before we got engaged, the minute that ering settled on my finger, I became obsessed with diamonds. My partner is very supportive and she doesn’t mind getting me more jewelry (he he), but I know it’s a little strange for her.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that although your SO doesn’t believe in/ agree with the materialistic ering/ bling, I’m sure he wants you to be happy, and he loves you, so if you put it to him that you would really like an external sign representing your relationship, then he’d understand…

Sorry, my post is a little long-winded… Good luck, and please let us know how you get on!!

Post # 6
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sherlock:  hi! great to find a french bee here, i’m not french but my SO is πŸ™‚ i agree with sweetaure, that i’m sure he wants to make you happy. so if there are things you would really like (rings are very important to most people, you wouldn’t be asking for too much for such symbolic things!), you should definitely voice them and talk about them with your Fiance. i would hate for you to have it all over and done with, and then regret that you couldn’t do anything you dreamt of. it should be a compromise between what you both want, and you should have your say in it. don’t be scared that what you want might seem too much for him! it doesn’t seem like you want unreasonable extravagance, and i’m sure he’d appreciate hearing your honest thoughts on this. 

Post # 7
1842 posts
Buzzing bee

I have to say that I agree with most previous posters. Where I live, far away from the UK, most people do not have money for e-rings, or wedding rings or large weddings so I have grown used to simple, but a ring, any sort of ring is completely necessary. Sure you CAN be married without a ring and there are plenty of women who are engaged without an e-ring, but some sort of sign to the outside world that you are married is generally a good idea. As far as the costs go, everything in the wedding industry is over priced, but there are ways to get rings with meaning for little money. There is a place called ‘green karat’ which will take a credit for gold that you send in and make new jewlery out of it. A few bees on the board have used them and gotten rings very cheaply, made of things sent in from thier family (that one gold earing you lost the pair too, a broken locket etc) Which might be something to look in to.

Simple weddings seem to be more and more popular. Our wedding is going to be essentially a giant picnic with our friends and family, we will have our favourite family recipes and friends will play music around a bon fire. (Essentially what we do every weekend only bigger) There is no reason for extravagant costs to be associated with a wedding. Best of luck!

Post # 8
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow are we the same person? lol! My SO is exactly the same way, right down to the belt story! We’re not engaged yet but we have discussed this, and the poor guy is just so honestly befuddled by the the fact that people seem to want rings! πŸ˜› He understands though that I like jewellery and I am sentimental about it – I wear fine jewellery items that have been gifts or heirlooms passed down to me through family, etc. So he will understand if I want to wear shiny rings, but neither of us feel they should be expensive, ie. my rings will probably cost a couple hundred TOGETHER, tops. Heck, maybe I’ll just wear a pretty RHR on my left hand, I have some nice gemstone rings which I prefer anyway. I want to wear a wedding band as a social signifier – to ME, it’s a symbolic thing that I would like to wear, but again I don’t think it’s strictly necessary to a marriage πŸ™‚

Post # 9
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

to ring or not aside – it seems to be all about his wants and none of yours and eventually you will be resentful of this

i think its more than fair to expect at least a wedding ring if thats what you want to wear and i feel he should at least be open to compromise on this

Post # 10
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t know about France but here, in the Czech Republic, it is actually a law that the couple (and all other present at the wedding) must be dressed for the occasion (the wording is something like festive/dignified, I believe) and rings must be exchanged. Even if they are not worn afterwards, you have to exchange them.

Most couples have just plain gold bands, sometimes engraved, and nothing else. No e-rings, no eternity rings, no wraps, no enhancers, no upgrades later down the line… Just one simple band, sometimes not even gold (steel is popular lately) and it is not unheard of to use your parent’s bands.

