(Closed) Got an STD for Oct 27, but no invitation…should I contact the bride and groom?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would wait another week and then ask, their rsvp date is probably the end of september. They also just might be really late on sending out the invites haha. Do you know anyone else who is attending and could you check and see if they got anything?

Post # 4
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would think most people send out invitations 6 weeks in advance, so you’ve still got time. It would be very awkward if you contact them and you are no longer invited

Post # 5
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Technically its 6-8 weeks for the wedding, and this weekend would be the 6 week mark.  I’d definitely wait before contacting them.  Like PP said, do you know anyone else who got a STD to see if they’ve gotten their invitations yet?

Post # 6
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Since you received a STD, it is perfectly reasonable to send the bride a quick little email/text/whatever just letting her know that you didn’t receive the invite.  Things can get lost in the mail, and it’s helpful for brides to know that you didn’t receive the invite, in case they are waiting for your RSVP and thinking you’re being rude and not responding in time.

If you have been uninvited, it’s up to the Bride/Groom to politely inform you of such, instead of ignoring you and pretending that they never sent a STD.

Post # 7
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ooh, that’s tricky.  I think I would wait a while to see if you get it in the next week or 2.  I just got an invite for an Oct. 27th wedding last week, so it might still be coming.  

If you don’t hear by then end of Sept. then it might be worth contacting the couple.  However, I do think contacting them would be dependent on your relationship with the couple and if you have to make travel arrangements.  If you are familiy or a good friend, then I would definitely ask.  We did have some of our invites lost in the mail and two of my friends had to ask me about them – so it does happen.  I might also ask if you have to book plane tickets – since you’ll need to get those sooner rather than later.

However, if you aren’t that close to the couple and don’t have to make travel arrangements, I might just wait to see if you get a call after the RSVP deadline.  It might be the case where their guest list changed and they had to cut people.  It’s super rude, but it does happen and I wouldn’t want to have that awkward phone conversation.

 

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is precisely WHY I am not a fan of Save The Dates… and from an Etiquette POV they are not the best newest invention…

Technically, when it comes to Invites to a Wedding… it is the Invitiation and ONLY the Invitation that holds any weight.

You’ve now been put into the awkward situation of “wondering what’s up”

It is entirely possible that the B&G got all enthusiastic about their Wedding way back when and sent out Save The Dates to tons of folks (utilzing them more as Engagement Announcements than anything else)

But perhaps in the passage of time, and the realistic light of Wedding Planning discovered that they (or whomever is hosting) cannot afford to welcome as many as they had originally thought / hoped / dreamed of

Consequently you did not receive an Invite… as they’ve now been forced to trim the Guest List.  IF You choose to call them as a follow up, it will most certainly cause embarrassment (for both of you)

If you know someone else who is probably Invited… you might want to “discreetly” call them and ask if they’ve received their Invites (and When) and what the details are.

It is possible, that you may still receive an Invite all the same… particularly true if the couple is SLOW on sending things out… OR if they are working with a multi-tiered Guest List (aka the A List & the B List).  B-List Invites typically go out as the NO RSVPs come in (ya it kind of sucks to know you are on the B List, BUT it is still better than not being invited… realizing that Weddings are very expensive affairs, and take as much strategic planning as a historical military invasion)

On the other hand, you could just wait things out.

IF your Invite was lost in the Mail… and the RSVP Deadline passes, you will no doubt receive a phone call from the Hosts inquiring if you received it, and wanting to know the status of your Reply

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you have to make travel arrangements to attend this wedding, you should probably contact the bride sooner, rather than later.  If not, and you think you might have been d-listed, then leave it until the end of the month.

I know that my guests had a deadline of 1 month before the wedding date to book their hotel rooms.  The hotel would only hold rooms until that date…so if that’s an issue for you, you might want to investigate.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We had two invites lost in the mail.  It happens and you won’t know if it was mail failure or a “too big a STD list” unless you ask.  🙁  You could wait and see if they call for your rsvp, however, I have heard some brides here proclaim they won’t follow up on missing rsvps, so it’s a slightly risky plan.

Alternatively, you could have a friend who did receive an invitation ask on your behalf, if you think it’s likely that they left you off on purpose and don’t want to have the awkward conversation with them.

Post # 11
Bee
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Franklin Plaza

I would wait a little bit longer.. I had some issues with my invites and they went out a bit late (around 5-6 weeks) and it was super annoying to be poked by everyone and their mother asking when they were getting their invite. Give them another week or two. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Mrs. Coyote:  Eeks, I hope your guests weren’t traveling!  Most of my weddings are out of state so getting an invitation at the 5 week mark would have meant I couldn’t attend because plane flights would be too pricey then/hotels booked up.

Post # 13
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My wedding is November 3 and we still haven’t sent our invites. Wait at least another week before asking.

That said, definitely ask. If my guests don’t get the invite for some reason I’d be so sad if they never said anything to me.

Post # 14
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I would give it a bit more time. We recently got an invite 4 weeks before the wedding. It’s a more casual wedding, and I thought it a bit strange as the couple told us a few months before they were inviting us and were so excited to see us there. So we were sort of waiting for the invite to come and I had almost given up on it…lol. 

Unless it requires a lot of travelling, I would sit on it for another week at least. But I echo other posters, if you can, discreetly ask others that are invited if they received theirs yet. 

Post # 15
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@This Time Round:  I think stds have their place as long as you’re very careful to send them to a limited group of “VIP” people you actually want to save the date and are certain you wan there and would be upset of “prior plans” interfered with their attendance.  I sent out far fewer stds than invites and it worked perfectly to actually give out of town guests plenty of notice to book flights and a physical paper to refer to when making arrangements.  It wasn’t just a thoughtless blast to everyone I thought I might like to invite, and I’m always surprised when they’re treated as such. 

As for the OP if you really want to attend this wedding I’d contact the bride. If you’re ambivalent (would attend if it’s convenient, but don’t have your heart set on it) or are for sure planning to decline anyway I’d leave it alone.  I’m curious though if you’ve had other casual contact with the bride where the wedding/your potential attendance was discussed?  

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