(Closed) Good enough?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

IYou’re not a downer – I think most ladies feel that way once they’ve decided the answer to a proposal will be, “Yes,”, and are jut waiting for the guy to decide to ask.  It gets epscially hard when other couples manage to go forward and get engaged, espscially if they’ve been together less time than you (and my personal aggravation is when I see girls who appear… less ‘derserving’ who treat their men badly get married).

I really don’t think men get how much, even in today’s age, married is tied into a woman’s self-esteem.  You’re not asking him to approve of your job/career/education/car/house/ability to provide for a family(things men are often ‘graded’ on whicha are mostly external things that can be cahnged with time and effort) – you’re asking him to pick you based on who you ARE – are you a caring person, are you someone who can make him laugh when he wants to cry, can you argue fairly with each other and make up, can you work togther in a crisis, could you be a good mother/housekeeper (yes, women still do most housework) – in fact, aside from physica appearances that led to the initial physical attraction that started the dating process, most things about a woman that a man looks for when icking a wife are internal – things tied to her base personality – which is why if we’re not picked, it hurts.

If my Boyfriend or Best Friend told me he was waiting for me to ahve a better job, to have a better education, etc., it’s be a bit more something in the realm of what I can control.. getting the, “I’m not sure,” answer is nice and vague – which wreacks havoc with my self worth – you are not alone in how you feel.

Post # 4
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Plenty of times- just know it isn’t YOU- it is HIM

He is either waiting to think of the right proposal
He is waiting to save up for it
He is waiting to finish a few other goals he has in mind
Or he is waiting to see if he ready to let go of the single life

None of this has anything to DO with you- these are all things that HE needs to work on. So please don’t feel as if you aren’t good enough for him- he has somethings to work on.

Post # 5
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Also- I have said this before but men for some strange reason get so nervous when it comes time to do it. It is a big moment for him- he isn’t only asking you to be his wife through the good and bad times, he is also making that commitment to himself— there will be no more thinking of only himself, he needs to consider you and everything you entails whenever he makes major decisions, wants specific things and etc. Getting married is a big deal and many guys see it as more than just the proposal.
Now if you two are already living, combining finances, having children and etc. together… then yeah- he needs to work out what is stopping him fast. However you both have yet to get that far, then have a talk with him on his timeline and then start focusing on yourself and YOUR future plans.

Post # 6
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I used to feel that way all the time; it was like a personal offense that another girl was chosen and I felt I was continually being rejected every day I was not engaged. 

What finally helped me see that it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with me was when I asked him if he loved me enough to marry me and he said a resounding yes.  It made it clear that it’s him and his process that is keeping us from being engaged and nothing that I am lacking, or nothing that I have too much of (i.e. crazy).

On a kind of sidenote, it actually is not bad if there is something in you that needs to change before engagement.  We all have stuff we need to work on and I think some people rush into engagement and may be covering up their sh*t with bling and a wedding.  It was not just my SO not being ready, there were things we both needed to work on and we are always working on them.  They’re just not issues anymore because we’re no longer in denial about them.

Post # 8
962 posts
Busy bee

@PLstillwaiting: Ugh! I feel you and what you are feeling is SO common! Our society has made us believe that the way men treat us/act toward us is a direct reflection of whether we are pretty enough or good enough. I realized a couple of years ago that this is SO not the case. The most beautiful, kindest, best woman in the world will probably cry herself to sleep tonight over some man. It really is him, it’s not you. If he is a great guy (which I’m sure he is) just give him his time and know that it has no reflection on your worth as a woman

Post # 9
304 posts
Helper bee

@PLstillwaiting: this is not meant to be offensive. please don’t take it that way. but, all my feelings like that are based in insecurity and low self esteem. i’m hitting a point in the waiting process where i can see that. in fact, all of my bad feelings about waiting seem to spring from the worst parts of my personality. insecurity, jelousy, inferiority, fear, even over to the complete other end of the spectrum like feeling entited to something(getting engaged) this is for me any way. and now,lately i’m able to recognize where these feelings are coming from, acknowlege that i don’t want my insecurities and weaknesses to bring me or my relationship down, and chose to ignore that negative voice inside me and find the positive one. now, i don’t know how long you’ve been with your boyfriend or how long you’ve been waiting. if both have been really long like years and years, then i think anyone would get fed up! but in my situation, me being so anxious and upset is really un called for.

Post # 10
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I completely agree with all the other bee’s. And you are not alone. Lot’s of us waiting bee’s feel that way every once in a while.

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