(Closed) Good friend possibly can’t attend wedding.. would you rather?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How would you feel?
    I would totally understand... : (51 votes)
    82 %
    I would be a little hurt : (11 votes)
    18 %
    Screw her. : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Hostess
    16213 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I voted “I would understand.” Because if the friend really is a close friend, then I’m sure the decline isn’t personal.

    Unfortunately, weddings are EXPEN$IVE for guests. Add in funds to travel and it’s very possible that the friend just truly could not swing the money. Especially these days.

    I would be sad my friend couldn’t share in my day, but I’d also force myself to remember that the friendship spans a much greater time than just my wedding day. 🙂

    Post # 5
    Member
    2476 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I would totally understand, and honestly, I wouldn’t even expect a generous gift!  I totally get that people are strapped for cash these days.  I would definitely miss a good friend at my wedding, but there are other times to get together… definitely not a dealbreaker in my book.  🙂

    Post # 6
    Member
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    From the way you explained the situation, I would totally understand. I would be sad, but I couldn’t fault you for something that is out of your control.

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    18643 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I would understand.  As a recent college grad who hasn’t worked in months, I really understand not having the money to go places.  It is so tough right now when you don’t have the money and she really should know that it hurts you inside to not be able to go.  But it isn’t worth going into debt to go to her wedding.

    Post # 8
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I’m in the same situation; one of my closest lifelong friends (we attended school together from second grade until graduating college) has recently moved out of state and just can’t afford to make the trip from Colorado to Indiana. I even asked her to be a bridesmaid, but she just can’t swing it financially. I will still invite her, but I don’t expect a gift… she has student debt, and I know she isn’t getting rich from her Americorps job. What matters is that she explained to me her reasons, told me how much it meant to her that I asked her to stand up for me, and expressed her genuine happiness for me. I’d love to have her at my wedding, but I would never expect someone to go into greater debt on my account! 

    Also, if your friend’s reason for not being able to attend your wedding truly is financial, it seems counterintuitive to expect her to be able to come up with the funds for a generous gift. I think the thoughtful letter should show you that she does care; she shouldn’t have to prove it with money.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1510 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I would totally understand.  While every bride gets her “day,” she also can’t expect people to put their livelihoods aside for it and break the bank if they can’t afford it.  Your close friend not being able to afford to come is a good person for telling you in advance and being honest about it, which can be embarassing and difficult to do. 

    There is no reason that you should be upset.  If you act upset with her, you will really hurt the friendship in my opinion.  Your friend has done everything right ettiquette wise.  Doing or saying something to the extent that you think she should push her financial wellbeing, which sounds like its in a precarious position now, just so that she can attend your wedding will really hurt her feelings as well as most likely make her think that you are being unnecessarily selfish is that you don’t care about her finances/ future. 

    I know its hard when you can’t have everyone that you want at your wedding, but it’s ok.  Your wedding will still be wonderful and you will have an amazing day.  I also think that during all of this planning, we brides tend to turn into raving lunetics (at least I do) and get offended or annoyed about things that in any other case we wouldn’t. 

    What I’ve tried to do when I start feeling the way you are is just step back and think about if the rolls were reversed, how would I want my friend, the bride, to respond. 

    Just remember, in the end, you will have your husband, but you don’t want to damage a friendship during a stressed out bride moment that most likely will be on accident.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I would understand, though I would be sad about it- but I’ll be sad about most people who rsvp “no”.  I would really appreciate the letter, but I also wouldn’t expect a gift, or a gift that was more generous than usual, so if you can’t afford it I would just give her whatever you would normally give.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1482 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I’d like to be one of those people who would say, “I would understand and everything would be all rainbows and sunflowers” but it’s still very hard to have close friends say no. I think if you are close friends with the bride/groom, a phone call is nicer than a letter. Being across the country though, it’s definitely more understandable than being in the same town. as the bride, I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t be hurt a little and that the thought wouldn’t cross my mind that you knew about the date for HOW long? However, you get over it.

    Post # 13
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I would tell my friend that I understand and that the next time she visits or I visit her, we can celebrate then. I would also offer to email her some pictures after the wedding.

    I would be disappointed, but if it is a good friend you would understand the circumstance. I would be more hurt if someone I thought I was close to didn’t RSVP or replied no without an explanation.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Huh?  Of course I would understand.  It is expensive for people to travel.  It depends on how close you are, but I even then, it is understandable.  I would send her something personal to let her know how much you really really care.  Can you send her a personal note with some flowers that day in the morning?

    Post # 15
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I would be a little hurt, but if she explained the situation and was apologetic, I’d understand. It wouldn’t feel great, but if she was sincere, then it would be okay. Things happen.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    I hope you are going to tell her in person/over the phone rather than by letter (even if you send a card with the gift later). Even though I would understand that you can’t attend, being told that way would probably hurt my feelings. A very good friend of mine who was also going to do my hair and makeup had to rsvp no to me after her sister decided to get married on the same day (with 2 months notice). I was devastated and I did cry about it but I understood. Like someone else said, your friendship lasts a lifetime but the wedding is just a day.

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