I don’t usually share this, because it’s tough for people to understand, and I’m worried about being judged myself. I’m not telling you what to do, but maybe reading my experience will be helpful. In advance, sorry if my wording or whatnot offends anyone—I’m not sugarcoating.
I had an abortion a few years ago and I had really similar feelings that you’re having, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. As soon as I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, my immediate gut reaction was “oh no, I have to get rid of this thing.” I called my boyfriend at the time to tell him the news, and before I even mentioned abortion or anything, he dumped me on the spot. He was great (*eye roll*).
After calling my gyno and begging her to tell me it was a false positive, I accepted it was real and went to Planned Parenthood. They were extremely supportive, non-judgmental, and generally awesome, so you’ll be in good hands.
Onto my weird, mixed-up feelings: I had always wanted to have a kid, so a part of me did want to keep it. But the reality is that it would grow up without a dad, and even though I had a job, I was living with my mom and barely making ends meet. I wasn’t remotely in the place I wanted to be when I had a baby. It was tough, though. I remember being sad about not getting to know the baby, never holding it, all of those emotional, hormonal thoughts. My best friend was fantastic throughout all this, because when I had trouble sorting out my feelings, she was willing to be my sounding board. She never pushed me in a direction, but would sometimes gently remind me how sure I was of the abortion at first—and that I should trust my gut. If you have anyone you can similarly vent to, even a therapist, I highly encourage you.
On the actual day of the procedure, I knew in my gut that I wanted to follow through, but I did feel a good amount of sadness/grief while I waited. I was holding it together okay until I went to the bathroom. As soon as the door closed and I was alone, I burst into tears. Since I knew I wanted to have the abortion and was just working through feelings, I cried as quietly and efficiently as I could. On the other hand, as soon as the procedure was over, the most fantastic sense of relief I’ve ever felt came over me. If I weren’t so doped up from pain meds, I might have jumped up and cheered. I felt like I was free again for the first time in two months.
Even if you want it, having an abortion can be really emotional and even sad, and that’s totally okay. I’ve never told anyone this, but I actually still have a picture of the sonogram, because I still count it as my first pregnancy. The timing wasn’t right, but I know that I’ll have chance to give a child a good life one day. Good luck with everything and know that all of your feelings are totally valid—you don’t have to be an emotionless robot for abortion to be the right choice, if that’s what you want deep down.