Gonna have the talk

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Your comment to him “ready to start your own family” definitely makes me think kids, not engagement or marriage.  So I don’t find his response odd, to him you were talking about something a lot of steps ahead in the future.

At almost three years in FH and I went to my good friends wedding. Of course everyone was asking me when we were getting engaged so I just asked. We’re still on the same page and headed down the marriage track right? And he said, of course. Is there something you are wating for to propose? Is there a reason you havn’t asked yet?  And he said, no. So I left it at that and went about my day.

And then a day later he said, So I don’t know what ring to buy, and if I am spending that much money on something I need to know it’s exactly what you want. So I said, well you should give me a budget and we can go ring shopping together. And on the spot he gave me an estimated  budget and as soon as we returned from our vacation we started looking at rings.

My advise is ask and then give him breathing room. You’ve had this whole time to think about it and organize your thoughts and he hasn’t. 

Figure out what you want and what matters to you. Ask direct questions. If he gives a vaugue answer don’t make assumptions about what he means ask him to clarify. 

Edited to add- Don’t bring up a walk date or take the conversation in a potentially hostile place without reason. If I had walked up to FH and said,  If you don’t propose by such and such date the above conversation would have taken a much different turn!!!

Post # 17
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with previous posters in that I think your wording confused him as I would have definitely thought you meant children. 

I also agree with a PP who said that if someone doesn’t want something to happen then there will never be a right time and there will always be excuses. You don’t need to be earning 100k or have 50k of savings to get engaged. I got engaged last year and financially we were not in a great place as I had gone back to uni to do my masters and had taken a big cut in pay and my fiancée had just started her first job after finishing her degree. It was really important to us both though that we got engaged as we had been talking about it for a long time, so we took out a small loan and bought both of our rings. Some bees would think that was crazy, but I have no regrets, the loan payments are small and it’s been more than worth it. A year later we are about to complete on our first home and in a much better place financially.

If you really want something to happen you will make it happen, if you don’t there will always be excuses. 

Post # 18
Member
613 posts
Busy bee

I think your best bet here is to start by opening up discussions about the future. I don’t know if you have ever discussed whether living together/marriage/kids are future goals for you (just in general terms), but I’m going to assume you have. If you have not, you definitely need to find out if he wants marriage and kids as his goals. This is the kind of thing you want to know sooner rather than later.

I’d suggest having a series of discussions, going from general to specific. I agree with  elodie2019 :  that it’s a good idea to keep the discussions positive or neutral, and definitely don’t take them to a hostile place without cause.

Find out what his goals are, how he feels about living together, engagement, marriage, kids. You can share your goals as well. I agree with giving him some breathing room to think about this afterwards. If you’ve never had these discussions before, it’s a good idea to give the information time to sink in.

Hopefully the discussions will evolve organically, but I think it’s a good idea to revisit the issue a couple of times at intervals of a month or two so you can iron out all the things that need to be discussed. What milestones still need to be completed before you (each of you) feel ready to get engaged and married? Are there any relationship concerns which either of you has that you can work on? Gauge his reaction as you are having these discussions, but there should be open communication and the two of you should feel positive about taking these next steps together. Look for indications that he is on the same page as you. Him being hesitant without valid reasons or even being negative are signs to watch out for.

At three years in and in your late 20s, you should definitely feel comfortable discussing these things and have an idea of the long-term future of your relationship.

Post # 19
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

First, approach this as an equal partner in the relationship, don’t go into the discussion feeling embarrassed or desperate for bringing up your own future. Think of this as two grown ups having a conversation about important issues, not as you having to swallow your pride to ask where his head is at. 

Second, don’t do vague. Things like ‘I see us engaged soon” could mean 6 months from now or 3 years from now. See what each others’ timelines and goals look like- engagement, marriage, kids, home ownership, anything important you need to be on the same wavelength about. And then see if your goals are compatible. They don’t have to align perfectly, this is where discussions and compromise come in, but they shouldn’t be so different that they’re incompatible. 

 

Post # 20
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I spent 7 years with a man who made every excuse not to marry me. We bought a house, we had kids, we had joint bank accounts. In the end we werent right for eachother and I think deep down he knew it.

I also got engaged on my one year anniversary with my fiance who told me after 6 months he couldnt wait to propose to me (and I felt equally as excited about it)

What I know now and wish I could tell all waiting bees — just say what you want. The right guy for you will want it too and it’ll be great. If he doesnt want what you want… why waste anymore time? Just be direct and honest. There is nothing wrong with the things you want and you deserve them!

The worst thing you can do is dance around what you want and waste precious months and years or your life with the wrong person… because that means it will take THAT much longer to find the right one. I would pay close attention to what he says and also what he doesnt say. Read into it and dont be afraid to walk if youre not on the same page. That wouldnt make him a bad guy, but it would make him the wrong one for you

Post # 21
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

waitingbee25 :  To me, starting a family is after moving in and after marriage. My general belief is 1-2 years living together before getting engaged, 12-18 months engaged before marriage, then a year of marriage before kids. So to me, talking about kids is still years away. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask about moving in and getting engaged, that’s different and you don’t need to make a shit ton to live together. Actually, living together is less expensive generally and helps people save money.

Post # 22
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Yep. I’m with PP who says, just say what you want. Even If it comes out messy and imperfect and emotional and whatever. 

Engagement is an adjustment – I imagine marriage is also an adjustment – I’m not there yet –

but the man who is going to marry you needs to have staying power. He needs to choose you every day, through all of it. If he can’t handle one conversation that may go sideways, he is NOT the man to build your life with. 

All waiting bees. Seriously- speak your needs. 

It’s better to find out early and shed a man who doesn’t choose you fully. And find the one who does. 

The only thing careful games will do is win you a life of needing to play careful games. 

Post # 23
Member
406 posts
Helper bee

When you talk, listen to what he is actually saying, not what you want to hear. Some poeple hear “I could see us getting married someday” and assume that means he’s proposing next week. And like another poster said, don’t take any vague responses. He’s 30. You’ve been together three years. He knows marriage and family exists. He’s thought about it.

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