Post # 1
I have a good friend that isn’t at all offering to help with the wedding. She’s not a bridesmaid, but I’ve been surprised that she hasn’t even offered to help a little. (She did ask me what, as a bridesmaid, she is supposed to wear, but I’m really on the fence about choosing her as a bridesmaid.)
I should add that she hasn’t been feeling well, but I feel like in our friendship, I’ve given her a lot of support. I’ve gone to the hospital to be with her in an emergency (early morning), I’ve come by to check on her with food, etc. Overall, she’s a lot of fun and has other great qualities, but pretty self-centered.
In these situations, do you just chalk it up to “Oh well, some girls will step up to help and others I can count on for a listening ear, a good time, etc., but not to be there when I need help — and that’s just the way the friendship is”? I’m pretty disappointed, but what is fair to expect?
I sure could use some help with the wedding stuff. (Most of my bridesmaids are out of state, so they can’t help with much of it.)
Post # 3
it doesnt seem like she has the energy to be a bridesmaid. I would pass on her. You cant do favors for someone expecting something back Unless its agreed upon. But if she was sick enough to go to the hospital i would give her a break and choose someone more interested.
Post # 4
Well, if you’re not going to ask her to be a bridesmaid, then she really isn’t obligated to do anything for the wedding. It’s great that you’ve been there for her, but if you’re not going to make her a bridesmaid you’re really not entitled to ask her to do anything.
I mean it would be wonderful if she offered, but if you haven’t made her a bridesmaid yet – and if you tell her you’re not going to – then she has no real obligation. Personally, if I wasn’t asked to a bridesmaid (I don’t mean in general, I mean if I had already asked about it and thought I’d be one, and then found out I wasn’t) I’d feel really weird about helping/feel kind of bummed, and would likely feel that I was being taken advantage of – the other bridesmaids can’t help, but I wasn’t asked and now need to do the work?
Post # 5
Friends and bridesmaid =/= wedding slaves. If she wants to help, she will offer. It is YOUR wedding.
Post # 6
She has nothing to do with the wedding other than potentially be a guest. She is not expected to help in anyway or be your slave.
Post # 7
Uhh she’s sick and she wasn’t chosen as a bridesmaid…why do you think she should have any obligation to help or even want to help? If you considered her a good friend, good enough to help, you would have made her a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If she considered you a good enough friend, good enough to help, she probably would have done so already unless being sick has caused her to not want to help.
Good luck with this.
Post # 8
@arsing89: +1, well said.
Post # 9
Thanks, ladies. It sounds like, really, only the bridesmaids can be expected to help. For some reason, I always thought that — as a good friend — you should offer to help another good friend plan their wedding or pitch in for at least a small task. I’ve certainly done that for other good friends in the past. For one good friend (I wasn’t her bridesmaid), I researched vendors and help her set her tables up at the wedding.
But it sounds like it’s not quite right to expect anything, even though, I would do the same for a good friend.
Post # 10
why the F would she help you plan your wedding if she isn’t a BM? Even if she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she isn’t obligated to help you do any wedding planning. Sure, it’s nice if she does but again not a requirement. The only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your fiance. If she is a good enough friend to expect her to help you then why isn’t she a BM?
My advice is to learn to accept the fact that no one is as interested in your wedding as you are. The quicker you accept that the easier wedding planning will be.
Post # 11
@MrsWBS: Clarification — I wasn’t expecting her to help plan my wedding, just that she would offer to help with a few small tasks, i.e. usher guests, pick up cupcakes, that kind of thing. No heavy lifting, of course.
Post # 12
I’m sorry, but WHAT!? She’s not a bridesmaid, and you’re upset that she isn’t trying to help you plan the wedding? That’s ridiculous. Honestly, I’m 10 days out from my wedding and I felt bad even asking my BMs to help me assemble favors. These are supposed to be your friends, not your slaves. If you aren’t even asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’d drop this argument quickly, because it’s not fair to your friend, at all.
Post # 13
It’s just like expecting people to help you move—- most folks are not going to go out of their way to volunteer for that, and half the people who do volunteer are only doing so out of formality. They don’t really want to help. They just want to be polite.
I would reset my expectations as to what people will be contributing; graciously accept any offers of help, try not to over-burden any one person (no matter how willing), but make all your plans on the assumption that you are the only one who is going to be doing anything, except of course for those people that you hire and pay.
I would also set my expectations accordingly for the bridesmaids, because it’s not reasonable to expect they will be jumping in to complete DIY projects, hang decor, or spend weekend after weekend going shopping with you.
It is also really unfair to judge your friends or place value on your friendships based on what you have done in the past for other friends. Firstly, we all show our appreciation for our friendships in different ways. For you, that may be pitching in to help with wedding stuff; for others, that may be in giving rides to the airport, looking after your pet while you’re away, picking up the check at dinner, or one of the many other ways to show you care. There’s no rules here! Plus, situations and circumstances make it so that you might not even make the same effort for two different people who you love equally— maybe in the past, it has been easy to offer assistance with a friend’s wedding, but in the future you have a very demanding job or a sick child taking your attention and energy, and you’re not able to do the same for another friend.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It’s your wedding. Why would you expect anyone to do anything for it? You want a wedding, you plan it, you work for it, you pay for it. So plan something that you and your Fiance can do all on your own without needing the help of others. If someone offers help, be happy for the assistance. But if they don’t, you have no basis for holding it against them.
Post # 16
@36goldfish: It is fair to expect absolutely nothing of your friends as far as helping you plan the wedding goes, and this is especially true if you haven’t even asked her to be a bridesmaid. Expect her to be a guest who comes to support you emotionally on the biggest day of your life, nothing more. Even if you ask her to be a bridesmaid, the only thing she should be expected to do is buy her dress and show up to the shower and the wedding itself. I’m sorry you don’t feel support in the way you want it, but I honestly think you’re asking a little too much, especially if she’s been ill.