Got myself into a lie.. and still contemplating abortion/parenting

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 46
6309 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

monalisa87 :  Thank you for posting a link to actual information.

Most women do NOT regret their decision to terminate. It is condescending to assume they do, or to think those women have not thought long and hard about what they want. On the whole, they KNOW what they want and what they don’t, and they CHOOSE the right thing for themselves. To assume they don’t know their own minds and their own situations is so paternalistic as to be offensive. 

Post # 47
3746 posts
Sugar bee

Now I’m kind of getting the vibe that you want to keep the baby. I may be wrong, but you sound conflicted as hell now. Never mind being a liar, you can always say t they brought in a specialist who determined the baby was by healthy. 

I’ve known women who regret their decision to abort and women that don’t. I wish I could be more helpful but this is such a personal decision.

Post # 48
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

bretagne422 :  You are so brave for sharing this – glad you made the right decision, even though it was such a tough one to make.

WallNut :  I have many women in my life who have had them and each and every one regrets it. Putting a child up for adoption isn’t the easiest thing to do but it’s much easier than living with the torment of post-abortion issues.

I know you are trying to help but these statements are a bit irresponsible. Some women may regret terminating a pregnancy, however for some, it is the best decision for them. I would argue that carrying a baby to term, delivering and parting with that child would be a devastating experience. There would still be torment about giving up the baby, but on top of that there would be the physical and emotional strain of pregnancy and childbirth. Pregnancy can be a hard experience for some women and it changes our bodies permanently. There is also the financial hit of medical costs and taking time off work. It is not as simple as ‘just have the baby and give it up for adoption’ to avoid some perceived potential guilt.

OP, good luck with your decision. do what is right for you and your family, either way.

Post # 49
9 posts
  • Wedding: July 2019

So, something very few people know, but I too have had an abortion. I know I made the right choice, although I still get sad about it four years later. Random things will trigger me sometimes, and I’ll start feeling really sad about it all. 

I think something that a lot of people think, is that you will either 100% be relieved and not regret or 100% regret it and be horribly depressed for the rest of your life. Maybe there are some people who fall on extreme ends of the spectrum, but I believe most people are like myself, falling somewhere in the middle. Even when I go through my random sad moments, I know that I made the right choice. It is okay to feel upset about something, even if you know it was the right decision. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it is wrong. 

I was 22, the age that I imagined I would have actually had kids back when I was in high school. I was living with my boyfriend of 6 years at the time, and while we weren’t married, we planned to get married. It seemed like the perfect scenario to have a family. It should have been a happy time.

Except, we were living in a very HCOL city. We were living in a tiny 200 sq foot apartment in a bad area of town with 2 cats, and were living paycheck to paycheck (eating spaghetti, ramen, and pbj’s). I was working a minimum wage job, and we were living in a different state from our family. I was still saving up money to go back to community college to get an education. There was no way we could have afforded to have a baby, and give them a good quality of life, when we could barely take care of ourselves. Neither of us had ever wanted kids before either. Not too mention, my morning sickness had been so severe that I had been missing work, and we couldn’t afford me to miss work for weeks or months on end. We had been using bc, but it failed.

When I took the pregnancy test, I was not really even thinking I was pregnant. I had been horribly ill, vomiting and nauseas constantly for a couple weeks, and thought I was seriously ill as I couldn’t eat and had no energy. My boyfriend went and got one from the store, and my heart dropped when I saw it was positive. I started sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, and was in shock. 

We talked over our options. We ruled out adoption, as I couldn’t give my child up and not know if they were safe, well-cared for, or have emotional and psychological problems from being up for adoption. We both grew up fairly poor, with parents who could barely afford food for the table, and didn’t want that life for our child. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but we made the decision to get an abortion (he left it up to me, saying ultimately he would support me no matter what).

Despite what other people think, I personally believe i made the most selfless choice I could in that situation. 

What I struggle with is the fact that before I was pregnant, I had never wanted kids. I love working with kids, but never had wanted a child of my own. After the pregnancy though, I strangly now want kids. I think it is because of the hormones, they mess with your body and mind. I also worry that we will never be at the point where will be able to afford to have a kid, or that we will regret not having kids. I worry it was our only one chance to have a kid, even though that isn’t logical. 

