Got into fight with close friend over relationship advice, what to do?

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
416 posts
Helper bee

Her financial arrangements with her partner are none of your business *upon which to comment*, IMO. What IS your business is whether or not she is of good character. Is she a person with whom it’s worth spending your time? Take a larger look at the overall way she operates in her life and decide whether she should have a place in yours. 

Post # 17
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee

Did she ask for your opinion or advice? Why do you care how her and her fiance handle their relationship?

Post # 18
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Personal story that’s similar to the situtation you’re in: I have a wealthy friend who was dating a not so wealthy guy. She’d get so mad when he couldn’t take her to fancy restaurants and little trips. She TRULY felt that she was not asking for a lot.. a $100 meal for two is cheap in her mind. She wanted to go on little overnight trips often and would get mad when he couldn’t afford the hotel and all their meals and made more affordable recommendations (like packing sandwiches from home to bring to the beach). This guy was super sweet, really loved my friend, the way he’d look at her was adorable. Well she ended up breaking up with him, mostly because she felt he was “cheap” Like you, I was SOOOO tempted to explain to her that she was asking to much of him and that not everyone grew up like she did. I felt angry that she ruined a relationship with what I thought was a perfect guy for her. But when I really thought about it, if being taken care of finanically like her mom was is what she’s used to and what she needs then that’s her business not mine. My job as a friend is to offer a listening ear, it’s her life, I don’t have to agree with the way she lives it. We’re friends because we have fun together and she’s great to talk to, her love life isn’t my business. 

Post # 19
Member
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Commentary regarding another person’s relationship is just asking for hurt feelings. It would be like an “old fashioned” friend telling you that you need to cook and clean for your man. 

Post # 20
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Personally it would be hard to have a friend where I couldn’t speak openly ever. I can be friends with someone and not see eye to eye on everything they do but don’t want to feel like as a friend I have to agree with everything. I can understand being a bit miffed, but based on what you’ve described her reaction sounds extreme. Honestly I would question someone’s character if they knew their fiance was uncomfortable with something and pushed them to do it anyway in the name of being ‘old fashioned.’

Post # 21
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I disagree with most PP, sometimes our views get warped when it’s our situation and our friends need to gently remind us of the situation and make us see our partner’s side.

My Father-In-Law said some pretty hurtful things just before we got married. It caused some friction between me and my husband. I was super pissed and couldn’t gloss over the comments he’d made but my husband, being used to his father, is of the opinion to knuckle under. I would roll my eyes when we’d talk to his dad, I wasn’t willing to talk to Father-In-Law and I was also calling his dad names because I was hurt. My husband was getting annoyed that I was calling his dad names. So I bitched to my friend, she said of course Father-In-Law is a dick and of course you’re right to be pissed at him but Darling Husband also has a right to be pissed at you, would you be ok with him calling your mum names? I was annoyed with my friend because most of us hate it when someone points out that we’re wrong, or more likely that there’s two sides to every story and we’re just focussed on how our side is ‘right’.

This is causing friction in your friend’s relationship and you offered the alternate view. It’s more than likely that she could have taken your words more harshly than intended and you might have been more harsh than was necessary. It’s impossible to tell if you could have delivered it better. However, I think offering your advice was fine.

Post # 22
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

Was this a reaction that was entirely unexpected on her part? I feel like for the most part, I can typically forsee the kinds of things that may set a particular friend off. 

Just as a side note, I’m with you on this one, OP. I probably would have done a similar (light-hearted) bit with any of my friends–though I can’t say I’m close with anyone that may have this viewpoint nowadays.

Post # 23
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I suggest that anytime she brings up a topic of conversation where you do not agree with her, and don’t want to get into it, you change the subject. Just keep doing that. 

She clearly feels entitled to his money, that is her opinion. That is their choice and between them. But if i were you when topics come up like that where you see no point in discussing it as it is not your business you simply change the subject. 

