Got into fight with close friend over relationship advice, what to do?

posted 4 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
607 posts
Busy bee

 whattodobee :  

You may not like her behaviour and you may not have been harsh, but I’m afraid I agree with annabananabee :  completely. How other people conduct their relationships is their business, not yours. If your advice/opinion was unsolicited, then I’m afraid I think you’re in the wrong here.

Unless she specifically asked you what you thought and if you thought it was right of her to expect her fiance to pay for things, then you were out of line for saying what you did, purely because it isn’t your business. He’s the one who’s in a relationship with her and he is the one acquiescing to paying for things. It’s his money and he can do what he likes with it. If he has a problem with it, it’s for them to sort out, not for you to advocate on his behalf when neither of them has asked you.

Your intentions might have been good, but to be perfectly honest, I could see a lot less of people interfering in other people’s relationships in the world. Unless it’s something downright immoral or their opinion is asked for, other people do not get a say, is what I think.

 

Post # 32
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee

SmartCookie1 :  “well I always give you water and a granola bar before you leave for work”

GIRL!! I slapped my knee and busted out laughing at this. It’s almost kinda innocent and pure that she even would think to equate giving some a granola bar every now and then to picking up the tab during every meal and outing lmao

who is teaching people that this way of thinking is okay? I have questions…

Post # 33
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

I really disagree with the posters who say that you gave unsolicited advice and therefore your friend’s reaction was justified. When someone bitches to you about something—in this case your friend bitching about being offended her boyfriend asked her to pay for things occasionally—they make it your business. I think that entitles you to have an opinion on the subject matter even if the person did not directly ask you for advice. Otherwise you are essentially a wall being talked at or an emotional dumping ground.  If that person doesn’t want opinions, they should shut up and keep their “problems” to themselves.  I am particularly sensitive to this sort of a dynamic because I had close friends who would constantly complain about self-created relationship problems and if I even said a word about anything they would take their anger out on me. So I was forced to silently watch them fuck up their lives and listen to them cry to me about it for years.  It made me feel horrible and helpless. I was just a vessel for all their negativity. Screw that. Never going to be friends with people like that again.

Edited to add: I recommend being friends with people who can take having differences of opinion. It’s just not a real friendship otherwise. Lack of tolerance for differences of opinion shows the person can’t accept YOU for YOU. They only want you on THEIR terms. How shitty is that?

Post # 34
Member
6303 posts
Bee Keeper

She’s entitled to her views and it doesn’t sound as if she asked you for your opinion. Sometimes people just want to vent. You are entitled to your opinion, which I tend to share. How close are you really? My close friendships allow for respectful disagreement. Did you respond that you can see his viewpoint and drop it or did you respond that you can see his viewpoint and then provide a dozen examples of why his viewpoint is superior? Because the former is respectful disagreement while the latter is not.

Post # 35
Member
8164 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Whilst l think ananabees response is rather severely worded, l do agree in essence. I would be highly put out if l was told such a thing , unless l had asked for comment.

FWIW, my h pays for everything pretty much when we are out, but l buy all the household groceries etc. It’s just the way we organise part of our finances and we used to do it the other way round but he was such a crap shopper l changed it lol.  To an outsider l might look like your friend, which l most assuredly am not, ,having been the major earner always.

I know you are not exactly an outsider to her, but might your friend have other arrangements you are not aware of?

whattodobee :  

Post # 36
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

The financials of your friend’s relationship is none of your business. Keep your nose in your own wax. 

Post # 37
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee

happiekrappie :  I know, right? I almost shit myself when she came out with that little gem!

Post # 38
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I really don’t think it was your place or any of your business how she handles the finances of her relationship. Even if I personally agree with your opinion and don’t like her behavior, it’s now your place to judge. whattodobee :  

Post # 40
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee

elderbee :  But there’s a big difference between having an agreed system like that and just expecting your boyfriend to pay for everything when he hasn’t agreed to do that. Her friend’s boyfriend is clearly not happy with being expected to always be the one footing the bill, I think if her friend would have said that’s how they’ve agreed to do things OP wouldn’t have made the comments she did. 

If the situations were reversed and it was a male friend talking about how he makes his girlfriend pay for everything even though she frequently complains the comments would be completely different. He’d be labelled a user, a mooch and loser etc., I’ve seen it before on here, so why the double standard?

People can dress it up as tradition or whatnot, but unless she’s a housewife or has no or very little income of her own it’s just straight up gold digging, and really sh*tty behaviour since he’s obviously uncomfortable with it and she doesn’t care. 

Post # 41
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I just want to raise my hand and say that I never paid for anything while my husband and I were dating. We were both teenagers when we got together. My parents have never had much money, and they didn’t allow me to work or drive, so I had nothing. His parents are wealthy, and he worked for them every summer. This was never an issue for us, and he never complained to me or to anyone about it. When I did get my first job when we were away at college, I did want to start finally paying for dates and meals, but he insisted on paying because he said he wanted to and was happy to. 

However, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with your friend and her fiance, since she said it’s funny how he makes comments about it, yet she still gets him to pay for everything. She can say she’s old-fashioned and want her fiance to pay for everything, I honestly don’t think that viewpoint is “wrong” of her to have. But I do think it’s wrong of her to know how he feels and to not care, and to even find it funny. It’s disrespectful to him and doesn’t sound good for their relationship. If she is your close friend, it’s okay to disagree with her and say that you see where her fiance is coming from. You’re allowed to disagree and call out your close friends. I hope when you talked to her, that it came from a place of love for her and that you were kind and gentle with your words. If not, you might want to consider apologizing to her (not for disagreeing, but if what you said or how you said it came off as rude, harsh, or unloving). You can disagree, but how hard and how long you try to get her to change her mind? I would hope that I would appreciate being called out by a good friend (although I might not appreciate it right away), but I know I wouldn’t like it if anyone insisted on trying to change my mind about something, especially if it was something to do with my own relationship.

Post # 42
Member
8164 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I take your point, but l was just thinking there might have been more to it, Him making complaints might, for instance have been because he doesn’t  factor in things she does or pays for. But the ‘old fashioned ‘ comment is crap, so maybe you are right…

ariesscientist :  

Post # 43
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ariesscientist :  I’d argue if he has been with her for 3 years, and proposed, this IS an agreed upon system, because he keeps paying. It doesn’t mean she’s right, it’s certainly not a mindset I agree with….but it’s not like they just met. She’s obviously upfront about her views, so if he chooses to stay (particularly if he’s unhappy), that’s on him.

And if a woman complained about this I’d tell her exactly what I’d tell him: if you don’t like it, stop paying. It’s not that hard.

Post # 44
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

Every relationship is different so it’s good to withhold judgments. My fiancé usually pays for things, we are pretty traditional and he is the one with the full time job, I am a student haha. But I show my affections by planning us free dates and baking/cooking for him, helping him renovate his house etc. 

If they’ve been together for 3 years they’ve got it figured out I think. 

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