Golfing & marital discord

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
9 posts
Newbee

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sdxz554 :  This would be a huge deal to me and if   I couldn’t get through to my husband I would seriously advocate for couples counseling. 

 Quality time is so important and he is running all over it. How can you maintain and build your relationship if you don’t have proper quality time? I understand that there are ebbs and flows and sometimes you have more time and sometimes you don’t, but there’s has to be an effort on his part. Does he play golf year round?

Post # 32
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

Obviously it’s not about golf, it’s about the blatant disrespect for his partner.  

OP, he doesn’t respect you enough and puts his friends first.   You have to decide if this is the life you want because he clearly doesn’t plan on changing.

Post # 33
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

sdxz554 :  My husband actually had a very similar issue with this, but with World of Warcraft. Early on in dating during college years, he met a good friend we both had classes with and they both got back into the game hardcore and met many other friends from all over the states, all over the world, and had to schedule times they’d all be online together. He definitely prioritized that over spending time with me because we saw each other every day.

Video game issue wasn’t why we broke up, but it did lead to him further taking me for granted. I broke up with him. And then some months later in college, we grew more, grew as better friends than before, and we never had those issues again.

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice, but therapy or calling it quits seem to be your only 2 options at this point.

Post # 34
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

i haven’t read any of the replies or even your replies to the replies.  But just quick 2 cents–my husband does this to an extent and I’ve found the easiest thing to do is just make a google event and invite him to it so he knows that x time on x day is booked.  He wants to appease his mother by letting her ramble at him for 3 hours on the weekend at a coffee shop?  That’s his business, but I’m done leaving all weekend clear just *waiting* for her to let us know (typically almost 0 notice) when she expects to meet up with him so that I can finally plan around it.  Now he can just write back ‘yikes busy then–hows X time?” and go from there.

I guess what I’m trying to say is–until you’ve told him exactly what the plans were for Sunday, its a bit unfair to expect him to know he’s bsaically canceling on you by moving his golf day.  By having it set in his calendar it means he will be well aware that he’s canceling on you… and if he starts to do that frequently, then.. well then you’ve got a bigger issue, IMO.

Post # 36
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee

Perhaps it is time for the two of you to go away together at weekends rather than stay at home.

I say this not because I don’t see your point of view. I do, and would be very angry if I was in your position. 

However, I don’t think what you are doing is working. Therefore you need to insist on something very different.

So, I suggest that you go away together at the soonest opportunity – with no golf, no hobbies, no phone and no internet – and give yourselves time to talk to each other.

Post # 37
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

Have you put your foot down yet? I mean seriously had a come to Jesus meeting with him about this. I dont mean previcating on the issue but, looking him square in the face, and saying, “Hubby, Im upset that you are prioritizing your friendships and golf over spending quality time with me and if something doesnt change, you are going to find yourself without a wife.” 

Dont beat around the bush about it. Be upfront and honest with him that if he doesnt dial it back on the golf and spend some quality time with you and respect your relationship over his golf game that you are going to separate. If he refuses to dial back on it, then you are well within your rights to leave him because any person who prioritizes a hobby over their marriage is not a good partner. 

Being a couple requires you to spend time as a couple. You have been more than patient. He on the other hand has used guilt to continue having his way. That is never okay. 

Confront him, I dont mean scream at him, I mean lay it out for him and tell him straight out. 

Post # 38
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I haven’t read all the responses. However it sounds like you are being a bit unreasonable. He has a hobby he enjoys and it’s once a week. Let him enjoy it, and hang out on the other days. You also need to communicate instead of setting him up to fail by waiting for him to ask you do do things with him and then resenting and blaming him when he doesn’t meet these expectations he doesn’t know about. You could also be proactive and make more suggestions by the sound of things. Take advantage of your time alone when he is golfing and do some things you love to do or relax.

Post # 39
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

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Bunnyang :  You didnt see the update where she confirmed plans with him and he skipped out on her and went to play golf anyway and then when she says something he guilts her about it. 

Post # 40
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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sdxz554 :  I agree with Mrs.MilitaryBee and say you need to lay it on him. Tell him if he doesn’t change, you’re not going to stick around for this incredible disrespect and low priority status. He either cherishes you, or he cherishes golf, and he gets to pick which one he wants to keep. If he whines about how unfair you’re being just leave. You shouldn’t have to EVER beg for someone to give you respect, especially your spouse.

My husband also plays golf, and he also has friends that invite him out to golf. He accepts about 50% of the time they offer, because he’s busy, and we have things going on! When he wants to go, he asks me if it’s okay, if we have anything planned, etc. Most of those times I let him go and rearrange our schedule so he can go golf with his buddies, but that’s because this happens about once per three months. Even if it were once a month, I would be fine with it!

