Post # 1
I finished my degree recently and have been applying for lots of different jobs in lots of different places, just with the philosphy that I would learn what I wanted by putting myself out there and learning about different career options.
Now I have a job offer for a sort of once in a lifetime job that would turn me down a different path than I had thought I would follow but it could be a good path.
The bad part is that it means moving to a city six hours away from my almost-husband almost right after the wedding. This is why I keep crying. I look at him and imagine not being able to spend every day with him and it makes my heart hurt.
His dream job is in our current city. He is willing to move but only when and if he finds an equally excellent job in the new city.
So if I say yes to the job, we could be living apart, only visiting on weekends for up to a year.
I just spoke to the job people and they just assumed that I would say yes, though I haven’t made any firm committment yes, just thanked them for the opportunity.
I feel conflicted – like I am putting my career over my relationship. And on the other hand I feel like it is also not good to just put my relationship over my career. Moving apart won’t mean we would break up and it is temporary. If I stay here, I may always resent not following my own career path.
We also want to have a baby soon (I’m 35).
I could use some words of wisdom or encouragement bees….
Post # 3
I’ve lived 5 hours away from Fiance for the past 2 years. Some months I’ve driven the 10 hours round trip every single weekend. My car is totally beat, but it was worth it! My job (grad school) will require us to move 10 hours away the week after the wedding, but he’s coming with me this time. He’s working from home from his old job and we’re just hoping for the best. Something had to give, so he said he was willing to move. I told him that if he moved this time, I’d move for his career next time the opportunity arose.
LDR is doable, but it’s easier when you have a definite end in sight? I knew I’d be home in June 2012 when we started the distance, so it made it better.
Post # 4
So are you planning on continuing working after having children? If you are, then you might want to consider this opportunity. The job market is so tough right now that it’s hard to really find much of anything and sometimes you have to jump if something sounds good.
Long distance is hard but it’s definietly doable, especially now with Skype, smartphones, etc.
Post # 5
It sounds like a great opportunity. I could not take a job that far from Darling Husband but that’s just me. I was raised in a military family and my mom gave up her career to follow my dad for 30 years. She said that is just what married people do for each other.
As for your future TTC efforts, I’d definitely think about that. You might have to put that on hold for a year….unless you ovulate on the weekends. And then, I wouldn’t want to be pregnant and living away from my Darling Husband…but that’s just me.
Post # 6
Thank you for your comments.
@bookworm88. I agree, if there was a definite end, it would make it easier. He thinks we should re-evaluate after 1 year. To me that sounds like an eternity but I have to be respectful of his career too.
@MissAsB Yes, I think I would like to continue working and we’ve talked about him staying home for a while with the children. It is definitely a consideration as this job would offer me mat leave with unemployment and in my current situation, I wouldn’t have access to that at all. But as texasbee points out, it would be harder to conceive if we were away from each other and pregnant on my own sounds awful – and we want two so we can’t wait too long.
@texasbee My mom did the same for my military dad and is incredibly bitter about it now that they have divorced.
An upside is that the new city is bigger with more potential for jobs – just a matter of I want both of us to be happy.
Post # 7
Sending wonderful thoughts your way, congrats on the job! It’s hard at the start but once you get into a new routine it gets easier i promise! Fiance and I have to work with him being gone for 2 weeks at a time up north at a mine. I’m not going to lie its hard without him around but you’ll make it! keep us posted on how it goes.
Post # 8
With your job, is there any room to telework? People in my office work from home one or two days a week. If you could be at home Monday and Friday, three days apart wouldn’t be so bad. Similarly, if he could telework some of the time, it could be really good.
What I would do is take it and try it for 6 months (while TTC). At that point, explore your options– do you want to move home? Does your husband want to enter the job market? Is there any flexibility? What makes sense? Then go from there.
Post # 9
@envirobride: I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but does the new job offer you any kind of flex scheduling/work from home options? Also, maybe it’s a good time for your Fiance to just start putting out feelers in this city. Something awesome could come up – the only way to allow that to happen is if he starts looking!