If we had already had kids, but didn’t want anymore, then I don’t think I would struggle with it psychologically as I do now. 

I still don’t regret my choice though. It was the best choice we could have made at the time. 

My advice to you is to make the choice that you believe is right for you and your family. 

I wouldn’t even think anymore about your boss and what you said. You are going through a lot right now, and it was terrible of them to pry. You do not owe them an explanation in my opinion. If you terminate, you can just say you have a minor surgery scheduled and need blank days off, and leave it at that. If you do not terminate, then you can just say there was an error if you want. Do not let that worry you right now, you have enough on your plate. 

(Speaking of nosy coworkers. I told my boss I had a minor stomach surgery and would need a few days off to recover. When I got back, I had found out not only did all my coworkers know, they were speculating what the surgery was, and someone basically had the gall to ask me if I had an abortion. Moral of story, be as vague as possible.)

Also, if you do terminate, the hormones are crazy. At least, they were for me. I would try to take at least a couple days off work following it to emotionally recover. Right after my procedure (I chose surgical, knocked out completely) I regreted it so much, even though logically I knew I made the right choice, just because of the hormones still in your system. Passboards is a nonjudgemental forum for women who have terminated pregnancies. 

No matter what, do not let anyone talk you into something you do not want to do. I know this is hard time for you. Be gentle on yourself. 

Side note. It is really easy to judge others and say oh I wouldn’t do that in their situation and quote adoption statistics. When you are actually in that situation though, it is a whole other story. 

Post # 52
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

sparklesnshines :  I haven’t commented in this thread or your other thread, but I wanted to say I hope you are doing well and that your PP appointment was able to help you with gaining some clarity. I know someone else said that they are not a good resource because they encourage abortion because it makes money, this is not true, they can help you with lots of services related to pregnancy, including prenatal care and they can help with adoptions too. They may also be able to help refer you to other pregnancy and parenting support programs, including councelling. 

It may not mean much, but whatever you decide I will support your decision and I know many of the other Bees will as well. You are brave and strong and will make the decision that is best for YOUR family, whatever that may be. 

Post # 53
96 posts
Worker bee

I don’t know if you followed through with your appointment and I’m not sure I can offer you the best advice (I’m currently in the process of miscarrying my second pregnancy this year, coincidently an ectopic) but the only I think worth saying is; It’s healthier and “better” to regret a termination than resent a living breathing child so if there’s any risk of that happening I would terminate. 

Post # 54
11868 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Getting messsges about some misinformation in this thread.

No, Planned Parenthood does not push abortion and no, they don’t make all of their money off of abortions and no that’s not most of their procedures. It is 3% of their procedures. 

Planned Parenthood’s Services

Planned Parenthood is a non profit and gets much of its funding (or got) from the government. Government funding CAN NOT be used to pay for abortions.

pregnancy “crisis centers” are often anti-abortion centers that actually operate much as PP has accused PP of operating – with an agenda to keep a woman from having an abortion. 

This is a thread to support the OP in whatever she decides – not an opportunity to push an agenda. 

Post # 55
1480 posts
Bumble bee

BalletParker :  When I went to Planned Parenthood in 1995 when I thought I was pregnant and all I wanted was a test, they didn’t bring up any options OTHER than abortion.  Turned out I was late because of finals.  It taught my soon to be husband and I a hard lesson about birth control.  You can say what you want off of their website, but I know what the Bryan PP did.

Post # 56
11868 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

bywater : 

A. I’m not saying it; it’s a fact check. 

B.  A lot of things have changed since 1995. It’s 2018. 

C. Anecdotal stories do not have the same weight as a fact-check based on actual statistics. 

D. This is not an opinion, but rather a fact. You are free to feel about PP any way you choose. 


Post # 58
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

sparklesnshines :  

Bee, I’m so happy you came back to update us. Don’t feel bad about any emotions you are going through right now. Just let the emotions come and try not to analyze.

You guys aren’t fighting right now because the stessor is gone. I’m sure you will start fighting again as more stressors appear, I hope  that’s not the case though.

You did what was right for your family.

Along with the antidepressants, maybe consider therapy as well, you just went through a lot, it will be helpful to sort through everything

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