Post # 1
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I have to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m living up to my full potential in graduate school, and imposter syndrome is always on the horizon of my moods, if not in the forefront. I’m earning my Ph.D., and technically halfway through my program in the sciences. But I’m living a fairly unconvential life for a fulltime Ph.D. student.
A semester into my program, I started seeing my Fiance. I became an auto-parent to his son. When I started graduate school, I figured I would get into academia and move a few more times before I settled down. That officially changed a year ago when I officially decided I was happy to give up academia for my new life. Nonetheless, I feel like my priorities are constantly evolving through this entire process. I was never the person to imagine my future family, but since it’s my focus now, I can’t help but do that!
Anyhow, between being a Ph.D. student, TA, needing to do my research in the lab, finishing up my last classes, being an involved step-parent, a homemaker, trying to get in and stay in shape/be healthier, and just trying to squeeze any ounce of me-time in there, I really feel so subpar. It’s not going to change. I’m not looking for advice… I just need to vent, if anything. The vast majority of graduate students in my department don’t understand, and it’s frustrating that I don’t have anyone to talk to. They still talk about getting drunk, skipping classes, and any gossip about any other students/faculty in the department. Half the time I’m in my office, I just want to bang my head on my keyboard (but I resort to putting on my headphones and cranking up the music).
Am I not alone in this?
Anyways, back to writing my dissertation proposal….
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This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by SeaOfLove.
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This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by SeaOfLove.
Post # 2
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
Girl, yes. I’m finishing up my degree and I can tell you, the entire first year I felt like I was on the verge of dropping out and selling fruit on the interstate. I work, take extra courses, have clinic/externship placements, and I take everything very seriously.
It does get better over time, though. It helps to even take a few minutes for yourself every day (even if you have to schedule it in). You’ll be okay, and it will be worth it in the end.
Post # 3
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
I understand where you’re coming from. I’m in a humanities masters program, and essentially everyone enrolled but me is doing this in preparation for a PhD program – whereas I’m doing it because I wanted to, and will return to high school teaching after graduation (not considered “academia” by peers).
My classmates also talk a lot about drinking (I swear some of them go out and drink on a daily basis), and I’m kind of out of that loop – plus, I’m the only one in my cohort who doesn’t live downtown within easy walking distance of campus. I live out in the suburbs with Fiance – and once I’m home, I’m home – not returning to the city for drinks or whatever, or even working in the library, so I miss out on some of those things.
If I did every single thing for every single class or meeting, I would 100% be drowning and probably quit for my own sanity. I know it’s frowned upon by some people, but I try to limit myself to the work and research and reading I can reasonably accomplish while still living my non-academic life. I try to tackle the things most relevant to my career goals and interests first – and if that means I don’t get to the 50 page article on how to prepare for a PhD interview (because it’s not relevant to me), eh. I can’t let myself feel inadequate because of it.
Hang in there!
Post # 4
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
futuremrsc2be: I just hate that I’m feeling this way halfway through! I mean, my first part of my program was a bit slow (my advisor wasn’t there my first year… I caught up on classes. Second year we didn’t have our lab set up, and now we’re working on really getting our lab operational and I’m almost done with my third year!). I think I just know everything has to be at a higher speed, especially when I can get in the lab fulltime (our machine the starts all the methods has been broken for 3 months). All stressful >_< at least the broken equipment is giving me more time on my proposal.
Post # 5
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
futuremrsc2be: Moorea12: You guys are awesome 🙂 Thank you!
Post # 6
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Moorea12: I’m in the same position. I used to be so gung-ho about community in the department, but now that my research is kicking into gear, I don’t want anything to do outside of what I have to do at school. It’s tunnel vision from here on out.
I also live a commute away, while everyone else lives in the city limits. They actually don’t even invite me to parties anymore. They did invite me to a wine night tonight, which I appreciated, but we have my stepson on Wednesday nights. One of the girls asked, “Every Wednesday?” Yes, that’s how our blended family works… and then I described to them my Wednesday evenings and my integral part in it, because no one can understand how my Fiance can’t “just watch him for a night.” They make me feel like I’m 30, but I came in as the youngest in the department. Idk. It’s a strange feeling. I try to fit in the best I can without committing too much to anything but my own career/life goals.
Post # 7
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
SeaOfLove: “They make me feel like I’m 30, but I came in as the youngest in the department.”
We live the same life! I’m the youngest in my cohort. I’m almost 23, so some of them are just a little older, but some are 26 and 27 if not older… but I’m the lame one because I don’t want to go to pint night every Wednesday because I have really busy Thursdays!
