Good christian + pre marital sex = impossible?

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I had sex with my Fiance a year into our relationship. Originally I was planning on waiting until marriage, and then decided to just be sure the person I did do it with was someone I could see spending my life with. I am going to marry Fiance so I don’t see it as a big sin in that sense, I am committed to him, and am glad he is the only man I have had sex with.

Post # 4
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Just have to say I struggled a lot with this but only after we talked to the pastor who is going to marry us and he laid the guilt on.  I waited till I foudn the one too, and when I found him, I knew.  There is no way possible that God did not play a hand in our meeting and falling in love.  And way before we were officially engaged or anything, Fiance and I talked about our faith and what marriage meant to both of us.  Thats when we both made the commitment to one another and we didnt need an official church wedding or piece of paper to tell us that we were solid in that Godly commitment to one another.  I feel like we talked about a lot of things that most couples who have been married for years did not discuss.  We both read christian based marriage books as well and talked about that, so in a way we are doing our own pre marital counseling.  That being said, our pastor keeps delaying our meetings, so I kind of feel like its actually a good thing that we are so committed to making it work, because he definitely isnt giving us the time we would need for church counseling, and realistically, what could he tell us in 3 meetings? 

Our pastor has already thrown a lot of crazy statistics at us and has told us because we have essientially moved in together we are destined to fail.  I sort of take offense to that because we have a difficult scenario, that has actually made us even stronger!  But I feel like he should be more positive.  Clearly we want to have a marriage in a church before God, so why tell us we are doomed before we start.  I’m kind of like, look we are getting married either way so while we are here why not give us some helpful advice instead of negativity!

Then i hear stories like this:  http://wtvr.com/2012/12/24/woman-fired-for-being-irresistible-and-attractive-speaks/  and I wonder what the church teaches in some areas….

I am a very faith driven person, but like a lot of things in this world, i feel others use it to push their viewpoint, and morph it to adapt easily to whatever situation or outcome they’d like to see.  I wish a lot of people would realize its not about the details, just about the overall picture.  Love one another, spread good and not evil!  How much better things would be if we all taught our children these basic rules.  They aren’t even faith based…

 

 

Post # 5
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

i grew up going to church and what i seemed to get out of it was that as long as you love you and others like jesus loves you than you will be forgiven, do everything out of love. maybe it’s me but i don’t fear god, and i hope he doesnt want to be feared

when i hear christian people judge, not only about sex but everthing, it makes me not want to call myself a christian

Post # 6
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

@mrsztobee:  also! (im getting on a rant and i dont mean to) however marriage in the united states is a license, what does that have to do with religion? if you ask a pastor/priest to marry you and you dont have a license, technically you’re not married, so can you have sex then?

Post # 7
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nl:  I think it’s terrible that your pastor has doomed your marriage to failure simply for living together. I mean…wow…that’s so not Christian.

@abeautifulunion: When I was younger, I was much more religious. I seemed to be the only person I knew in highschool NOT having sex. When I started my relationship with my first love as a junior, we had some talks about what sex meant to the both of us. We didn’t want sex to just happen in the heat of passion but to be a mutual decision. The funny-ironic part of this is that HE was the one that started to feel guilty like we were doing something so heinous. That’s when I began to really question the rules as we know them. It made me angry that something so beautiful that we shared in love could be used to make him feel almost like a criminal. 

Since then, I’ve grown stronger on my faith but have distanced myself from religion. I just refuse to believe that Jesus suffered on the cross so that we could use Him to hate on each other over rules that were created in a different time and environment. I don’t want to start a huge discussion over that, but that’s my view on the matter.

 

Post # 8
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

@HisMoon:  amen! we have similar beliefs, i was scared to post but i’m glad someone knows where i am coming from

Post # 9
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@HisMoon:  What he doesn’t understand is that where I was living, taking care of my father, who is an elderly alcoholic with a little bit of a learning handicap and some alzheimers, was a lot worse on my health than living with my Fiance.  We didnt move in together until after we were engaged, and I’m back and forth between the two states in which I live.  Fiance is in the military so he is living in one state, and the wedding is in our home state.  So there are weeks and months that I’m not down there with him!  I only started moving a few of my things in September!  I was up in the air about living together until I met FH.  Then I realized that for us anyway its a good fit.  We easily adapted into each others lives and schedules.  Gone are the days where girls stay up all night the night before their wedding because they wonder what life will be like living with a man.  Theres a certain comfort there that after the wedding, you can go home to one another and fall into your old routine. 

