(Closed) Got a gift from a person not invited to the wedding…26 days to the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

I think the question is do you want her in your life or not?  If you want her involved send an invite. It sounds like the kind of friendship that makes you uncomfortable if you’re feel pressure to invite and you don’t like it.  How have you felt during the months without contact?  Was it a good, free feeling, a sigh of relief?  Or did you miss her and are glad she’s reaching out?  Once you figure that out, go forward with your decision and if its not having her in your life, don’t feel guilty, people and friendships change.

Post # 4
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If she planned a wedding in the last CENTURY she knows that one month before the wedding all the invites are delivered.  This may be a peace offering, but there is no way she actually thinks that there is a chance she was originally invited.

I say invite her if you want her there and don’t if you would rather her not be in attendance.  It was a nice thing to do to send you a gift but it most DEFINITELY does not warrent an invitation IMO.

Post # 5
Member
3317 posts
Sugar bee

She may be extending an olive branch, but I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding.

Sometimes people just send gifts because they want to commemorate the occasion of your wedding, not because they want/expect an invite.

At this point if you invite her she knows she was an afterthought, not someone you really wanted there, I think it could do more harm then good to repair the relationship.

Post # 6
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t think you need to invite her to the wedding. If it ever comes up, you can always say “we are keeping/kept it small.”

I think sometimes people feel there should be reciprocity in wedding invitations. We went to the wedding of an acquaintence halfway across the country 4 years ago. We are not inviting them.

Your situation is a little different since you were IN her wedding and it is more recent. If you decide to “invite” her to the wedding, I would wait until the RSVP deadline, ask her if she is coming, and say “I’m sorry, the invitation must have been lost in the mail.”

(BTW 26 day countdown too!)

Post # 8
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s not unheard of to receive gifts from people who are not invited to the ceremony.  At this point guests have their invitations in hand – and any reasonable person who has planned an event recently will be aware of that.  I think this gift was most likely meant to mend fences.  – There’s also a chance that she had picked the “perfect gift” for your wedding before your falling and out, and regardless of the history between you, she wanted you to know that she wishes you the best in your life with your husband.

I don’t think there’s any need to send an invitation.  Particularly if this is the first gesture/step made towards repairing a rift between the two of you.  And it’s not a good idea to invite people you “hope won’t come” to your wedding!  What a way to add unneeded stress or drama!

In the thank you note sincerely thank the couple for the gift.  But don’t extend an invitation to get together in the note.  (It seems as though you are attempting to reciprocate – and the couple may think “if you want to see us so badly you’d have invited us to the wedding.  You’re only making nice because of the gift.” – which may be true, but isn’t the sentiment you want in a thank you!)  Just thank them for the gift.  Write how you are looking forward to using it, and how you were so happy to hear from them (if that’s true).

If you really do want to get together, then follow up in a week or two (write it ahead of time and just drop it in the mail) with a different card mentioning that you and FH are going to be having a dinner party (or getting together for drinks – or whatever) shortly after your wedding/honeymoon [include a date] and would like for them to join you.

Post # 9
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Beth2010: Politely thank them for the gift, but don’t invite them. Just because she sent you a gift doesn’t mean that’s her ticket into a free party. The point of a gift is to bless someone. If her intention was to be included (ie, get something out of it), then it wasn’t a gift, it was a bargaining chip. Don’t let her guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. If it pisses her off, and she doesn’t get over it, then I don’t see why you are still friends with her. :/

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but you don’t deserve to get pushed around.

Post # 10
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Beth2010: I wouldn’t worry about inviting her. She sent a gift and usually if people send a gift before hand they can not come anyway…right? Maybe not, but don’t stress over it you have enough to think about. Just make sure you send a thank you card like you said you were going to and call it good.

We are getting married the same day! We are getting so close huh 🙂 Also, I am from Grand Rapids MI not too far from you. That’s where FH and I are gettting married (we just live in IL temporarily) anyway, good luck to you on your big day!!

Post # 11
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We got gifts from a few people who we didn’t invite. not in quite so touchy a situation, but nonetheless, I don’t think an invite is necessary. SEnd a nice thank you note and let it be.

Post # 12
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

@Beth2010: 

I agree with everyone else. Send a nice thank you card but don’t invite her. If you run into her somewhere just say you kept the wedding small if she says anything about not being invited. 

Post # 13
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t invite her to your wedding. It sounds coincidental that less than a month she sends you a gift. She must have realized she NEVER got an invite and is hoping for one now. Regardless, i dont think you are obligated to invite her. You haven’t even spoken! I’d send her a thank you card and be done with it. She had a chance within those 10 months to applogize or make a mends, why now is she suddenly sending you a gift less than a month from your wedding? seems kinda fishy

Post # 14
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you should send her a very nice thank you note and extend an olive branch from your end as well but do NOT invite her to the wedding!   Only because it is going to look incredibly dodgy and will probably be more hurtful than thoughtful.  She will obviously know that the invite was an afterthought and I’d rather just not be invited altogether and hypothesize reasons for the lack of invite on my own, than be given an ‘afterthought’ invitation.   She knows she wasn’t invited if it’s now 26 days before the wedding but she still chose to send a gift.  

I don’t know too many people who would be spiteful enough to buy a gift and send it solely to send a message of “I know you didn’t invite me to your wedding and I’m mad about it.”  Accept the gift as the goodwill gesture it seems to be and see if you can repair your friendship from there. 

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