Post # 1
Member
15 posts
Newbee
I posted about 8 months ago about my situation that I have been struggling to heal from. You can read the post if you want by clicking on my name. Long story short, was with a guy I trusted completely for 4.5 yrs, he went out one night and told me how a girl was hitting on him, we buy a house, he starts acting weird 2 weeks after buying it, pulls the whole “I don’t feel butterflies with you anymore” and breaks up with me after leading me on for two weeks. I accidentally find out on Facebook that he’s now in a relationship with bar girl. This chick does crazy things, I’m devastated, they get engaged a yr to the day we broke up, married sep this year and yesterday my cousin told me they are having a baby this month.
Now I have REALLY tried to protect myself from finding out anything. I don’t have Facebook, instagram or any social media. I even had to delete an old twitter account I got when I was like 19 because two months before the wedding his fiancé tried to “follow” me on there. She even used his last name even though they weren’t married yet and had there engagement photos plastered all over it. I instantly informed him and told him to get her to stop harassing me as I had not done anything. I had not even spoken to him in almost 9 months.
I went out for drinks with my cousin who dropped this baby bomb on me, because he thought I knew and for whatever reason has my ex still on Facebook. I asked him to delete him as I had asked all my family too and to not inform me of anything.
I really want to move past the anger in hurt, I have done well for myself, almost graduating from ultrasound school, still have the house we bough, made so many new friends, seeing a counsellor to deal with the anger and hurt but this just set me off. How does one cheat and treat someone so horrible, get engaged, married and have a baby all under 3 yrs!? I am really struggling to see I dodged a bullet, I feel like he’s changed and will be faithful because marriage is more concrete then common law or whatever we had. I guess I’m just hurt that he basically overlapped me, and while I was devastated and dieing inside, he replaced me with his “soulmate” . That somehow I was just a placeholder till he met her at the bar and cheated on me, and that all the pain and hurt he caused me was worth it because she turned out to be “the one” .
Someone please tell me this feeling will pass? I thought I had worked through it all, but I’m still so hurt he seemed to just truck along while he left a path of destruction all behind him. I’m sorry for the long post. I’m tired of thinking about it and I’m sure my friends don’t want to hear about it because they think I should hate him which I can’t seem to. I needed this board to basically vomit out my emotions and I am actively working on my self esteem issues and other issues that have plagued me since this breakup. Thanks bees!
Post # 2
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
I’m so sorry for what you went through. Bad relationships can feel like they go on forever, even when they’re over. I think you have every right to feel hurt and upset.
My situation is a little different, but I can understand where you’re coming from. I was engaged to my bf of 7 years. A month before the wedding, he came clean that he’d had sex with a coworker and was leaving me to be with her. Regardless of starting my life over, the worst was the updates: when he changed his relationship status to dating her, posting pictures of the two of them on Facebook, waiting for the inevitable proposal and engagement, etc.
So I did exactly what you did with ridding him from social media and trying to put as much distance between us as humanly possible. It definitely helped, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Therapy was great, but I think what helped me the most was trying to create a life that was entirely different than the life I would’ve lived with him. I started traveling more, got into new hobbies, even saved up money and got a puppy that he NEVER would’ve let me get.
I know you’re hurting. Try to remember that he’s a total jerk and, as lame as it is to hear, you’re so much better off without him. And to avoid feeling like this again, literally tell every friend and family member to get rid of him on social media and not mention him anymore. Let people know that you’d appreciate them shutting the hell up. You can get through this just like you’ve gotten through the rest of it ❤️
Post # 3
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
Bee you are going to be so happy someday when your find your person. I’m so sorry this happened to you. What he did to you was shitty but he freed you to meet the one. He didn’t marry you being too cowardly to admit his feelings.
As a fellow bee who was cheated on and left for someone else (but I was married), take all the time you need to heal. I advocate for counseling. It helps! I’m so happy now and you will be too.
Post # 4
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
Well you weren’t the right woman for him… that’s sad and feel your pain but he didn’t leave you for a one night stand or a fling but for the woman who was right for him…. and if he met the right person things can go fast! Believe me! When I met the right person things went so fast I still am in awe when I take a moment to look at things.
Something similar happend to me about 12 years ago after a 5.5 year relationship. And they are still together as far as I know. Good for them. Then it was the right choice for him.
And there’s someone out there for you! It took me almost 35 years to find my soulmate. And I wouldn’t want it any other way!
what I personally don’t get is how some people manage to change horses in full gallop. I personally believe one needs a break but who am I to judge…
Post # 5
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
Your cousin should know better than telling you that. People really don’t think sometimes. Karma’s a b***h, focus on yourself and your happiness. Leave him in the dust. You’re most important now! Stay strong. Everything happens for a reason.
