Post # 1
Just wondering if anyone else that is having trouble ttc has gotten to this point of answering honestly to the typical ‘soooo when are you having kids?’ or when are you having another?’ common questions that people love to ask?
For a long time my husband and I have defaulted to saying vague things like ‘ohh we’ll see…’ or ‘maybe one day’ then it turned into ‘yes we hope so…’ still vague. Now after a year and 4 losses of trying I’m just like F- it, and I’ve started to answer those questions honestly. ‘yes we’d love to but unfortunatley we’ve been having trouble.’ ‘yes, we’ve been trying a while but it hasn’t happened yet.’ ‘yes we do but we haven’t had any luck yet.’ and then I hear all about how they knew someone else who took a long time or how we should just ‘enjoy the process’ – (only ever said by people who have had NO trouble)….
But it feels good to be honest and ditch all this vague business. Even in just casual chit chat. I won’t offer it up but if you’re gonna ask I’m going to be honest at the risk of making things uncomfortable. Anyone else tired of keeping it quiet?
Post # 2
Im not in your situation, and I make it a rule to never ask someone, but I think your approach is so refreshing. It is no ones business but your own, however people talking about issues with TTC, infertility, and MC brings it out to the open where you can really see just how many people are in the same boat. I never talked about my MC, but I have so much respect for people who do. These are very common issues and it helps to know youre not alone.
Post # 3
Yes, totally agreed. We have gone the vague route and kept IVF a secret from our friends and families. Now are opening up about it since our loss in September.
Post # 4
We opened up on Facebook about our TTC struggles around the 18 months mark. If people had asked me before that, I said that we didn’t know if we could ever have kids and that usually shut them up really fast. Once we told everyone that we were struggling more, no one really asks and instead they just say they’re thinking of us. We were told it was refreshing to see people be honest about it and still have hope that eventually, somehow we’d have kids. I hated doing it at first, but I know that we’ve recruited a lot more cheerleaders who are all going to be over the moon when we do announce.
Post # 5
Yup! Me too! I am open with almost everyone about it. I find it so much easier than answering those types of questions constantly. I get far fewer questions now and when there are questions it seems to be genuine care about how we are doing. Definitely not ashamed if everyone knows about it.
Post # 6
Sunshine09 : Yes!
We basically took the same approach as you. At the beginning it was “we’ll see…” and then to “we’re hoping so!” (which people don’t clue into at all it seems). My husband even tried “if we’re lucky enough” for a while.
Now we’re pretty up front about it. I used to always worry about making people uncomfortable, but then I realized how inappropriate it is that people ask this question, so now I figure that if you’re going to be rude enough to ask me when I’m planning to have children, I don’t need to worry about your feelings when my answer makes you uncomfortable. And it does make people uncomfortable which is why they always move to “oh well my friend’s sister’s cousin had a really hard time so they decided to adopt and then they got pregnant naturally! So don’t lose hope!”
As annoying as those anecdotal stories can be, I’m feeling more empowered by speaking truthfully about our experience.
Post # 7
Not TTC yet, but just wanted to say that I would find your honesty refreshing. I think by keeping it vague and hush-hush, it plays into the (ill-conceived) perception that having kids is an easily controlled choice. This perception just further reinforces the unfounded feelings of guilt, or self-blame, that woman feel when they struggle to get pregnant.
I try to be conscious of my wording when discussing babies with people. Sticking to word choices like “want” or “hope for” or “planning” rather than “when”. It’s not a topic that I broach casually though, usually only with close friends, as I would hate to unwittingly make someone uncomfortable. The only times I use language like “when” is if I’m talking to a friend who I know has gotten pregnant easily in the past. E.g. my cousin got pregnant with her first two the first month of trying, so with her I was asking “when” as her mentality at that point was that baby #3 would come along basically when they decided they were ready for another (and she very much did in the end :D)
Post # 8
Sunshine09 : Yep, I recently did this. Posted something on FB about infertility and loss to STOP THE QUESTIONS. I was getting so incredibly tired of it. Needless to say it worked. My mom recently told me a friend of the family recently asked her “when they were going to become grandparents?” and apparently another friend of ours who is friends on facebook went up to her an explained what I had posted on facebook and this women came back and profusly apologized to my mom. People just don’t think and now most people who know us are very sympathic about what they say.
