(Closed) got into fight about being engaged with mom….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Um you learned if you upset your mom, they had no problem pitching you out of a window.  That is INSANE.

You know in your gut that’s wrong.  You also have to know if this guy is the right one.  It’s a shame that some people use emotional blackmail to control their children, but your no longer a child, you’re an adult, with a man that loves you and wants to have your own family.  She’ll come around, or meh, she won’t.  I would let it for a little while to see if she comes around.  I’m sure she won’t but you can’t not have a life because she is upset. 

Post # 4
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

We cannot control other people behavior/ reactions. we can just control how we react to them. The best you can do is learn to adapt to your mother’s “love language” and personally vow not to treat your children that way.

that is the best advice i can offer you

*hugs*

Post # 5
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Your parents threatened to toss you out a window just because you made a smart mouthed comment when you were four.  They belong in prison, not with you twisting yourself in knots to try to please them.  

Your mother’s behavior is not about love.  It’s about manipulation and control.

Post # 6
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Uhhh..

1) She says that even if I met the perfect guy she wouldn’t like him because I’m her baby girl. To me, all that reinforces is my thought that she doesn’t like him.

2) She is hurt that I don’t understand her. My dad says that I have to understand her “tough love” and the fact that she thinks like an old fashioned korean. And that her criticism are her showing her love. And that by criticizing my fiancee she is trying to build that love for him.

3) That if I ask, she will stop showing her “love” but that it would hurt her and cause her to not be close to me.

I don’t know how to respond to this. Intellectually I understand what she’s saying. Emotionally it’s a whole other story.

You understand what she’s saying intellectually?  Because I don’t.  It sounds crazy.

Normal people don’t communicate and feel “close” to someone by criticizing them.  I would ignore your parents unless/until they figure out how to stop messing with your head.

Post # 7
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Social services should have taken you away from these lunatics pretending to be your parents.  

She’ll stop showing you her “love”, i.e. criticism, but it will hurt her???  It will hurt her NOT to be able to criticize you?  I didn’t understand what whe was in therapy for, but honey, you’re the one who needs to be in therapy.  Hopefully a good therapist can convince you to cut these toxic assholes out of your life and move on with your Fiance.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never understood blaming poor behavior on cultural norms – I don’t care if she’s Korean or Martian, that is not the way you treat people you are supposed to love.

Post # 8
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I lived in Korea for a very long time. I saw how korean mothering happened. I also have some very close friends who are korean – I got to see it from the outside in. They weren’t as sweet and motherly as a US mother would be. They were critical – all Asian mothers act like this. They want the best for their offspring. BUT they also know that they will not always be listened to – and I promise when you go forth with your decision she will eventually support you.

EDIT: this is a culturally relevent topic that most US women will not understand…

Post # 9
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@suburbian:  So Korean mothers think that treating their kids like shit and making them cry is the best way to ensure their success?  Or do they not equate success with happiness?  I’m geniunely curious because that just seems so strange to me.

Post # 10
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@oneofthesethings:  Yup.  I lived in Korea for eight long years.  One of my good friends has a Korean mother.  My friend wound up anorexic in her early 20s because her mother constantly hen pecks at her every little stupid fucking thing.  The younger brother is spoiled rotten, though, and at age 17 still had to be babysat so he wouldn’t literally eat everything in the fridge and pantry.

My mom was Japanese.  She could be kind of critical, but not on a scale like a lot of other Asian mothers.  My mom did things like not wanting us to wear red because she thought that was reserved for hookers.

Post # 11
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

One of my best friends is Asian and she has had what sounds like similar experiences  to you her entire life.  She struggles a lot with the difference between the parenting tactics that her parents find acceptable and what *western* culture has taught us is an acceptable way to parent.  Now that she is having her first child this culture clash has ramped up significantly.  She has told me that she has found comfort and support through online forums dedicated to discussion between children of first generation asian immigrants.  Perhaps you could explore this as a means of support?  I think you are on the right page here but the ‘bee may not be the best place to get the type of advice that you need, as a PP said this is a cultural specific problem that many readers will not understand.  I’m very sorry that you are going through this as I’ve seen first hand how difficult it can be and cannot imagine having to go through this myself.

Post # 12
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@oneofthesethings:  It’s not treating them ‘like shit’ as you have said. You are froma different culture so unless you have an open mind – you wouldn’t understand.

First, let me say that I do not agree with these parenting processes and the father ‘holding the child out the window’ is definately a terrible and horrible first memory to have. I do not condone these acts.

All I was saying was when I would see Korean mothers interact with their children they would say mostly critical things. You didn’t get a good grade on your homework, that outfit looks slouchy, you need a haircut, you’re getting fat. Even US mothers say things similiar. The difference is that most US mothers couple this with a sweetness or other mothering acts that soften the way these criticisms are handed down.

It is from the long-standing traditions where the mother helps the woman find a man (via arranged marriage). She had a say in everything the child did – from how they walked to how they spoke and what college degree they would get. All of this would mean the family name would live on in a respected tradition. I would go on but I feel this is not the correct audience that would be open to culterally different viewpoints and ways of life that differ from their own. 

It is not how we do or see it ‘here’ but it doesn’t make it wrong. Most asians learn how to take the criticisms and keep on with life. Not all…but most.

Post # 13
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ranyamellon:  Wow, I’m so sorry for the relationship that you have with your parents. We lived in Korea, and I know how old-school Korean parents can be, but this is excessive and abusive. I think your best bet is to distance yourself from these people. Not drop them from your life… but keep an arm’s length and don’t expect too much from them. I know that’s hard, but it’s best.

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@suburbian:  I get what you’re saying, and I do have an open mind.  I know that things work differently in different cultures.  Just because I’m not used to something doesn’t make it wrong.  

However.  I think that any type of parenting can be taken to an extreme.  The OP is an adult now, and shouldn’t be made to cry by the actions of her parents.  Adults, unlike kids, have the capacity to make their own choices, whether or not their parents believe that they are making the correct choices.

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