Jounger crowd sometimes does the e-ring (we did) but I have never seen anything above 0.25ct in diamond on anyone I know and most of the rings are CZ anyway (I am almost sure I have the only moissanite here)…

You said you are not about to get engaged right this minute so maybe between now and then his viewpoint will change a bit. I, for example, was saying for the longest time that weddings are obsolete and that I don’t want to get married – and now look at me… πŸ˜‰

Some PP suggested a wooden ring, steel rings are dirt cheap too (money wise, I do not mean value – our bands will be steel – it is a great material for rings) and the idea about gemstones is great too…

A wedding ring is a very important symbol. Surely he understands the concept of symbols – some poeple don’t need them that much but for some they are much more important. Clearly, you would like such a symbol (even if only for yourself if he is too stubborn/circumstances or job conditions are not allowing it, which sometimes happens) and him basically telling you he will have none of it is him taking over the whole relationship – it is yours as well – don’t bow to him in everything or you will find he controls everything. If that made you happy (that he has total control and you have no say), fine. But clearly you aren’t so talk to him. Try to explain WHY it is important to you and that it is nothing unreasonable.

If he thinks the rings are too commercialized, would you (and him) find some other potentionally sparkly item he would be happier with? Earrings, pedants, charms, cuffs… My reasoning would be that if you have something physical that you can have with you always, you are reminded of him and his love when you look at it/touch it/use it. What’s wrong with that? Sure you would think of him even without it but most of us common mortals have many things to do during the day, jobs, schools, kids, households… It is simply impossible to think of your SO all the time. But when you are stuck with a pile of sheets at the office, problems seem to multiply by the minute and you are starting to feel overwhelmed, one single look at the symbol can calm and rest you like a good nap could…

Post # 12
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hey there!

I did not have an engagement ring before we married (my choice though, certainly not his – we did look for something but I ended up just opting out before the wedding!) and had a simple ring for my wedding ring (with some simple bling). But I have since changed my rings twice and my rings have become more important to me so….my thoughts are that if a wedding ring (and/or engagement ring) is important to you, this is something you two need to talk about. This is something you are going to wear or not wear. The ring for me is not necessary, and I do not even have the rings I married with on, but to me it does honour and symbolize my commitment and is a lovely reminder during the day of that commitment. If he does not want to wear a ring, fine, but I do not see why he gets to decide what YOU choose to wear to honour your commitment. To me that is like him deciding what you wear, how you style your hair, and so on.

However, I wanted to chime in and say we had a really, really low key ceremony, and something many would indeed call “simple”. We had 16 guests, and really forego most of the usual trappings that weddings today have (no aisles, monogrammed table runners, big receptions or save the dates, just as a start…). It is hard to describe our wedding, it was a destination wedding to Vancouver Island (none of our family live in any one place or near to us, so it made sense for us all to travel anyway) it had a bit of a hippie vibe, with family/friend participation (in some very interesting ways!), and none of the usual aisle walks, wedding music, bridesmaids or groomsmen, and so on. We wrote our own vows and it was just a very intimate and emotional ceremony. Then we went to the resort dining room for a sit down dinner, people could order a la carte from their menu (they made new menus up for us though which was neat, though we never asked!) and have whatever they wanted. People had the rest of the weekend to enjoy the resort, the town, seeing each other again, and hang out in the spa. Whatever they wanted.

It was very affordable, very laid back, very intimate and very much “us”. I would not change it for anything. It was not about “consumption” it was about a beautiful celebration of our commitment with people who meant a lot to us. I know it was not what most people would expect for a wedding (and while most of our guests adored it, a couple were a bit uncertain about what to expect!). Your wedding can truly be whatever you two create together! Simple does NOT have to be boring, or unmemorable.


Post # 13
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@RayKay May I just say that your wedding sounds absolutely beautiful and ideal – for low-key people like myself and SO, who are super against the WIC-type stuff, hehe – and exactly like something I will be planning soon! None of the unnecessary “extras,” just the essentials of a simple celebration with people you love πŸ™‚

I know I said I was sentimental about jewellery, and I defininitely will be with a wedding band… but in a way, I couldn’t care less if I will have an e-ring because, well, maybe this sounds stupid but I only like the idea of it as a social signifier – like, someone will look at me and think, oh, she has a ring on THAT finger πŸ™‚ but I definitely don’t see it as an representation of my SO’s love for me, that’s what the wedding ring is! People seem to forget that e-rings are optional, and yet, I can’t help wanting a really simple, really inexpensive one just because it will send a quick, easy message. Does that make sense?

