Post # 1
My Fiance is considering asking a good friend of his to be one of our groomsmen. The problem is that this friend used to date a good friend of mine (who’s since moved on totally and is happily engaged herself) and treated her terribly. I don’t mean standard “didn’t talk about his feelings enough” type stuff, but things that really just aren’t acceptable (nothing to the level of physical abuse, though). I’ve made peace with my Fiance being friends with him, because Fiance agrees that the guy was totally in the wrong, and I believe you really can be a good friend but a bad boyfriend. But, I really don’t think I want this guy standing up as a participant in our wedding. Maybe I’m being picky, but I don’t think he has respect for women/relationships, and that’s just not the kind of person I want walking down the aisle ahead of us. But he’s a close/old friend of the Fiance and I want to respect that. What do you think?
Post # 3
He’s your FI’s friend, not yours. And seeing as how your friend has moved on and is engaged, I’m guessing it was a phase of immaturity–let bygones be bygones. He’s your FI’s friend and I think that’s his call. My husband doesn’t love all of my friends, but that’s not his call in my opinion. And everybody does stupid things and grows up….I don’t think how he treated his past girlfriend (it’s not like it was yesterday or last month!) poorly should reflect if he’s good enough to stand on your FI’s side
Post # 4
I’m a little stung by that response. I know he’s my FIs friend, and like I said, I’m not trying to control whether they’re friends or not. That’s why I explicitly said in my post, and even the title, that I understand someone can be a good friend but a bad boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s not just how he treated my friend – that’s just the relationship I know the most about. He’s treated every other girlfriend he’s had since then the same way, and shows no sign of outgrowing it or feeling bad about it. And again, this isn’t standard “he doesn’t call me enough or notice when I get a haircut” bad boyfriend stuff. I also never said that this was about if he was “good enough” to stand by my Fiance (I’m not even sure what that means…) My point is just that this ceremony is about our love and commitment to each other and I’m not sure that I want someone who has such different values about those things to be a part of that moment. Maybe I should have posted this in the first place, but Fiance agrees with me and is struggling with this decision as well. I’d still like to hear more opinions about this…
Post # 5
I understand what you are saying about not wanting someone who clearly doesn’t believe (for lack of a better expression) in love and relationships to be the person standing up with you at a wedding which is all about those two things. With that being said though, even though your Fiance is also debating, I think it needs to be his decision ultimately.
Has this friend ever put Fiance down for being in a relationship? Has he ever knocked you or your love or tried to talk Fiance out of getting married? It could be that just because he doesn’t want these things for himself doesn’t mean that he isn’t supportive of your relationship (unless he’s not and has done something to prove that in which case I wouldn’t ask him to be a GM).
Maybe he still has some growing up to do and still has that “frat” mentality but a lot of guys are like that for a long time. If he’s been a good friend and hasn’t ever caused trouble for the two of you, then I would let him be in it.
Post # 6
I second what soontobewalsh said…As long as he isn’t encouraging similar behavior from your Fiance or giving him a hard time about getting married then I think you have to let your Fiance make the decision and respect whatever he decides on.
If your girlfriend was going to be in the wedding or be hurt by it then it might change things a little. But it seems like it really just comes down to whether or not he has respect for your wedding and wanting you to be a happy couple. Your Fiance has to consider that question and make his decision based on that. IMO.
Post # 7
Is he supportive of your relationship with FI? Has he ever treated you poorly? I’m thinking that if he’s supportive of your relationship and is good to both you and your Fiance, that it’s fine to have him in the wedding. What he does in his own relationships is his business, and if he’s a good friend, I think that’s what matters. Friends are supportive of each other and their decisions. As long as he’s supportive of your Fiance and his choice to marry you, his past relationships shouldn’t really come up as an issue.
If he treats you with disrespect or doesn’t believe that Fiance should be getting married at all, then I can definitely see why you have reservations. Is there someone else Fiance is close to that he can ask if this is the case?
Post # 8
I completely agree with where you’re coming from. The whole idea behind a wedding is the love and commitment; having a major player in the wedding not be on board with that idea does seem a little off.
I also don’t think it’s his decision alone. The people in your wedding party should be friends who will support your marriage, which includes both of you. I would never want my fiance to have a groomsmen that I did not like.
If your fiance and you are at all hesitant, I would say don’t pick the questionable friend as a groomsmen.