Also, this is my first year of two and I’ve already dropped off from the organizations I wanted to be a part of. We have a graduate association that I was super pumped for, and I don’t go to meetings anymore – they’re always in the evenings and I can’t sit around on campus all day waiting for them (especially since I work a lot better at home). The other organization I briefly joined has their meetings Thursday nights in the back room at a bar… and I teach early Friday morning. No thanks. It sucks being invited to less stuff, but it also sucks trying to explain why you can’t come to stuff and knowing that they don’t get it and think you’re just making excuses.
Post # 8
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
I was in a similar position a few years ago.. I was in a PhD program (biochem).. engaged.. planning a wedding.. I have a daughter. And…something broke in me.. or was fixed. Im not quite sure. I quit the program when I decided that its not what I wanted to be doing anymore.. ended my relationship with my Fiance and started traveling the world. Took up photography. Started spending time with my kid and my friends and actually living a life. ( I had a high paying job throughout grad school so money wasnt an issue.. and they were actually paying me to go to school) .. But it wasnt where I wanted to be.. so I felt like I was drowning ALL THE TIME. But mostly it was because I knew in my heart it wasnt where I wanted to be. However, I can relate to going into the lab and wanting to kill everyone else in there lol
Post # 9
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
If it makes you feel any better, regarding your unconventional grad school life and the not fitting in,….I have a good friend who is an attorney. When she was in law school, I met her because we both hung out with the local music scene. Her steady SO was in the coolest local band – he and his friends still were into the getting drunk phase. She was nothing like her law school classmates but she was also not a big drinker or partier either. I always marveled that she was a law student because she was so into music, had a social life, and wore vintage and doc martins. Talk about unconventional. Today she is a music entertainment attorney, and a part time ballet teacher/choreographer who managed on to hang on to her identity while succeeding in professional school.
From your posts, you seem hip, into your studies and family oriented. Just keep being you and keep studying while your colleagues are out getting drunk. I hear grad school is difficult but this stress will too pass!
Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
Dental school is like getting kicked in the ass day after day after day after day.
It’ll be worth it in the end.
Post # 11
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
MrsNeutrino: I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning particularly the past 8 months, but I’ve felt so
stuck in my situation with our lab not being done… overall, not being able to make progress on my “ticket out of here.” I’m feeling better about my progress as I’m putting together my proposal, because I’m finally mapping out my thesis into one coherent thought, but I haven’t even been able to finish training in the lab! I’m just preparing for lab work all summer… and hopefully significantly more lab work next year. I have thought about dropping out, I even brought it up to my therapist… but I think it’s because of the rut I was in for so long.
littlechickie: Thank you so much! You are too sweet 🙂 And I love the story. I really want to teach climate change and/or organize curriculum in some way. I also love research. It would be ideal to find a job that let’s me do everything, but alas, my options are a bit narrow since location isn’t too flexible. I’ll find a way!
glitz91: Thank you 🙂
Moorea12: I was our graduate student representative my second year. I did a great job! But in the end, I’m so glad I don’t have that position anymore. Our department is going through a lot of changes, so I was always busy. I was never less organized than I was the year I was the rep. Seriously… I would completely forget meetings. I just took on way too much. Luckily, all of those meetings with during the day. But, for the same reason as you, the evening meetings, I refused to represent our department in the Graduate Student Organization in our school. Bleh.
Post # 12
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
SeaOfLove: oh god.. you are definately taking me back to a time in my life I hoped to never revisit lol. Thinking about it gives me this tighness right in the center of my chest. I guess the question I want to ask you is the same thing I was forced to ask myself over and over.. Are you happy? Is this making you more happy? Do you think you will be happy?
Post # 13
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
MrsNeutrino: I am happy. Much happier than I was even a couple months ago. When someone gets me talking about my thesis, I get ecstatic. I think my biggest problem was being stuck in limbo for so long, mostly due to my advisor/PI. This past month, I’ve been cranking through my proposal, really trying to get a grip on my research, and I do get excited about what I could potentially find and how it will benefit climate and organic geochemical research. I do have to admit, I sit through some discussions in classes zoning out and thinking about what I have to do and how I don’t have the mental capacity to participate. However, just yesterday, they related their discussion to a big problem I will be facing in my thesis, and I was actually excited to spontaneously plug my computer into the projector and start talking about all the caveats of the proxy. It was tough. I did struggle finding drive for so long, but I’m taking 2015 to better myself and focus my goals (not just in school, but in general), and the motivation all came back to me. I just hope it stays on track!
In fact, I’m currently buzzing through someone else’s thesis that I’ll have to basically “fix” because the data was so screwy and thinking about how I could do so much better. lol
Post # 14
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
well you def sound excited about your work! thats a great thing! when you are feeling low..just remind yourself its temporary 🙂 i wish you lots of success
Post # 15
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
AND HAPPINESS! — thats most important