This, By The Way, is a back-of-the-mind worry for me as well. I’ll be finishing my Ph.D. within the year and going on the academic job market. Fiance moved to this city about 18 months ago and loves it. He doesn’t want to leave, if at all possible. He will support me, and we both are in agreement about the kinds of places we do and don’t want to live, so I’m confident that whatever happens we’ll be in agreement – and Lord knows I would love to stay in this area too if the opportunity arises – but I am apprehensive about what will happen if the only job offers I get are in really unappealing places?
Post # 10
Thank you Mrs Charpentier – it is good to know that others are making it work.
Pollywog and KCKnd2, there is some telecommuniting options just for the summer but only as a transition sort of thing. I would be the big boss and so they need me to be there to be the leader. Sigh.
@KCKnd2 – sounds like we have the same situation. I moved here just to do the PhD, Fiance moved here 2 years ago for his current job and totally loves it here and would stay here forever if he could. We talked alot about how we would compromise when this day came but I didn’t expect it to be so hard emotionally for me.
All of the other jobs that I’ve applied to (academic ones) are in places that it would be much harder for him to find a good job.
I am also feeling quite guilty that he may have to give up his dream job to move to the new city with me eventually…
Post # 11
First off, congratulations on the job offer and the upcoming wedding! You have so much exciting stuff going on in your life. And I’m sorry it’s also a stressful decision!
One thing I’ve thought for quite awhile, and DBF and I have agreed on, is that it’s very difficult to have two careers receive equal importance in a relationship. That is doubly true once there are children in the picture. That doesn’t mean that one person’s career ALWAYS gets priority, but I do think that most people can’t have it all, all at the same time. We’ve agreed that we will decide whose career takes precedence at a given time and follow that job (our jobs also could require us to live in different cities if we want to advance).
If you want to start having children soon, I think this is a valid question to discuss with your Fiance – whose career takes precedence for say, the next 6 – 7 years? In addition to helping decide where to live, it also can help decide what to look for in a job. With kids, one of you is going to need reasonable hours and/or flexibility to deal with childcare issues, sickness, appointments, etc.
If you take the job in the new city and he looks for a new job, those may be key features he wants to look for (even over higher pay). If you decide to stay in the same city, thinking about what kind of life you want in 2 – 3 years could also help guide your job search.
Down the line, whose career takes priority might flip if a job situation changes, if an opportunity comes up, etc. It sounds like you’re at a deciding point right now.
Best of luck in your decision. It will all turn out fine, and thinking about these issues now will help in the long run.
Post # 12
Thank you @Kurzweil
It is a good way to think about it. Fiance has said that in a year we would basically see if I love the job and if so, he would leave his. So I guess what he is proposing is that both of our careers get priority for one year – basically over our relationship.
Also a good point about reasonable hours with children in the picture. That was part of why I may be okay with leaving academia, which is not known for its reasonable workloads. This job I’ve been offered is really hard but also comes with a fair bit of flexibility in terms of hours and time off when needed.
I just keep imagining myself driving away and crying – maybe its hormones.
Post # 13
ug. still crying but feeling a little better for having talked it out here. Thanks bees.
Post # 14
I’m starting my PhD in August, which is why he’s moving with me. I absolutely want to teach when I’m done, but I won’t ever be the “breadwinner”, so his career is going to take precedence in the future. I may get stuck teaching community college or we could get lucky and I’ll find a job wherever he works. He told me flat out that he would move with me now and if he didn’t have the job he wanted in the future, but once he finds his permanent job, he won’t be moving. I agreed to the deal.
I don’t think I could move without him, even if I was offered a job at some crazy prestigious university. We’re in an LDR right now (that ends next week!!) and I wouldn’t want to do it again. I’m too excited just to see him everyday, so I think I’m willing to sacrifice some of my career to do so. I am fulfilled by my career, but I’m more fulfilled by having my family and home? (Though I couldn’t be a stay at home wife, I’d need to work somewhere, even if it wasn’t my ideal job.)