(Closed) Grab a cuppa …. Its a longgg one.. Would really appreciate some insight!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
39 posts
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hi MummyB,

Wow, what a lot that you are going through! You mentioned that you had told him that you did not want to have any more children before getting married and now you are having one (congratulations!). I would rethink my decision to stay with him if I were you. It sounds a bit like he is stringing you along, willing to make babies with you, but not willing to commit to being by your side forever.

Do you want to be left alone with five children in the future because he decided he can’t commit? It sounds like you have already discussed a lot of these issues with him and he just laughs them off. Well, IMO this is not a laughing matter. He needs to commit to you or maybe you’re better off without him.

Good luck to you. I know this is not an easy situation to be in. And welcome to the Bee!

Post # 4
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

To be fair, it kind of sounds like you’re giving him mixed messages. You laughed him off when he mentioned ring sizes and agreed with him when he said “we don’t want people to think its cause of the baby.” men can’t read our minds! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

You might want to try having a serious honest discussion with him about your desire to be engaged right now and see how he responds. But I don’t think he doesn’t want to marry you. It sounds like maybe he was feeling you out and you shut him down by walking away from the jewelry store and so on. 

Post # 5
370 posts
Helper bee

I think alot of men won’t propose until they are ready to actually start planning a wedding. He says you aren’t financially ready and you seem to agree with this am I right? I would focus on the beautiful baby the 2 of you will be having soon and hopefully get all your financials in order first before thinking of marriage. He sounds like a great guy i’d give it a bit more time ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

If you truly just want to be married, the license will cost less than $50 and the courthouse ceremony fee will be about the same. Getting married isn’t expensive. So since money isn’t the issue, it’s time to find out what his real issue with getting married is. Start a series of no-joking-allowed conversations about your values, goals, and timelines. keep talking until you are both on the same page and happy about it. And don’t make any big changes (like buying a house) until that happens.

Post # 7
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would sit him and down and explain that you’re not waiting for an expensive ring, and that what you really want is the committment. maybe the idea of another ‘big’ thing (baby, house) is overwhelming him so he’s putting it off. if you were to say, i’d like to have a simple ring and a short engagement with a courtyard/backyard wedding with just family it would seem doable to him.

now that you’re having a baby with him, i think ‘waiting’ is a bit ridiculous – if this is important to you, he needs to know that and work on it. maybe you can set aside 100 dollars a week for the baby, 100 dollars a week for engagement/wedding.

i would make it clear to him that this is something that you’re very serious about, and that you think it’s important for both your children that you marry. and so what if people think you ‘did it because of the baby’? you’ll prove them wrong when you stay married. people will always talk, it’s not worth putting something like marriage off so that people don’t gossip.



Post # 8
699 posts
Busy bee

@mummyb:  Congrats on the little one. Sorryyou feel like things have been pushed to the back burner, i think alot of us feel that way lol. But sometimes men have an agenda and try to throw us off, i hope he’s planning a big surprise. I’ve been on the bee for awhile now. I know a proposal isn’t happeneing for at least a year which would bring us to our 4 year mark. plus i’m 34, dont want kids so thats ok. But i would like to try being a wife lol

Post # 9
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

You sound like a wonderful candidate for a courthouse wedding. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to be with you (I’d tell you if it did!) but it does seem like he sees the wedding as some big, huge, expensive thing. Maybe if you eloped or went courthouse route, you could get the commitment you desire while giving him financial peace of mind?

And I agree with PPs, it does sound kind of like you’ve been shooting him down from time to time. I think you may be due for  a serious sit down. Have you really talked to him seriously about it? He may not realize how strongly you feel about it.

Besides, you’re having a kid together. If you both want to be in the kid’s life, I think the kid is a more serious commitment than marriage. Not to be crass, but if you married and decided it was a bad idea later, you could get a divorce. Now that the two of you are having a kid, you’re stuck being in one another’s lives regardless. (I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here–it isn’t that I see you guys splitting up, it’s just that  now  that you have the commitment of a child in the mix, why not go all in?)

Post # 10
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you shouldn’t worry so much what other people think (ie: they are only getting married because of the baby).  So what if the impetus for you getting married is the baby!  I’d have a heart to heart talk with him and find out what he really wants (and tell him what you really want).  It may not be in the order that either of you envisioned, but hopefully will result in an outcome that you both want!

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