Got myself into a lie.. and still contemplating abortion/parenting

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 31
875 posts
Busy bee

It really sounds like you’re overwhelmed. It sounds like having another baby would push you over the breaking point. You wake up and yell at your kids. Then you send them outside so you can watch TV in quiet. Then you get lonely because the kids are “always away.” (No they’re not, they’re just running around unsupervised). So then you want a baby to keep you company. And then does the cycle continue when that baby gets older and doesn’t just snuggle all the time? You’ll send it outside and you’ll want another new baby then?

$5,000 is not a lot of money, especially when you say you usually go through that in a year and your fiancé is on the verge of being laid off. And given your past situation with men fathering your children, you should really try to avoid repeating history. You say you’ve never parented without government assistance. Welfare is meant to be a temporary solution, not something you rely on all the time. You can’t afford another child; don’t make the rest of us pay to raise him/her. 

You got a lot of good advice in the last thread. Go to Planned Parenthood for more sound advice and people who can actually help you take concrete steps toward fixing this mess you’re in. 

Post # 33
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Is the procedure planned for Friday, if it is and I was in your position I would cancel. You seem to be really torn about it and honestly I don’t think you should be rushed into such a huge decision. As far as your boss and the lie I would put it out of my mind. If you do decide to keep the baby I’d wait a couple weeks well till you possibly couldn’t hide it and then announce. For all she’d know it could be a whole new pregnancy. If she does ask, I’d just say things worked out miracously in the end and leave it at that.

Good luck, and again don’t sweat the boss situation, this is your family’s concern alone and she shouldn’t factor one bit in this.

Post # 34
4538 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You don’t have to tell your boss about why you need the day off other than ”medical emergency’. They have no right to ask any questions, or fish for details. None. 

Can’t say anything about whether or not you should abort but wish you the best.

Post # 35
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

ummm, lol maybe I’m way off base here, but I defs wouldn’t factor “what will I tell my boss if I decide to ____?” into my decisions on whether of not to keep/terminte & possibly raise a human being 😛 That’s so silly, who cares? Tell her you got a 2nd opinion & everything’s fine, OR say nothing & terminate the pregnancy w/in the legal timeframe. Worst comes to worse, you can get aanother job, but really it’s none of her business, & if you don’t wanna talk about your body stuff with your employer, you certainly 100% don’t have to. Even if I’m going to the dentist I just say “Can I come in late/longer lunch tmrw? I have an appointment.” Done.

Post # 36
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t usually share this, because it’s tough for people to understand, and I’m worried about being judged myself. I’m not telling you what to do, but maybe reading my experience will be helpful. In advance, sorry if my wording or whatnot offends anyone—I’m not sugarcoating.

I had an abortion a few years ago and I had really similar feelings that you’re having, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. As soon as I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, my immediate gut reaction was “oh no, I have to get rid of this thing.” I called my boyfriend at the time to tell him the news, and before I even mentioned abortion or anything, he dumped me on the spot. He was great (*eye roll*). 

After calling my gyno and begging her to tell me it was a false positive, I accepted it was real and went to Planned Parenthood. They were extremely supportive, non-judgmental, and generally awesome, so you’ll be in good hands. 

Onto my weird, mixed-up feelings: I had always wanted to have a kid, so a part of me did want to keep it. But the reality is that it would grow up without a dad, and even though I had a job, I was living with my mom and barely making ends meet. I wasn’t remotely in the place I wanted to be when I had a baby. It was tough, though. I remember being sad about not getting to know the baby, never holding it, all of those emotional, hormonal thoughts. My best friend was fantastic throughout all this, because when I had trouble sorting out my feelings, she was willing to be my sounding board. She never pushed me in a direction, but would sometimes gently remind me how sure I was of the abortion at first—and that I should trust my gut. If you have anyone you can similarly vent to, even a therapist, I highly encourage you. 

On the actual day of the procedure, I knew in my gut that I wanted to follow through, but I did feel a good amount of sadness/grief while I waited. I was holding it together okay until I went to the bathroom. As soon as the door closed and I was alone, I burst into tears. Since I knew I wanted to have the abortion and was just working through feelings, I cried as quietly and efficiently as I could. On the other hand, as soon as the procedure was over, the most fantastic sense of relief I’ve ever felt came over me. If I weren’t so doped up from pain meds, I might have jumped up and cheered. I felt like I was free again for the first time in two months.

Even if you want it, having an abortion can be really emotional and even sad, and that’s totally okay. I’ve never told anyone this, but I actually still have a picture of the sonogram, because I still count it as my first pregnancy. The timing wasn’t right, but I know that I’ll have chance to give a child a good life one day. Good luck with everything and know that all of your feelings are totally valid—you don’t have to be an emotionless robot for abortion to be the right choice, if that’s what you want deep down. 

Post # 37
2202 posts
Buzzing bee

bretagne422 :  wow…what a tough story to share. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it. I truly hope it benefits OP. 

Post # 38
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

bretagne422 :  

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ It will help op as well as anyone else who might be lurking on the thread faced with such a difficult decision

Post # 40
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

OP, I don’t think you’re being selfish at all—not even a little bit. The kids you have now, who have hopes and dreams and who are loved by so many people, deserve a mom who’s happy. You’re just starting to get happy with yourself and your life, and that contentment is going to enable you to be a spectacular mom to them. There’s nothing selfish about that. Also frankly, money issues tend to create relationship problems, so I wouldn’t risk that with your fiancé. It’s not worth it and not fair to your children. They deserve stability as much as you do.

