Gonna have the talk

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
63 posts
Worker bee

waitingbee25 :  To me, “start my own family” would mean having kids, not moving in together with my SO (or even getting engaged to them). I think you need to bring it up again and clarify the timelines you two envision for getting engaged, living together, getting married, and having babies (and in what order) to see if you’re on the same page.

Post # 3
874 posts
Busy bee

How old are you two? I feel like your age makes a huge difference with this situation. 

Have you exchanged I love yous? You said you both “like” dating each other. That sounds very vague and kind of distant.

I think you could come at this with the perspective of asking him what his 5 year plan is and ask what his goals are for that timeframe. See what he says.

If he doesn’t mention you moving in or getting married, ask him about those things and see what he says. I think that’s a good place to start.

Post # 4
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Well first look at what you asked him “How long do you think it will take until you are ready to start YOUR OWN FAMILY”. What your asking him is clearly not putting you in the picture. So you definatly have to clarify if you meant the both of you and say US. Maybe that’s where his response came from. You need to be very specific if you want to have the talk with him like the other pp said. And make it about “US” not “YOUR”. 

Post # 5
156 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like a good idea to clarify your expectations, for both your sakes.

I agree that the phrase “starting your own family” may have confused him. The vast majority of people interpret that as having kids. If you meant something different, definitely tell him. After 3 years, it’s perfectly reasonable to say you want to look into engagement or moving in together (whichever you want). It seems like you’re ready to cut your losses if you two don’t want the same things, which is healthy.

Good luck — you’ll feel so much better after!

Post # 9
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

waitingbee25 :  Before you have this talk I think you should become clear on exactly what it is that you want.  Is it marriage or just moving in together?  Next get clear on how long you’d be willing to wait for him to be ready for marriage/moving in. 

Just know sometimes guys will come up with every excuse why they aren’t ready when the actual truth is they already know the gf is not Ms. Right but rather Ms. Right Now…. but won’t reveal that and will avoid committing until he’s ready to leave the relationship.   Hopefully, that is not the case with you and your SO.  Hopefully, if that IS the case, you will recognize it for what it is and stop wasting your time.

In terms of the actual discussion, I’d treat it like a negotiation….no emotion should rear its head.  You both discuss your needs and expectations and come to an agreement along with a consequence if that agreement is violated.  This means you get specific timelines not “some day”.  Let him know up front that waiting too long to propose because he’s looking for a perfect, “speshul” way to propose is unacceptable.  

Be ready to hear things you don’t want to hear.  You should have a walk date bee and be ready to enforce it.

If you cannot come to an agreement, then that means you two aren’t on the same page and may not be compatible.  It happens….a lot.

I really hope things work out.  Good luck.

Post # 11
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

waitingbee25 :  3 years isn’t forever. We got engaged at 3 yrs 8 months. We definitely weren’t in the right financial space (still saving for a house, ok income).

We still managed to buy the house despite getting engaged

Usually, if someone is dragging their heels because they want to wait until it’s “just right”, that time will never come – speaking from personal experience, my sister has been with her lad almost 4 years, have a daughter, have a house, but there’s always something in the way of him proposing – like waiting til they have a $50k buffer in the bank, then waiting til he gets a new contract at work, now it’s saving for an investment property. I feel like shaking her – IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN so either find a way to be ok with it or leave. Honestly. Putting buying a second house in front of marriage. Like come on. Don’t buy in to it – he doesn’t want to get married.

Take control, tell him what you want. If it’s a dealbreaker, walk away

Post # 13
874 posts
Busy bee

Ok so it sounds like you guys are at a good age where taking the next step soon would make sense. 

I understand that you’re nervous, as it can be a daunting discussion to have when you’re not sure where he stands. But it sounds like a necessary and important practice in open communication, since you both should discuss where the relationship is going at this point. 

Like PP said, take some time to reflect on exactly what you would like to happen and decide on a timeline for those things in your mind. Then, when you’re ready and there’s a good opportunity where you are both relaxed and have time to discuss it, tell him you’d love to talk about the future since you’re so happy with how things are going. Ask him about his 5 year plan and see what he says and go from there.

When you get into the moving in and engagement/marriage discussion, ask him how he feels about it and what he thinks would be ideal. 

Note- if he freaks out or says he has doubts about the relationship or “marriage is just a piece of paper” etc, that is a red flag that you will need to explore further.

If he says he has doubts, ask him to explain. (If he really has doubts, he should not wait until 3 years in to bring that up, by the way. If he uses this as a reason to not get married/delay engagement, ask him why his “doubts” were never a problem until just now when you’re discussing the future).

Open and honest communication is the goal here to get a better understanding of what you both want.

Once he says his piece, let him know what you would like to see happen with an estimated timeline and then ask him for his opinion on that. If he needs some time to process, give him some time and decide on a future time to discuss it again in a few days.

** It is okay if it doesn’t go perfectly. It sounds like this will be the first of many serious discussions that you will be having, so practice makes perfect! If he is SUPER AGAINST the entire conversation and shuts down, then that is not acceptable and you will know that that is a red flag. BUt it is okay if he needs some time to figure it out in his mind as well as long as he comes back and gets back to you.

Hope this helps! 

Post # 15
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

waitingbee25 :  What if he said “I have doubts about our relationship because XYZ”.  

This is where knowing exactly what you want comes into play.  You will either accept his excuses or you won’t.  Its reasonable if he needs more time…you set a timeline and you can always check in with each other occasionally to make sure you’re still on the same page however, If he can’t give you definitive answers or timelines….that’s pretty much your answer.  Evasiveness shouldn’t be acceptable.  Neither should excuses.  Its your choice to tell him your walk date…..but be prepared to go thru with it or he’ll never take your words seriously from that point on.

Bee, he either wants to marry you within a specific time or he doesn’t.  I hope he comes through for you and things work out for the best.

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