I definitely also agree with what you said (RayKay) that whatever jewellery YOU feel you want to wear on YOUR fingers should be controlled by you πŸ™‚ It’s not important to me as to who buys what – like, I find the “rule” that the man should pay for the ring so silly, because you’re about to combine finances anyway! So if it’s a modest amount of money, and it’s important to you to wear, why not!

Post # 14
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

There are lots of options for sparkle that are budget friendly.  Moissanite’s one.  You could also go for a sparkly wedding-band type engagement ring, which would cost a lot less than your typical ering.  Small stone rings, pre-owned rings, antiques, gemstones, all of these have the potential to cut down cost and still be beautiful.  


The part that concerns me about your post is that it seems like you guys aren’t compromising on any of this, it’s only been his wants.  Over time, resentment builds over stuff like this.  It’s your wedding too, hon!  I think now’s the time to stand up for yourself and make sure BOTH of your desires get met, not just his.

Post # 15
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Sherlock:  Is an ering or wedding band necessary? No. 

But if it’s necessary to you, then it’s worth discussing. Maybe there’s room for compromise–I know quite a few couples who forwent the ering and just did custom wedding bands. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a diamond (if he has ethical concerns about the trade)–the coolest friend I know has a wooden enagement ring! Darling Husband and I paid for our own wedding rings (although that’s kind of more psychological since our finances were merged in the end), but if you decide to go that route, than you can purchase something as blingy as you wish! And my Dad (and Prince William!) doesn’t wear a wedding ring, so it doesn’t have to be something that HE has to do himself. But if it’s important to you, then he should at least respect that enough to come down from his principles. 

As far as the wedding goes, you can have a lovely simple wedding and there are tons–TONS–of examples. We had 11 people in a public park and were married by a Buddhist monk. I still wanted a new dress, shoes, hair & makeup, and a good photog and he wanted a new suit, so the cost for us came to $2K, but you could do it way cheaper. I wouldn’t have done it any other way and loved, loved, loved my wedding. 

There was also a story from an old MS Weddings–from France, natch!–in which the bride and groom had what looked to be a very modest affair. They rented a rec-room and did the best they could with decorations (which ended up looking homey and festive) and their friends let them borrow linens and plates/cutlery–very sweet, personal, and sort of vintage shabby-chic-looking. I feel that the best and prettiest receptions are when they are genuine, which has little to do with being lavish or expensive. 

Post # 16
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@MrsSnowMountain: So exciting, have fun. I totally love low key and simple weddings. I mean, big weddings are fun too but the simple ones seem to tug my heartstrings so much more and be far more memorable to me. My favourite wedding (aside from my own of course!) was my mother and stepfathers wedding a couple years ago. They have been together 25+ years and been through a lot (like her battle with cancer) and decided to get married finally, rather spur of the moment really with a few days notice (and no, at 50+ it was not a shotgun wedding, ha).

They had very simple ceremony in their living room, with a JOP, and with my siblings & partners (and me and my sister’s cats and my giant Great Dane dog-nephew ha) there, and I actually watched from Skype while sitting in a Starbucks with my husband from a couple provinces away as it was so spur of the moment and on like, a Tuesday night (ha). It was SO beautiful and emotional. They had a sand ceremony using sand of all the many, many places they have traveled too over the years, exchanged such heartfelt words…I was in tears! Then they had a nice homemade dinner and homemade pie that my mum made and it was done! I was not even physically there and I was so moved by it and it is so memorable to me.

I wish you and your SO a beautiful and memorable ceremony as well!



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