Got some unwanted news…

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Shmacaaa :  I had a very similar situation happen to me. I was cheated on with a guy I was MADLY in love with and instead of it being a one night stand type deal, they ended up getting married after I was cast aside. It was hands down the most painful thing I have ever been through. I would cry so hard EVERY DAY that I freaking dehydrated myself. I couldn’t eat, all I wanted to do was sleep. I quit my job…I was so far down the bottom. And all the while, when you’re going through this you think “where the f-k is this guys karma?” because you feel so hurt. It took a long time for me to recover, I will be honest with you about that. I was so self-destructive for a long time, numbing myself with everything I could get my hands on. Finally, after well over a year of bottoming out further and further I realized I had to take responsibility for my life. I couldn’t keep waiting for karma to kick him in the ass. I had to give MYSELF a kick in the ass and reclaim my happiness back. I left my home state, made new friends, worked out, went blonde….basically everything that I wanted to do. And you know what? I started to have fun. I went on dates, I had flings. And then after a while you know what happened? I met the love of my life. So freaking cliche, but the path that led me to him all started on a decision to reclaim my life back. I’ve been where you are and you don’t have to tell me how much it hurts, because girl I knowwww. Recently, I ran into my ex at a bar. Still married. Wife was there, too. And you know what?? Despite that exact scenario being something out of a nightmare, I took a good look at both. And I imagined if he hadn’t have dumped me and I was in her shoes, all the experiences I would have missed out on. Not to mention, meeting someone who I couldn’t imagine loving more than I do. When I saw them together, I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel hurt. I was happy for them. That’s how I knew that God, the universe or whatever you believe brought me out the other side. And I came out the winner. You will too, I promise. 

Post # 17
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

Shmacaaa :  I’m so sorry this happened to you. Breakups suck…i’ve been there myself also. But, you are going to be so happy someday when you find the right person for you – Be super kind to yourself & it’s okay to be angry. Time will help you heal bee! 

Post # 18
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

The feeling will pass. Stay strong and keep busy.

You may feel longings from time to time but those will pass and be replaced with happiness in whichever path life takes you

Post # 19
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

The thing about sparks is that they DO fizzle out eventually, and hopefully by then you’ve built the foundation for true, sturdy love. But if all you focus on is the importance of that spark…well…that’s why we see this passionate, whirlwind relationships fade out.

I can’t say if this will happen to your ex or not, but it sounds like it based on his past words. So don’t be envious of that. I’m not saying you should wish ill on them, but it’s just nothing to envy.

This is still relatively new. My ex (and only other serious relationship) broke up with me just shy of 3 years together, and I would say it took a solid year and a half to get over him and be able to look back at us with happy memories. Give time, time. You’re doing all the right things by cutting him off, and finding out about him again was like cutting open a healing wound. A minor set-back, but you at least know you can start to feel better again. And then down the line you’ll meet someone and think, “Oh my god, what was I so hung up on THAT ONE for?!” And you’ll be so grateful that he did what he did to you, because now you’re with your true person.

Hugs, bee! <3

Post # 20
Member
10569 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Shmacaaa :  

Block and delete are your friends.  Use them. Block the fiancée as well.  Burn every bridge that leads back to the ex.  Leave absolutely no remnants of any ties.  Certainly, block his number.  I never trust these kinds of guys not to resurface one day.

And Bee.  Your very first post about this guy was to ask us if a relationship that starts with a betrayal can work out.  That’s not the kind of question you should find yourself asking.

He was already pretty cavalier about his commitments.

Then came the issue of his addiction to weed, of which you do not approve.

This saga has not exactly been much of a romance.  Your first few months together are a honeymoon.  This time frame is the smoothest your lives together will ever be.

But, the core issue here is not your ex or the pregnant fiancée.  The issue is your continued obsessing.  You were obsessing over this guy months ago, and you’re still obsessing.

You wanted to pull every aspect of the relationship apart and examine it.  You think you’ll find some magic code that will cue you in on what went wrong because you still want to fix it.

Want to know what went wrong, Bee?  You tangoed with an asshole.  It’s no more complex than that.  Your ex is not an honorable person.  Luckily, you found out before you married him.

Whether or not he is faithful to his future wife is no concern of yours. Nothing he does is your concern.  You have to let go.

The fiancée can’t bother you if you block her.

How is therapy going in terms of your obsessiveness?

Post # 22
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Shmacaaa :  I promise you that you dodged a bullet! If he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you – this is honestly one of the truest statements I have ever known.

I’m going to be honest with you, I know one couple whose relationship started with cheating that are still together. Married 10+ years, kids etc. They HATE each other. The week after they got married, he called his ex-wife saying that he messed up and wanted to kill himself. Still now, I have never met a more horrifically unhappy couple.

 

If he is the type of man that cheats or has cheated, he is not the man you want as your husband or as the father of your child. You will find the right person for you, you will find a better person for you.

Post # 23
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

Shmacaaa :  “plz do not message me about my faince again, I can’t see her doing that, she is far from psychotic, she has a brilliant mind!”

Lmao this is too funny; that text is exactly what a psychotic person would say!! Don’t even worry about her, if she was truly happy, she would have neither the time nor the inclination to harass you. I was in a similar situation years ago; the truth finally came out that all their “happy” social media posts was just a facade to hide how miserable and dysfunctional they were.

Post # 24
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

It took me well over 8 months to finally start to stabilize after my ex-fiance dumped me, probaby closer to a little over a year (these things take awhile). I had quit my job, moved across the continent where I had no ties to anyone, signed a lease on a house with him, bought a wedding a dress, nailed down a venue, caterer, taken engagement photos… 3 months after the proposal, he also “no longer felt butterflies.” Had always pictured himself with a blonde, wished I had majored in a different subject in college (I kid you not), which at that time was 8 years into my past! I was devastated. Beyond devastated. Stopped eating, stopped running, cried myself through my morning routine, all the way to work, all the way back from work, and cried myself to sleep. It was fucking exhausting, and I was astounded at how much pain I was in, and how long it lasted.

I also couldn’t stand how it seemed his luck never ran out. It would drive me mad to see that people still stood behind him after he did such a shitty thing for such shitty reasons, and instantly treated me like crap (I had to live in that house another 4 months before getting into my own apartment). He’d routinely make it clear that the thing he’d miss the most about me was my dog. Seriously. And then he went out and bought an IDENTICAL dog to mine. I’d finally been replaced. By a canine. This did not do wonders for my sanity, I assure you.

Although he wasn’t cheating on me, I FELT YOUR PAIN, bee. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think you’ve done all the right things so far: not having social media, not fishing for information/updates about him, etc. Just keep it up. Keep enjoying your successes in your career and the new friendships you’ve built. PEACE WILL COME. Just hang in there.

Post # 25
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Breakups are HARD! Good for you for doing the work you need to do to process all the emotions that come with this. 

A few key things:
Finding out “why” will not help. I searched for a why from my ex for a while, but his answesr were never good enough for me. Finally one day someone asked me “What answer would he give you that would be sufficient” I couldnt think of one. I was searching for something that doesnt exist. 

Things are not always what they appear. He may have appeard to find his soulmate, but you dont know what goes on in their relationship. Someone in a happy and stable relationship does not go around stirring up dirt with their partners ex.

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