The main difference is my husband ASKS me, and respects plans I already made for us, and doesn’t guilt me into letting him go, like your husband does! Any time that I have felt disrespected, trampled over, or second tier in priorities, I let my husband know that I don’t stand for that, and raise hell if he doesn’t get the message. YOU ARE HIS WIFE – YOU SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HIS LIFE. I’m so sorry that you’re husband sees golf with his buddies above you. You need to take back your power and control over this situation and make him realize that what he’s doing is not okay, whether it be through talking to him, counseling, or plain ol’ leaving his golf loving ass.

Best of luck!!

Post # 41
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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sdxz554 :  I totally see where you’re coming from, as I have the same issues with my DH about not feeling like a priority. It really stings and it really breeds resentment A LOT. It’s also SO FRUSTRATING that they just don’t seem to get it. I would echo PPs in saying that marriage counseling for getting on the same page would be my first choice, but I can definitely see how you are hurt and don’t want to spend the rest of your life feeling like second (or 2rd of 4th) place to everything else he has going on.

Post # 42
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

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sdxz554 :  You are an incredibly patient woman. I would never be ok with this. And it’s not the golfing, as some commenters are focusing on. 

It’s that he’s prioritizing something else OVER your need for quality time together.

Which, to me, indicates that he’s not too keen on trying to meet your needs or make you happy.

And also you have communicated your frustration and outright HURT to him multiple multiple times and he just ignores it. 

I would feel incredibly disrespected if I communicated that something DH did was hurting me and he just ignored me and kept doing it anyways. That will erode good faith in a relationship over time. Who wants to keep being vulnerable and open with a partner who disregards it???

For my DH, fly fishing is his golf. He LOVES it. It’s like meditation for him, and he lives for quiet moments on a river. 

However, if too many weekend go by where he’s gone fishing a lot and I express to him that I’d like more together time, he 100% switches back into “make partner happy” or “cultivate relationship QT” mode.

Just this last weekend, he had offered that we would dog sit for a friend’s dog. When he came home from a charity shooting event on Friday, he mentioned off-hand to me that he’d been invited to do some fishing on some private property the next day, but he’d said no because he didn’t want to leave me to take care of the friend’s dog alone.

The very fact that he prioritized me in that scenario made it incredibly easy for me to be magnanimous and say, no, no, go ahead and go fishing – you never get to fish private property!

Had he come home and said he was going fishing, I would have to take care of the dog on my own, and that was that… my reaction would have been entirely different! lol 

What irks me in your situation is that it seems as though your husband has decided to stop trying. He’s not paying attention to your happiness, or lack thereof, and he’s not making you feel cherished and prioritized. 

I wouldn’t yet be considering divorce, but I would certainly be finding a good couples’  therapist stat. 

Post # 43
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

OP, I can sympathize. My SO and I do not live together. He has a 9 year old daughter full time and I have a special needs son (5 yo) half the time. Our time together is at a premium. But my SO is obsessed with golf. I’ve tried and I can’t get into it. From early spring through late fall he’s also looking for every possible opportunity to golf. He has one particular work buddy he goes with.

As so many others have said, it’s not about the hobby. It’s about the priority. My SO’s point of view is “how can you attack the ONE thing I do for myself?” – which is true in its own way because between working full time and being a single dad (his parents help out with the daughter so he can get away), he does precious little for himself. He does a tremendous amount for his parents as well. HOWEVER, during the time of year he can’t golf, he wouldn’t dare try to get away early on a Saturday to spend some extra time with me because he has his daughter (that’s his reason). But during golf season, he doesn’t think twice about leaving at the crack of dawn to be gone 8 hours to golf, leaving the daughter at home with his parents. So obviously he has no problem prioritizing golf over everything, where he would not prioritize extra time with me in the same manner. THAT is my problem. Not the hobby itself.

If my SO and I lived together and I got to see him on a daily basis for anything above an hour (90% of our relationship is him coming over and watching TV for an hour after his daughter is in bed – his mother is at the house with her), I might be less annoyed about this topic. But when time is at a premium and your relationship isn’t a top priority, it’s a recipe for disaster. I know firsthand.

 

Post # 45
Member
4201 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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sdxz554 :  This would be so hurtful to me too, I totally understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling! You have tried being understanding, you have tried being firm and you still end up getting the shaft. It’s not fair that you’re the only one making an effort to resolve this situation. I think the fact that he came home & apologized with flowers is nice, but it’s a band-aid. I think you need to put the ball in his court and ask him how he plans to fix this, because you have tried everything you can think of and you’re still coming out as the bad guy AND getting the shitty end of his ‘free time’ stick. He’s being a horrible partner and it’s time he stepped up and acted like one. 

Would it have been possible to car shop after he was done golfing but you just didn’t want to anymore? (I doubt it, from what you’ve written, his golf days are long) If you wouldn’t have been able to, I would try to put it back on him and say “you know we wont have time to do both, we’ll need about 4 hours for car shopping. If you need an earlier tee time, you need to figure out a way to make that work with the plans we already have” If he commits to something, it’s really unfair for him to drop those plans. I’m sorry bee, I dont have any real solid advice for you! Might be time to go back to counselling.

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