Here’s what I put:
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I am not even married yet, and I’ve never had kids. But I am not an idiot so I don’t ask people things like this. It baffles me how people still think it’s okay to ask or pry! Unless you are close enough with the person that you know the couple is trying, it’s not okay.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s frustrating and I would completely understand if you start being blunt.
Hoping for your little bundle of joy soon
Post # 10
happy2bee : Wow – this is awesome. I’m not confident enough yet to make it social media official, but I contemplated more than even this October about possibly posting something like this. I find addressing it in conversation when it comes up is easier. In all honesty it’s STILL incredibly hard to shake the “shame” of infertility and loss.
Post # 11
Darling Husband and I are a very private about this still, but mostly because I don’t want to deal with trite reassurances or cautious questions about how it’s going. I’m just not equipped for that right now. When we told DH’s parents recently, his mom cried and asked if she could hug us – it was sweet that she cared, but I was already crying just from talking about it and didn’t really appreciate having to comfort someone else.
We finally told both sets of parents a few months ago (our options are starting to run out, so we wanted to tell them), and we’ve told a handful of close friends.
I stuggle with this because I don’t want to contribute to any stigma around infertility, but I also don’t want to share this part of my life with people I’m not really close to. We’re also not the type to share any sort of TTC info, even if had gone well, so that makes it difficult to open up now.
I’m happy for those of you who have the strength to do this, though! I am so afraid I would burst into tears if I mention it. Maybe once we’ve reached a resolution (trying to decide if we’ll go for IVF right now), then I’ll be able to follow in your footsteps.
Post # 12
Sunshine09 : I gave up on keeping quiet (except to co-workers), and for the persistent family/friends I also gave up on being polite. I now tell them the truth bluntly; we’ve been trying for two years without luck but we are hopeful about our fertility treatments and that if we want them to know more we will offer that information so stop asking. And for the people who tell me to just “relax” and it will happen….well….they get an earful of expletives and a thorough explanation as to why that is the most insensitive thing they can possible say to a couple with diagnosed infertility and that it’s not actually medically accurate for many diagnoses. For example one of our issues is retrograde ejaculation. My stress and anxiety literally has NOTHING to do with the fact that most of my husband’s sperm backdrafts into his bladder when he ejaculates.
Post # 13
I would never push someone to do anything that makes them uncomfortable (especially about something so personal ), but after a year of trying, I started telling the truth, and I was so pleasantly surprised by the support and love we were shown. You always hear the stats, but I was blown away by how many people I was close to who went through it and kept it quiet. Even as a mom, my three closest mom friends all struggled too…for me, knowing we weren’t alone, and seeing all those successes helped so much.
Also, when we finally DID get pregnant, I think people were ever so slightly happier for us (and told us as much ), because they knew what it meant for us.
Post # 14
LilliV : God, people are so stupid. Like, I have spent thousands, seen Drs, been poked and prodded, taken all these drugs..but it never occurred to me to relax!
Post # 15
I think being willing to be honest about personal experiences is usually what truly starts making a difference in the world. People learn more from personal stories than memes. Like you could share a great infographic but it’s when someone says “this is my story, too” that makes an impact.
(But not everyone is willing to be that vulnerable. And that’s okay, too.)
and personally yes-I was pretty honest with people who asked that I’d been told I couldn’t and shouldn’t have kids “because of a heart issue”. It always seemed easier than being vague or misleading. And now that I’m better and allowed to try, I don’t mind if people ask but most people don’t because they already knew I thought we weren’t going to. So just being open was a good decision and made it easier for us…