Post # 24
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

What’s the point of having friends if you can’t talk openly or gently give your opinion when you think they’re in the wrong?? How your friend handles finances may be none of your business, but it’s not a taboo topic. Since when are friends not allowed to talk about money? It may not be your place to lecture someone about money, but you’re not out of line if you’re just giving your opinion. 

You weren’t wrong to give your honest opinion. Unless you were rude or mean about it, or talked poorly about her to her fiance behind her back, you did nothing wrong. 

She seems really defensive. Her reaction was unwarranted. Her making her fiance pay for everything is also ridiculous, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. And friends shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells around each other. 

There’s probably something deeper going on with her that you don’t know about. That’s prob why she blew up. Her and her fiance have prob had fights about this so this was a sensitive topic to her, unbeknownst to you. Either that or she doesn’t consider you close enough to talk about money with. OR, she didn’t like your tone and she felt that you were patronizing her (even though you didn’t mean to.) Still not a reason to flip out.

Post # 25
Member
3797 posts
Honey bee

Nobody in the world is receptive when someone else tells them what they “should” do. Some people get downright ornery. While you may believe that it’s not cool to have a guy pay for everything, you’re not the one paying. It’s up to her fiance to speak up. 

I mean of course she’s just an entitled greedbag, but you dont have to pay for her ass, so let it go. 

Post # 26
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

sunburn :  Agreed on the “should” part.

I disagree with all the PPs who think your friend is automatically wrong. If she wants a financial provider, so be it. Some men don’t plan to be the chief household operator, don’t plan on being the parent who picks kids up on a sick day, don’t plan to change their career trajectory one bit after having kids and will never know their female partner’s dress size (so she buys his clothes and hers). If you don’t know how they structure their relationship on other fronts you have no idea if this is a reasonable distribution of resources/ responsibilities. 

So many women are burning themselves out on both ends by being equal financial providers, the “default parent” and the house manager.  Let other people find the mix that works for their partnership. If your friend is going to be in a marriage that looks “traditional” (i.e. everything that isn’t his work becomes her job), then the exchange may very well be that he finances the enterprise and she runs it.

Post # 27
Member
6041 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

She told you that she sees his discomfort with the situation and still expects him to pay for everything. Choosing to ignore your SO’s discomfort with something isn’t a wise habit to develop in a relationship and her instant defensiveness when you said something to her makes it seem like she isn’t that confident in her choice.

Post # 28
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I can be brutally honest and disagree with all of my “close” friends without it involving an argument. I’d rethink your friendship with her. I’m not saying don’t be friends with her, but I would probably remove her from my “close friends” category, to more of an acquaintance. And I’d def not be inviting her to anything that involved people to split the bill like dinners, drinks, or vacations.

 

Post # 29
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Look in the end its their relationship and it has nothing to do with you.  Sure you can offer unsolicited advice but be prepared for push back when you do.  She took it you as judging her to be a gold digger and she reacted negatively but the point is, gold digger or not she’s still your friend.

Apparently this works in their relationship or he would’ve done something about it and if its NOT working….he’s a grown assed man and he needs to deal with it. 

Still not your monkeys, not your your circus.

Post # 30
Member
910 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t necessarily think think there is a right or wrong when it comes to the man paying for everything, just a question of whether they are on the same page. In the early stages of a romance, I am more than happy to let the man pay for everything. It is not because I want to take advantage of him financially. I think there are species that have courtship rituals. It was traditional for men to court women, often in competition with other suitors. And I think some men enjoy showing off their ability to pay and showering a woman with gifts. After a relationship becomes more solid and comfortable, we start splitting costs  or taking turns. So for me this would never go on for three years.

But if we are going to criticize your friend for believing men should pay, how about those of us who let the man pay for the engagement ring and never thought to contribute to the cost? Or the women “waiting” for a proposal under the belief that proposing is the man’s role. I will bet there are very few of us who have freed ourselves entirely of gender traditions. And part of the reason is we like some of these traditions.

So I might ask your friend if her attitude is going to cause problems with a guy who doesn’t agree, but I don’t think I would flat out say it is wrong.

 

 

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