Post # 1
My cousin and I met our guys around the same time. I think I met my Fiance a couple of weeks before she met her husband. They got engaged after only a few months and got married within a year of getting engaged. Fiance and I have been living together for 2 years and dating for 3 years (at this point). We are planning a Spring 2012 wedding.
My cousin just said to me, “You’re not even married to him and you already want to blah blah blah.”
Maybe I just took it the wrong way, but just because we’re not married yet doesn’t mean our relationship isn’t as special as hers.
Post # 3
I get that too. FI’s brother was married a year and a half after meeting his current wife when we had been together for three and a half years and living together for almost two. Right after they got married he started saying stuff like “When you have a wife, you’ll understand” which seemed strange to us since we’ve felt married since we moved in. We just ignore it.
Post # 4
I can see how that may have been construed as snide, especially since you’re planning a wedding. Next time she says something like that, try responding with “Yeah. And?”
Post # 5
OMG that would make me so mad. I hate when people who haven’t been together for as long think that they know more because they have a piece of paper. Or when people who have been in relationships for 3 months compare their relationship to yours (of 4 years!). I truly think people say things like this to make themselves feel better. She probably didn’t mean for it to hurt you the way it did. Try not to let it affect you, because you alone know how special your relationship is and you don’t have to justify it to anyone.
Post # 6
Look… if you think that marriage is just a piece of paper go get it. But the real deal is that you are on weddingbee… and so it has to be more than just the piece of paper. Yes, moving in with someone is a commitment, but reality is that you can also just move out… Marriage doesn’t work that way… There are legal proceedings that make it a little more difficult unless you are Britney Spears and are in Vegas.
Post # 7
For us (DH and I) it really is just a piece of paper. Our relationship didn’t change because of it. Our circumstances didn’t change because of it. A marriage license has no physical hold on us, we can still walk right out the door the same as if we weren’t married. It’s the vows that changed the nature of how we are. But we kinda vowed to each other before we were even engaged, so I wouldn’t say for us that the marriage was anything more than a legal formality with benefits like health coverage. Don’t get me wrong, I loved planning my wedding. I enjoyed the day. But when we were dating we had someone try to pull that “You’ll understand when you’re married” crap on us. And what they were really saying was “If I wasn’t married I would be free to act differently.” That just isn’t the case with us, so I don’t get why people think being married makes them relationship experts.
Post # 8
In my own personal relationship, it is a piece of paper. Being on the wedding bee doesn’t mean that I (we) don’t think that. The wedding bee is where you get help and support with things “wedding” and “relationship” centered. It’s not called the “marriage bee” (although the advise that many of the ladies give on marriage is invaluable). Not having that piece of paper doesn’t make her relationship any less special or make her friend any more experienced with relationships. I am bound in my relationship just as much as people who are married…just because I wouldn’t have to deal with the paperwork of a divorce doesn’t make it any easier to leave my relationship than it would to leave my relationship if we were married.
Post # 9
I got something along the line of yours: “You can’t start a family. You’re not married yet!”
My response: “To us starting our family does not begin when I pop out babies. My fiance’ and I started our family when we decided we wanted to be together forever. When he moved in with me. When he finished college and I finished graduate school. When we started a savings funds toghether. We started our family when we decided to build a foundation. Getting married is part of that foundation. We’ve already started our family.”
Post # 10
I get that from some people as well. We have shared a home together for about 2.5years and have a 3month old baby together and a dog, but still that isn’t serious enough for the people who think that marriage makes for a more serious and comitted relationship.
Just because we aren’t married it doesn’t mean that one of us will walk away easily when it gets too hard… we aren’t getting married so it makes it harder for us to break up and therefore more comitted, we are getting married because neither of us want to walk away- even when it is hard.
To us it is just a piece of paper, our relationship or feelings for each other won’t change and we won’t miraculously be more commited because we had a ceremony with legal papers, but we want a wedding to celebrate our lives together.
Post # 12
@baldor1: yay! that was beautiful
Post # 13
Honey I get that all.the.time…. We will be getting married on our seven year anniversary. We will have been living together 3+ years. Our friends have met, gotten married, bought houses, had kids, and some even got divorced! But I always take comments like that in stride. I look at it like, if they feel like they can treat me like that, or speak to me in that tone, then who knows who they treat/talk to their hubbys!!! As for Fiance and I, we have a very healthy relationship, and plan to not go into debt by throwing a wedding, so we are good to go 🙂
Smile, and just make it a point to not make comments like that to others when you tie the knot! Be thankful for what you’ve got!
Post # 14
Oh oh I got my first snide comment over the holidays!!
My fiance’s uncle (over christmas dinner) said – the way to do it is to have the ceremony, but don’t sign the papers, that way you don’t have to pay for a divorce in 25 years. I said- well, you get tax breaks when your married, right? so maybe it would still be worth it, maybe we should do the math. lol
Post # 15
I dunno, I can kind of see her point, although it’s kind of a crappy thing to say to someone. Being married is a bigger commitment than cohabitation. It just is. You are legally bound to the other person through marriage in ways you are not through cohabitation. If you truly think it doesn’t change the “seriousness” of your relationship at all, then why bother getting married? What’s the point?
I’m getting married in three months. Do I believe my relationship is going to get more serious in three months? Hell yeah, I do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be getting married. Do I think my relationship is less serious right now than my friends’ that are legally married to their partners? Yes, I do. And three months from now, it’ll be just as serious. I am going to legally tie myself to this man for the rest of my life, unless I chose to go through the court system to seperate. It’s a more serious relationship by it’s very nature. That’s kind of the whole point of getting married.
Now do I think my relationship is somehow not as good as my married friends’? Of course not. That’s a whole different ball o wax, though.