(Closed) Gotta vent–going to counseling TO-freakin’-DAY!!!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

You’re totally not a downer – this is real life!

I’m really glad that you both are willing to talk it out and go to a counselor – it is not a sign of failings but a sign of strength and belief in your marriage.  I hope you will find it really beneficial in helping your communication.  And maybe get a sippy cup for the beer… (joking…)  Wink

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Good luck! I think counseling is a good first step…I’d be pissed off if my FH used that sort of language with me without even a “good morning” first. Hell, I’d be mad if he said something like that, period. I hope your session goes well. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you’re taking the right step in getting counseling ASAP. I’ve read a few of your previous posts, and you guys just aren’t on the same communication wavelength. He needs an outside party to teach him how to communicate better and to see your points better.

And when I say that, I don’t mean that you’re 100% in the clear either. Clearly what he said bothered you and hurt your feelings, but you also have to learn to pick your battles. He knows exactly how to push your buttons, and you get wildly upset and overreact. Neither of you is right, and a counselor will certainly help you both communicate better and not TRY to annoy each other.

I wish you lots of luck today, and please don’t let him cancel because the two of you can’t afford it. Divorce is much more expensive than working out your marriage through a counselor.

Post # 6
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@nature_girl: He sounds like he works on computers for a living, true?

Post # 8
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@nature_girl: I knew it…takes one to know one I guess. 🙂

That said, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but don’t take it personally?

When I used to come home after a long day of fixing other peoples computer problems, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I had to fix more at home. Starting the day fixing a computer problem that could have been resolved the night before probably isn’t the best either.

I guess, put yourself in his shoes. Think of the most annoying thing you have to do at work and then think of having to start your day at home, your supposed place of respite, doing that annoying thing. 

Would you be in the best of moods?

I’m not going to say you don’t need to go to counseling because I can’t say that for anyone. I will say that marriages and people aren’t always sunshine and light and sometimes, he’s going to be in a bad mood. Sometimes you are. Its just the ebb and flow of things.

(Side note: He was probably laying in bed for that hour going “SERIOUSLY?! WTF?” and letting whatever other anger he was feeling pass. The flagrantly negligent comment seems…very reserved for what I know to be the normal reaction to someone spilling liquid into a piece of computer hardware. Good thing it wasn’t a laptop.)

Post # 9
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

I think it would be interesting to watch his communication patterns with others in his life to see if this kind of things pops up often.  Also, watch how people of significance in his life (parents, close friends, sibs) talk to him.

Generally speaking, domineering and dismissive communication patterns have been modeled by someone to catch on in one’s own life.  It might help you get to the root of this to understand where this is coming from with him.

I hate to also be Debbie Downer, but these patterns can escalate quickly to more frequency or even to acting out of violence.  One of the biggest predictors of being treated badly in a relationship is the lack of empathy on the part of one’s partner.  He is not empathizing with you here.  Watch for other ways this happens with him. Be aware.

 

Good luck

Post # 10
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Wait, why’d you marry this guy again??? TOTALLY KIDDING!!! Just trying to make you smile Laughing

You guys will be fine, just need to work on a few things. The fact that he is even readily agreeing to counseling (seems like the cost is the only issue for him) is a big deal. A lot of guys would think the idea itself is just ridiculous. Maybe you blew this a little out of proportion but that’s only because you have a lot built up and you want to fix it so bad that it’s frustrating. Have you guys read the Five Love Languages books? If not, they could be helpful.

Post # 11
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Side note: the books would be helpful in addtion to the counseling, not suggesting they would solve all your problems!

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honey this is just reality. Some people don’t get on the same page communication wise right off the bat and somebody has to guide them to it.

THis is just another example that you need a counselor. Write down how you feel–be able to give specific examples to the counselor. Why what he said bothers you, etc. Otherwise you’ll just generalize in the meeting.

It’ll be ok, but the counseling is needed, you know it (that’s half the battle), and you can work on it together. They’ll give you suggestions for how to deal with the snippy comments back and forth and how to keep from going ballistic on each other in a matter of seconds. It happens, but you’ll learn to catch yourselves and remedy the situation before you get to the point you’re crying!! Good luck!

 

Post # 13
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@ejoyb: I have to agree with you. I think he was reacting not as a husband, but as a computer person who was roused out of his sleep to fix an issue that he could have fixed before he lay down the night before.

 

@nature_girl: The fact that the first thing out of his mouth was the keyboard tells me that he probably spent that hour laying in bed to try and calm himself down enough to even attempt to say anything to you about it. As a person in the IT industry “flagrantly negligent” is pretty mild description. We are SERIOUS about our equipment. Having said that, I think the couseling is a good idea. It’s never a bad idea to work on communicating effectively and I wish you both luck.

Post # 14
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

good luck!!!!!!!!!  I wish you the best!

Post # 15
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with ejoyb. The fact that he works on computers is pretty relevant here. Maybe your communication styles clashed (and maybe they do other times, too, about non-computer stuff), but part of the reason you’re so hurt is that he talked to you like a client, not like a wife.

So I think when you go to counseling, acknowledge the fact that you KNOW that’s not he would usually talk to you, but also acknowledge that it wasn’t the only thing wrong with the situation.

Post # 16
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I know it’s been mentioned a lot elsewhere, but the book “The Five Love Languages” might be helpful. I’ve found that FH and I argue less about stupid things when we both feel appreciated – I guess it’s harder to push someone’s buttons when they’re not in a button-pushing mood?

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