(Closed) Got something shiny for my birthday.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

Have you tried talking to your SO directly about getting engaged and such?

Post # 4
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

To play devil’s advocate here, if it really means something to him to live together before getting engaged I don’t think you should flat out dismiss it on principle. Maybe give it some consideration, or ask him how can you give him a similar insight into how you two would be if you were married?

I personally really think you should live together before getting married, I mean it really is different from dating and sometimes you find out things about the other person that you need to know! For ex with your SO and his ex.

Post # 5
Member
5011 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  I understand that you don’t want to move in with your boyfriend until he proposes, but I know that for a lot of people they don’t want to get engaged before they’ve lived with their partner, so you may end up going around in circles and going nowhere. 

Basically, you need to talk to your SO and, if his friend is right, make a decision which is more important to you: getting engaged or not living with him.

Post # 6
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all, hugs. I’ve been there, and it sucks. But keep your chin up. Is your one hesitation about moving in the control piece you mentioned? If there are other reasons (relgion, etc), then of course you should abide by what you believe is right. However, if it’s that you’re worried it will lead to him thinking he never has to marry you…moving in is not neccessarily a death sentence. The key is to communicate, communicate, communicate.

For example, tell him up front “hey, this is a big step for me, and the only way I see myself moving in with you or anyone is with the intent that we are going to someday marry. Does that line up with where you think our relationship is headed?” The important this is that you don’t assume what it would mean if you moved in versus did not move in. Because maybe to him, you refusing to move in means that you don’t see your relationship as that serious…who knows! This is why you have to talk about it. 

Post # 8
Member
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I find it very strange when people say they won’t move in with their partner without a proposal because then they will have the ‘control’.

Relationships should be balanced and equal, and you should both want the same things. I dom’t live with my OH for financial reasons, but was our financial situation different, I’d have moved in with him in a heartbeat prior to getting engaged. Why? Because I would have known we both wanted marriage, and that a proposal WOULD happen at some point. If I was worried about moving in with him as doing so would give him the ‘control’, and a proposal might never happen, that would ring massive alarm bells for me, because I feel that couples should really be on the same page about major things like marriage and children; not just in general, but also in terms of when they happen.

I think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You can’t force him to propose; he can’t force you to wait indefinitely. But if you feel very differently, you may have a problem.

Edited: I just also want to add that I agree with you on the whole ‘testing the water’ thing. I understand that some couples feel the need to do this; I personally see no point for us in our relationship, as we know each other so well. So I disagree that it’s necessary and if my OH suggested we needed to ‘test’ our relationship by living together first that would concern me personally.

Post # 9
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I always felt similarly to you; I didn’t want to move in with someone without being engaged first.  (Note: I am not a religious person.  This was just my personal philosophy.)  Then I met my now-husband when I was 32.  He respected my views, but he didn’t share them.  He viewed moving in together as another step in our relationship, and on some level I think he thought I was distrusting to put conditions on this step.  We wound up moving in together after we dated for a year, and then we got engaged four months later.

You need to do what’s best for you, but I just figured I would share my perspective in case it’s helpful.

Post # 10
Hostess
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

not moving in completely makes sense! He will have the “married lifestyle” without actually committing.  Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free??  (sorry for calling you a cow, you are NOT a  cow lol!)

Post # 11
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ultimately, relationships shouldn’t be about who has “control”.  Decisions should be made together for the better of the relationship and the people in it.  

If your partner has a history that makes him need to live together first, are you willing to respect that and consider some kind of compromise?  If not, you need to accept that he may not be willing to propose.

It sounds like he really loves you and you really love him…..trust in that and have a heartfelt, no-pressure, open discussion with him about where the two of you see this going and how you each want to get there.

 

Post # 12
Member
5011 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Lily_of_the_valley:  I have always thought that analogy was ludicrous. Women are not livestock, men are not buying us at market and living together does not necessarily delay engagement.

Post # 13
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Lily_of_the_valley:  Living together is not necessarily “the married lifestyle”.  For some people, living together is the best way to really get to know each other, to see the worst aspects of your partner and vice versa, and to begin to learn how to work through the tough aspects.  It’s really easy to love someone when you’re only dating and not fighting about dirty laundry and bills.

And to blanket generalize that men won’t want to get married if they’re already living with their partners is really quite narrow-minded.  Lots of men feel MORE commited once the couple lives together.  Some don’t, it’s true…..but not all and this poor guy isn’t here to defend himself.  He has a history that’s playing a role here, and seemingly wants to live together before making a life-long commitment.  It’s not an unreasonable point-of-view.

Post # 14
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

First of all, I remember getting an awesome DSLR for the birthday that came one month after we went ring shopping and being so confused.  I picked out a setting literally a month before that birthday and I thought the timing was deliberate.  Come to find that my husband didn’t want to propose on a birthday or holiday.  He wanted that day to be its own event, if that makes sense.

 

Where are you on when it comes to talking about marriage? You talked to his friend about moving in, but have you talked to him about that and about getting married?

Post # 15
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m a firm believer in “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free”. I did not move in with my Fiance before we got engaged. We talked about it and even looked at a couple apartments but then I decided against it. I stayed at his place a few nights a week, sometimes even weeks at a time…financially, it was stupid for us NOT to move in together, it would have saved money. BUT, we werent engaged and I wasnt going to play ‘wife’ until he made me his wife. I know many people have their beliefs about it and I have mine.

 

I’m sorry you are diappointed about the necklace. My Fiance got me a necklace for Xmas last year and my aunt said, “Where’s the ring?” when I showed her the necklace.The necklace was the last piece of jewelry he bought me before my ring. lol. Hopefully thats what will happen with you. Just remember, Xmas is around the corner, so is New Years…calm down and give it until the holidays are over, you never know what he has planned.  

Post # 16
Hostess
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@cdncinnamongirl:  I agree with you dating is one thing and living with someone is a WHOLE other thing.  I think is is very wise to live with someone before getting married to see who they TRULY are and work out all the bullcrap.  BUT I can also see how some men will either delay or not think they have to get married because they are already sharing a home together.  I sometimes feel I wish I would have waited a little longer to move in together.  We are getting engaged very very soon (hopefully!) and sometimes I feel like he “got the cow for free”.  We live together and share our account so I feel basically married I can see why people think not much would change so why get married??  I also can see the OP’s point of view about control of the relationship, a way of hanging onto something so he will make the committment  ex “I won’t sleep with you until were engaged.”  I won’t move in with you until were engaged”  I won’t buy a house until were engaged” “I won’t have children until we’re married” etc. etc. etc. 

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