Post # 6
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
its ok to be sad and feel pain, these things take time.
time will heal all and one day you will go back to thinking less and less of him. although i am married and have moved on from my ex, there is still some days it haunts me in my dreams. i remember all the bullshit he put me through and i remembered everything and all the time it took to overcome the pain.
take the effort to fall in love with yourself. remeber to love and pamper yourself.
Post # 7
Member
3183 posts
Sugar bee
He will eventually cheat on her. Be glad you dodged a bullet.
Post # 8
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
I read your previous post. It’s hard when people treat us badly and then seem to go on and live a happy life. But this guy sounded like trouble to me. He doesn’t believe relationships should take work and there should just be a “spark”? I wouldn’t want to start a life, much less a family, with someone who had those unrealistic expectations.
Like PPs said, these things take time to heal. Don’t focus on it, but don’t feel like a failure because the shitty thing he did still hurts. He’s someone else’s problem now.
Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee
I really appreciate the responses and you have no idea how much OT helps right now. It’s hard for me to just think “oh well, I wasn’t for him and he wasn’t for me and she was the one for him” as a previous poster said. Especially because of how she behaved after and the events that transpired. His whole statement about the “spark” was more then likely cheater speak for “I met someone else and I’m going to tell you this so that it justifies what I’m doing” .
I know it’s unrealistic to think he’s changed because she’s “the one” , but that is a possibility. I just can’t imagine starting a relationship that way because of my character and morals
Post # 10
Hostess
1521 posts
Bumble bee
Shmacaaa : you’re strong bee, you will get through this. I know this sort of information really hurts about an ex and it’s difficult but you have such strong moral character I know you’ll be fine.
Post # 11
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Shmacaaa :
Well, isn’t his new gf just one lucky lady? She snagged herself a cheater. Mazel tov.
Post # 12
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
Shmacaaa : I had a really similar situation, right down to people occasionally dropping unwanted updates on me (they felt I *should * know). I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but by cutting off reminders of him and cutting off contact, you are doing the right things to get to a happier place. A real turning point for me was when I realized that I wasn’t really sad because I missed him anymore, I was angry and embarrassed that this had happened to me, and that he had found someone so much “better.” I can still work up that anger if I really think about it, but eventually I just moved on with my life and had nothing to sustain those feelings. A couple years after all this went down, he felt the need to tell me he was having a baby with his wife he left me for (and got engaged to after a year), and all I felt was annoyed that he thought he had any right to intrude on my much happier life. You will get there, it just takes time, especially since you were together so long. The best thing I did besides cutting off contact was cutting off the “ruminating” – whenever he came to mind, I consciously forced myself to think of something else. Eventually it worked.
Post # 13
Member
15 posts
Newbee
Hey bees thanks again for being so supportive and understanding . I still am somewhat struggling with this news, mainly because I am in my clinical for ultrasound and have this innate fear that they will come in and I’ll see her name on the working for an OB ultrasound. Also everyone I scan a pregnant lady I think about her and him and it makes me wish he was still part of my life. I miss his family and what we had, maybe it’s rose colored glasses because I am still single and live in the house we bought. I just want to be over it already, it’s coming up on three years, how was it so easy for him, you would think I would hate him which would make things easier to get over.
Post # 14
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
Why was she harassing you? That is so fucked up. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Be kind to yourself. It’s ok to be angry. Time will help you heal.
Post # 15
Member
15 posts
Newbee
To this day I have no idea why she tried to add me. Maybe she found out he tried to call me after I found out they were engaged?!? I will never know. For all I know that was her as well. When I texted him and asked him if he knew she was doing that, and to ask him to tell her to stop, he responded first by saying he didn’t and was sorry, it would stop. Then two min later I get another texting saying “plz do not message me about my faince again, I can’t see her doing that, she is far from psychotic, she has a brilliant mind!”
Everyone laughed and said that was forsure her. In my message I told him that was psychotic behaviour because she went out of her way to find me, I have her blocked on everything and had forgotten about that twitter account until she tried to add me and I got the notification. If it wasn’t her that was responding, then he is totally manipulated…those are just words I can’t seem him ever saying (especially the “brilliant mind” part) but I obviously don’t know him anymore.
What would possess someone to rub it in an exes face two months before there wedding when I have done nothing, but get cheated on and financially screwed over, is beyond me.
Member