I’m glad I shared my story. Everything I read online too made it sound like if you’re even a little sad over it, that you’ll regret it. As I found out for myself, that isn’t remotely true. I did have a period of time where I “mourned,” but it’s been five years, and I’ve never felt regret. That said, don’t be too alarmed if you randomly cry sometimes afterwards—hormones will do that! My mom had an abortion as well back in the day and she told me she cried every time she got drunk for a few months. All of that is perfectly normal, so please don’t take that as a sign you made a mistake. 

I also think it’s perfectly fine to wait to have a baby at a better time. That’s exactly the reason I chose to have my abortion. I’d always wanted to be a mom, but I knew that working a dead-end job while living with my mom wasn’t the right timing. Five years later, I’m married to a great guy, have a career where I’m making double what I used to, and now I’m ready to have a kid I can spoil the crap out of. 

Good luck, OP. I totally agree with keeping the appointment and wish you the best. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to. 

Post # 41
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

azf0019 :   Sansa85 :  Thanks guys. I was hesitant to share in OP’s earlier post, but realized I needed to when it was clear that she’s feeling what I was. I actually wish more stories were out there so women would know they aren’t alone/crazy. 

Post # 42
351 posts
Helper bee

Pregnancy crisis centers aren’t something to be avoided.  They’ll spell out options for you and give you more information on options than PP will.  I speak from experience.  PP has a vested interest in you having an abortion – $$$$ – and they won’t get it if you don’t go through with it.  

Abortion is a permanent “solution” to pregnancy.  I have many women in my life who have had them and each and every one regrets it.  I also have several friends who decided to keep the baby or went the adoption route and every single one is happy with her decision.  Putting a child up for adoption isn’t the easiest thing to do but it’s much easier than living with the torment of post-abortion issues.

I came within minutes of aborting my son.  First pregnancy, all sorts of pressure from my fiance who SWORE up and down that he would never ask me to have an abortion.  I was living hundreds of miles from my friends and family.  I had no one to turn to for support at all.  He tried hard to convince me it would be “for the best” and ended up making an appointment for me without my knowledge.  The morning of the appointment he told me we were going somewhere that was a surprise.  Yeah.  Big surprise.  I was numb, but so alone I went inside anyway.  During the exam I was shaking so hard the doctor kept yelling at me that I needed to cooperate or we’d be there all day.  Before the actual procedure I had to meet with an adminstrator to sign the consent that I was doing this of my own free will and I finally found the strength to refuse.  I asked about adoption as an alternative.  She told me they didn’t offer that service, had no information to give me, and that Google might come up with something.  They were not interested in helping me at all.  They only wanted my money. 

Long story short, I kept my baby.  It was hard at times, of course, it always is no matter your circumstances!, but I was never sorry about my decision to keep him.  He had some serious health issues for a time but we got through it.  He’s grown into an amazing young man and I thank God every day for giving me the strength to do what was right for my baby.

Please don’t make a decision you can’t take back.  Give this little one the chance he or she deserves.

Post # 43
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

DogsAndWine :  ALL OF THIS. 

OP you have a combined total of 35k together and yet you plan to use government assistance again in order to keep this baby? Wow. On top of already getting free healthcare too. I don’t know how to believe what you’re saying at all. Your other post you were saying you couldn’t afford to have to buy a new car and you’d need a bigger house and such and now you guys have about 35k together. It seems like you are stalling until it gets to the point that you can say you’re no longer able to so it’s not your fault that you have to keep it. 

Post # 44
11868 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

bretagne422 :  what amazing bravery bee. So sweet of you to share this with OP. 

Post # 45
1 posts
  • Wedding: May 2018

I also had an abortion… it’s not something I talk about often, because of the judgement that often comes with it. I am however completely ok with my decision. It was the best and only realistic solution for me at the time.

I’m originally from Canada, but live in an Asian country on a working visa. I was 25 and nowhere near financially ready for a child. When I took the test, I only felt a sense of dread. I felt my life was over… I had no family around to help. Maternity leave here is short and unpaid. It’s also extremely hard to get daycare and employers are quick to dismiss pregnant women and new mothers. I was barely making enough money every month to live somewhat comfortably. I had no savings. How could I raise a baby?! My boyfriend at the time told me he didn’t want it and would not stay around or help if I kept it. If I wanted to keep this child, I would have had to quit my job, pack my things and go back to Canada… then try to get a job while pregnant. Also, it meant no access to free healthcare for three months. What if something had happened? A sudden medical emergency? 

I knew terminating was the best option. I wanted children, but I also wanted to give them a good quality of life. I knew I could not do that yet. So I made the appointment. I won’t lie, I was terrified and upset. I felt so guilty. I was worried I would never be able to conceive again. I thought the procedure would hurt badly. In my case, it was painless and  over quickly. Despite all my fears, the only thing I felt after was relief. Not guilt. 

To this day, I do not regret my decision at all. I’m now married and pregnant with my first. I’m really excited about this baby. We planned for it and we’re ready. I know we can provide for this child. Does this mean I forgot about the baby I terminated? No. I think about it sometimes, but never with regret.

To those who said most women regret having one, please read this article. 95% of women do NOT regret their decision!


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