Post # 10
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@HisMoon:  I was going to wait till marriage as well.  But like you said, it was something that Fiance and I did out of love.  These marriage based books that even our pastor gave us have two books,  One for me to read about men, and one for Fiance to read about women.  So the sex chapter says how men view sex as a physical interpretation of our cuddling.  Its their emotional way of showing love.  So then his book says something to the effect that if women say no to sex they aren’t saying no to YOU they are just saying no to the act.  (I’m not supposed to be reading his book lol).  But what I dont understand is… so once a pastor who doesnt know anything about us says its ok, it is?  If Fiance and I came to God and asked for guidance in choosing our partners with love and a God based atmoshpere in mind, why do I need to ask this guy in a church for permission?  The book tells me that basically I need to see that is the way men are wired, that sex is their cuddling.  I get this and I agree, men are wired differently than women.  But then on the other hand they are essentially saying, deprive yourselves of growing that part of your relationship until you are bonded into marriage, and theres no way out because in some religions divorce is bad and you only get one go around unless your spouse is deceased.  So if this is a big issue in your relationship, oh well too late now!  Sex is something that a lot of people do, but I think few people do it from a love standpoint, and that is what God intended, because that is where you get the most fulfilling sex.    I’m no expert and Ive only been with Fiance, but I know I was waiting for a man to give my virginity to, not for him to take it away.  Fiance knew how important that was to me. 

Post # 11
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nl:  I agree. There’s a whole lot of comfort to that 🙂

Post # 12
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

I guess there is a lot of gray area of interpretation because the bible did not really factor in this dating thing that we do, but I think if you feel convicted about it then you shouldn’t do it… not convicted because of how the other people arouond you feel but on the inside then you shouldn’t do it… if you don’t than who is anyone else to judge you? That is between you and God. 

Post # 13
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t expect to find a faith or denomination or book that exactly fits my personal beliefs. Just because I don’t agree with every detail, doesn’t mean I’m not a part of that religion. I don’t believe it is justified to put to death people who work on the Sabath. I disagree with that part of the Bible so I don’t practice that part. I also don’t believe that all sex prior to marriage is a sin, so I don’t practice that part either.

Post # 14
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think Christianity has changed in our soceity. Personally, i have never had sex and don’t intend to until after marriage, but i do not judge those who choose to do so. I think maybe it is how you were raised as a christian. I was always raised as a very traditional christian and i was given a chastity ring by my father at the age of 16, and have been wearing it ever since, but my best friend in high school was a very modern christian and was told that if she feels it is right, then as long as she still honours God, she can have sex with her love. I have to admit though, keeping celibate through teen years was hard and i can’t wait for the wedding night 😉

Post # 15
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I see God as a father. Does your father want you to sleep around? No. He worries you might get Save-The-Date Cards or get pregnant, but he also worries that promiscuity leads to you treating people as objects… just tools to an end. That’s not very healthy for any society. Also, when you do the whole “**** buddy” thing, then one person will always end up liking the other more than the other likes them. It’s a recipie for disaster in the long term.

… but I don’t see why my father would object to my being in a long term, monogamous sexual relationship. Bear in mind that a lot of the Old Testament laws in particular deal with things like inheritance, and other things which are less relevant today. Do you consider yourself to be ritually unclean after your period, for example? New Testament laws on divorce were designed to protect women from being thrown away on flimsy pretexts, or being used as prostitutes (OT law allows for temporary marriage, as does Islamic law… they are rules designed to protect women when their male relatives die, and to allow them to collect a larger share of inheritance money… but they have been misused, historically). But you have to bear in mind that people didn’t live as long, back then, and that they married young. It’s not so hard to be a virgin on your wedding day if you marry at 14. Nor is it so hard to remain faithful to your partner if you will statistically have less than 10 years of marriage together. But the concept of spending 40. 50 or even 60 or more years of marriage together is a modern one, as is the concept of getting married at 25, 35, or even older.

Social situations change. You just have to be prepared to stick to the spirit of the rules, rather than to the letter of the rules. If anyone believes differently… well, do you wear mixed linen and wool cloths? That’s supposed to be an abomination! Do you eat prawn cocktail? Also a terrible OT offence… etc etc.

Post # 16
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am a Christian, but my own rule (and what I will advise my children to do) is wait for a serious commitment, not until marriage – unless you want to, of course. I waited for my now-DH, but we had sex before we got engaged. I waited for the right time, which for us, was being together (i.e., not LDR), being committed, in love, and ready. I don’t consider it a sin – I cannot consider a physical expression of the love I hold for someone I’m committed to as “bad.”

Biblically, I struggle with the verses people use to condemn pre-marital sex (I don’t always agree with their interpretations), and I also feel like that if I can leave out much of the Old Testament, then why apply just this one rule?

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