(Closed) Got my first "maybe" RSVP response (vent) and bonus question

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Snapdragon2804:  For your dad’s friend, I would call them a few days before the final numbers need to be turned in to ask if they are coming. If they are still not sure, gently tell them your final numbers are due, money is tight, so you will have to mark them “no”.

For your co-worker, if an invited guest is bumped off because of his rudeness, I would not send him an invite whatsoever. If he asks, tell him that the venue was full and you are sorry.

Post # 4
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would mark your dad’s friend as a no and not give it a second thought. Like you said, if they show up and there’s nowhere for them to sit/nothing for them to eat, they’ll figure it out.

I definitely wouldn’t invite your co-worker. Super rude of him to corner your fiance like that.

Post # 5
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

For your dad’s friend I would call them the day after RSVP’s are due and get a firm commitment either way. 


DH and I work together as well, so that definitely played a role in more people than usual thinking they’d be invited because they know BOTH of us.  For him, maybe send him an invite AFTER your friend’s leave request is approved, and have her get on that ASAP, even if it means before the invites go out. 


Post # 7
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ugh!  I hate it when people think that a wedding is just a reason to get free food and booze!  “Sorry, I can’t make it to the actual ceremony, but I can make it to the party afterwards, even though without the aforementioned ceremony there wouldn’t be a party!”  

When people say no, they say maybe, that drives me nuts!  Are you coming, or aren’t you?  It’s  a simple question.  Also, if you make a big deal about being invited, then say you can’t come, that is sooo irritating.  (okay vented!)

For your dad’s friend:  If she put no, then it is no.  But, I would call and confirm anyway, and if she still isn’t sure, say that you are sorry but you need to give a final head count.

As for the co-worker:  It was very rude of him to corner your FI and put him on the spot like that.  Just say there isn’t any more space and that you are sorry. 

Post # 8
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yes your dad’s friend was a little out of line.  Who basically begs to be invited because they want to come but then don’t ask for the time off in advance and play wishy washy?  I would call and confirm the response closer to the wedding.

I have the same dilemma with the work people.  I only invited certain people, that I am closest to.  When we first got engaged, I told just those people that only they are invited and to not bring it up around the office.  I never bring up our wedding at work but will lightly mention things if someone asks.  I try to say it’ll be small, hoping that would help tell my other coworkers that no one from work is invited (or so they think).  Be careful about adding other coworkers to your list; if someone else finds out, you’ll constantly be adding more people.  Hopefully adults are mature enough to not blab through the office about being invited to your wedding (but as I read posts on here regularly, that’s probably not that case).

Post # 9
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with some of the things other’s have said.

For your dad’s friend, I would call a couple days before the head count is due and get a final yes or no. For me, it would be nice to think they would get the hint if there’s nowhere for them to sit…but in reality I would be stressing out about it (will they or won’t they show up, if they do, where will they sit…etc).

As for your co-worker…I wouldn’t invite him unless someone else declines and you have the room. It’s rude for him to push the invite when you have people you would rather invite. Don’t cave unless you have the room.

Post # 10
8170 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

if you don’t want to invite the coworker that cornered your FI, don’t.


I was invited out for drinks with my co-workers when one of them got engaged.  i had gone out with them many times before for after work happy hours.

the fiance (who i had met since they started dating) asked me if i was going to come to their wedding if it was in puerto rico.  i didn’t know what to say, so replied, “sure, if i am invited.”  well the invitation never came.

i was a little disappointed.  i would have liked them to say they would have liked to include me but they couldn’t afford the extra guest, etc.  needless to say, none of my coworkers are invited to my wedding. 

Post # 11
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If it really bothers you that much, tell Dad’s friend NO. Tell coworker NO. And move on. Stop hemming and hawing over it and assert yourself.

Personally, I would be THRILLED for someone I invited to try their best to make it to the reception if they definitely couldn’t come to the ceremony…but I guess I’m in the minority there. I’m inviting people that I love b/c I want them to celebrate with me, and if someobdy says “Hey, I have to work til 5, so I can’t make it” I am certainly going to tell them to come on whenever they get off.

Post # 12
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Some people have no clue.

Your dad or you should call to clarify the RSVP. I wouldn’t just put them as a No, and then tough luck if they show up and don’t have food. Honestly, although they would be rude to do so I think it’s kind of rude in return (I am SURE others will disagree with me on this and I’m ok with that). I guess something in me just cringes at the thought of someone coming to my reception and not feeding them, even under these circumstances. It should be a pretty easy call to make, just be polite and straightforward.

 @JFay:  I agree with you on being ok with people only coming to reception if they can’t make the actual wedding because of work, etc. We had a couple of people who had to do this. Their lives didn’t stop for my wedding and I was cool with that and happy that they came to the reception.

Post # 13
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Snapdragon2804:  UGH. This is the ugly side of wedding planning, isn’t it?

So for your dad’s friend, I’d have him casually mention “so sorry to hear you can’t make Snapdragon’s wedding!” This will let her know that you are interpreting her response as a firm no. If she tries to backtrack, and your dad is cool with this, he needs to tell her that she has to give a definite yes or no, because you need to to tables and numbers. 

As for the manager… just, wow. I do not understand why people think they have any business inviting themselves to a wedding, much less pestering the groom into submission! This guy needs to hear the good ol’ “damn, our venue has a strict limit and we’re really pushing that right now, so I’m not sure we can add any more guests.” Let your FI take the lead on this, since he’s the one who caved. But in all fairness, it’s hard to deal with requests from management that aren’t work-related. 

Post # 15
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Snapdragon2804:  Of course you’re venting. But you also asked what you should do about the manager…and to me, saying you don’t want to invite someone, then letting them get to you, making you question your decision, is hemming and hawing. Personal opinion.

Post # 16
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Your FI committed to getting the manager an invite…that has to be done at this point…

The flaky people who MIGHT attend? Just mark them NO…sounds like they were just being polite.


Have a gorgeous day!

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