Post # 1
I should’ve posted this before I did anything, but need some advice or maybe just to vent.
Here is the situation: I work in a small office of about 15. My boss and his wife are managers. Over the last year, I have become good friends with his wife and we work out together and hang out outisde of work. I just handed out save the dates to two coworkers (no managers), one guy and one girl. For the girl, who is also good friends with “the wife” and am inviting her with the guest. My intention was always to get her to bring the wife. I would feel awkward if my boss came. We work together a lot and he is the very silent type and I have had the most awkward conversations of my life with him. I don’t really want him there, plus if I start inviting managers, I feel like I would have to invite the other 5 (plus spouses), and I don’t want to go there.
After I handed out the invites, “the wife” saw them and now she is not speaking to me. I emailed her and tried to explain my reasoning. I know I should have talked to the wife and my other friend in person before, or just invited my boss. I was majorly upset all day yesterday and I tried to take her out for coffee to explain in person this am, but she refused. I can see why she is upset, I’m basically saying I don’t want her husband to come, which I don’t, but because he is my boss.
I feel like I have damaged this frienship beyong repair. What should I do? Invite her and her husband? Give her her own STD? I don’t really know.
Post # 3
if you’re friends with her, you should have invited her. it might have been your intention for the girl to bring her as her plus one, but how would they possibly know that? it also seems like a slight to both of them.
invite her and your boss. just because you invite them doesn’t mean you have to invite any other managers. you can’t invite her without her husband.
Post # 4
Hm. Honestly, while you probably could have handled the whole thing better (now you know!), it sounds like your friend is being kinda childish about it. Not even letting you explain? She should at least understand that the fact that she’s married to your boss makes the situation awkward.
I don’t know, at this point, your best bet is probably to just try to explain again, invite them both (via the mail, though), and hope that they have the tact not to talk about the invitation at the office where those who aren’t invited will hear about it. Unfortunately, I think you should invite her husband, too–that’s just standard party guidelines, when you invite one person, you invite his/her spouse. If he’s the quiet type, you probably won’t even notice him at the wedding, so don’t worry about having an awkward conversation with him then.
Post # 5
Well I can understand why she is upset, but I’m inclined to say you’re still in the right since weddings are very personal and no one is entitled to an invitation. I think the only thing you did wrong was hand out invitations in person in a way that others who aren’t invited could see them, I think it would have been much better if you mailed them.
And now that you’ve already reached out to her, you can’t take it back. But it was childish of her to not let it wash under the bridge – I think she’s being a little selfish and bratty. But honestly the only thing you should have apologized for was handing out the invitations in a public way when not everyone in the office was invited.
Post # 6
Okay, I know you feel horrible about this and it sounds like your heart was in the right place, but at this point, you need to invite the wife and your boss. It’s the right thing to do as a friend AND professionally. Also, you should let your other friend choose who she wants to be her plus 1–you can’t really dictate that. Good luck!
Post # 7
just invite her with the boss. it’s the right thing to do, and who knows – maybe he won’t come.
but explain to her that she is your good friend and you want her there with you to share your special day.
Post # 8
Honestly.. I would be pretty annoyed with you too. You tried to sneak around and come up with a way that you could invite her without inviting her husband. It’s not OK to split up a married couple for a social event no matter how you do it. And also, you should have never tried to dictact to your other friend who she could bring as her guest. The only thing you can do at this point is apologize and explain your mistake to the wife and tell her that you would love to have her AND her husband at your wedding because she is an important friend.
Post # 9
You recognize that you didnt do the right thing. Not only are you friends with her, but you cant dictate who someone will bring as a guest.
Apologize with out explaining the why, and just say you made a terrible mistake, send them the STD in the mail for her and her husband, and then the invite and hope she can move on as well.
Post # 10
agreed – only way you can handle this situation.
Post # 11
Well…from a corporate perspective, first of all, I don’t think that your boss should expect to be invited. For most people, they dont’ want their bosses seeing them drunk or doing the funky chicken or whatever (and their bosses don’t want that either!).
Frankly, because of these reasons, I think that your boss was being petty because…she’s a manager and her husband’s your boss and she shouldn’t have expected to be invited. But I understand not everyone’s work environment is corporate. However, I do think that she’s in the right to be mad AFTER you’ve told her what you did. But what’s done is done. You were in the wrong here and you should apologize. I agree with lefeymw–you can offer the olive branch and the invitation (to both of them) but I wouldn’t be surprised if she turns you down. No one wants to feel like they’re getting an invite out of pity.
If you’ve damaged the friendship and she refuses to forgive you, then you’ve damaged the friendship and will have to move on. Sucks, but you do what you can and then the ball’s in her court.
Post # 12
I’d mail her and her husband a STD and an invite and leave it at that. She’s hurt and will hopefully talk to you when she calms down. At that time, you can profusely apologize. But, for now- get that STD in the mail TODAY.
Edit: you can’t invite a friend and NOT their spouse! Think about how you would feel if someone invited you to their wedding and not your husband … it does’t matter if you don’t enjoy his company.
Post # 13
Honestly…your friend is overreacting. It’s a STD…not the actual invite. Besides…it’s not like you told her…hey I don’t want your husband at my wedding. You may have been thinking it…but I don’t see anything in your OP that suggests that you said it.
The only things I see wrong are
-you handed out Save-The-Date Cards at work rather than mailing them to each person individually (although they would have probably brought them to work anyway)
-you had the intention of not inviting your friend w/o inviting her husband
Post # 14
I agree – she’s overreacting and being kind of childish. You can invite her to try to make it all blow over, but you don’t have to.