So, something very few people know, but I too have had an abortion. I know I made the right choice, although I still get sad about it four years later. Random things will trigger me sometimes, and I’ll start feeling really sad about it all.
I think something that a lot of people think, is that you will either 100% be relieved and not regret or 100% regret it and be horribly depressed for the rest of your life. Maybe there are some people who fall on extreme ends of the spectrum, but I believe most people are like myself, falling somewhere in the middle. Even when I go through my random sad moments, I know that I made the right choice. It is okay to feel upset about something, even if you know it was the right decision. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it is wrong.
I was 22, the age that I imagined I would have actually had kids back when I was in high school. I was living with my boyfriend of 6 years at the time, and while we weren’t married, we planned to get married. It seemed like the perfect scenario to have a family. It should have been a happy time.
Except, we were living in a very HCOL city. We were living in a tiny 200 sq foot apartment in a bad area of town with 2 cats, and were living paycheck to paycheck (eating spaghetti, ramen, and pbj’s). I was working a minimum wage job, and we were living in a different state from our family. I was still saving up money to go back to community college to get an education. There was no way we could have afforded to have a baby, and give them a good quality of life, when we could barely take care of ourselves. Neither of us had ever wanted kids before either. Not too mention, my morning sickness had been so severe that I had been missing work, and we couldn’t afford me to miss work for weeks or months on end. We had been using bc, but it failed.
When I took the pregnancy test, I was not really even thinking I was pregnant. I had been horribly ill, vomiting and nauseas constantly for a couple weeks, and thought I was seriously ill as I couldn’t eat and had no energy. My boyfriend went and got one from the store, and my heart dropped when I saw it was positive. I started sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, and was in shock.
We talked over our options. We ruled out adoption, as I couldn’t give my child up and not know if they were safe, well-cared for, or have emotional and psychological problems from being up for adoption. We both grew up fairly poor, with parents who could barely afford food for the table, and didn’t want that life for our child. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but we made the decision to get an abortion (he left it up to me, saying ultimately he would support me no matter what).
Despite what other people think, I personally believe i made the most selfless choice I could in that situation.
What I struggle with is the fact that before I was pregnant, I had never wanted kids. I love working with kids, but never had wanted a child of my own. After the pregnancy though, I strangly now want kids. I think it is because of the hormones, they mess with your body and mind. I also worry that we will never be at the point where will be able to afford to have a kid, or that we will regret not having kids. I worry it was our only one chance to have a kid, even though that isn’t logical.
If we had already had kids, but didn’t want anymore, then I don’t think I would struggle with it psychologically as I do now.
I still don’t regret my choice though. It was the best choice we could have made at the time.
My advice to you is to make the choice that you believe is right for you and your family.
I wouldn’t even think anymore about your boss and what you said. You are going through a lot right now, and it was terrible of them to pry. You do not owe them an explanation in my opinion. If you terminate, you can just say you have a minor surgery scheduled and need blank days off, and leave it at that. If you do not terminate, then you can just say there was an error if you want. Do not let that worry you right now, you have enough on your plate.
(Speaking of nosy coworkers. I told my boss I had a minor stomach surgery and would need a few days off to recover. When I got back, I had found out not only did all my coworkers know, they were speculating what the surgery was, and someone basically had the gall to ask me if I had an abortion. Moral of story, be as vague as possible.)
Also, if you do terminate, the hormones are crazy. At least, they were for me. I would try to take at least a couple days off work following it to emotionally recover. Right after my procedure (I chose surgical, knocked out completely) I regreted it so much, even though logically I knew I made the right choice, just because of the hormones still in your system. Passboards is a nonjudgemental forum for women who have terminated pregnancies.
No matter what, do not let anyone talk you into something you do not want to do. I know this is hard time for you. Be gentle on yourself.
Side note. It is really easy to judge others and say oh I wouldn’t do that in their situation and quote adoption statistics. When you are actually in that situation though, it is a whole other story.