Post # 1
My only living grandmother (father’s mother) called this morning and left me a voicemail to tell me that she will not be attending my wedding or any related events. Yes, a voicemail. As some background, my father and I have not spoken for about 6 years. My parents are divorced and he’s always been very bitter about it. He’s not abusive, he’s just not a nice person and after many tumultuous years, I decided that my life was better without him in it.
My grandma is difficult. For years, she has been putting me on a guilt trip about my relationship with my father and about being a single girl. I swear “when are you going to get married?” could be her mantra. Well, now we’re less than 100 days from the wedding and she announces that she wants no part of any of it. Part of me thinks that this is another guilt trip to try to get me to invite my father (I”m not going to). And part of me thinks that he put her up to this.
ETA: In her message she said that she doesn’t feel that she can be part of a celebration that my father isn’t invited to.
What is the right thing to do here? Should I just let it go because she’s always been difficult and this is one less thing to worry about on my wedding day? Do I beg her to attend, like I think she wants? I’m considering sending her a letter telling her how disappointed I am that she has chosen not to be part of our lives and this will cause an irrepairable rift in our relationship. That seems awfully harsh to say to an 87 year old lady, but that’s really how I feel. Any words of advice?
Post # 3
She’s being childish. I understand the pain it causes her and that she wants to defend her son, but your relationship with her should not be contingent on your relationship with your father.
Perhaps you should explain in a letter that your relationship with your father is the result of his actions not yours.
Did she give any reason as to why she won’t attend? and do you really want her there if this is how she wants to act?
Post # 4
I would totally ignore it, but that is just the type of person I am. I wouldn’t even let her know it bothered me! Keep her wondering, yes she’s 87 but really is she acting like it?!?!?!? If she does not want to come, owell! You have enough to worry about already. But if you feel like your night will not be complete without her…call her. I personally would say 2 tears in a bucket…you know the rest!
Post # 5
Post # 6
I would let it go. It sounds like she wants to throw a tantrum to try and get her way and try to have her and your father invited. Ignoring it may hurt but then again, who knows? She may be the one to cave in closer to your wedding date and go. Go ahead and send her the invite (and only her). If she doesn’t RSVP or anything, dont worry about it. You got enough stress on your shoulders planning a wedding than dealing with any unecessary drama. Its sad but true that some 80 something yr old adults can act like 2 yr old children too.
Post # 7
“I’m sorry to hear you will not be attending my wedding; you will be missed.”
And leave it at that. She’s 87 and can make this choice if she wants; you’re a woman getting married and shouldn’t have to beg anyone to attend.
Sorry you’re going through this; my gramma is very difficult as well so I understand.
Post # 8
I would send her a letter or give her a call back saying
“Im really sorry to hear that, let me know if you change your mind. Love you regardless”
and leave it at that.
She’s being ridiculous, but you also don’t want it to end up that the last conversation you two ever had was a fight. She’s in the wrong, but you can take the high road, and will probably be glad you did when she is gone.
Post # 9
I would write that letter. I would let her know that it would be sad and would surely be a large wedge in any relationship with her after the wedding. If you will also be encouraging to still participate I would ask her to let you know by a certine date. That way if she still doesnt want to you wont have to worry about it forever, you will know one way or the other.
If she still didn’t want to have any involvement, I would cut my ties. If she can’t support you for you then she isn’t worth it (grandmother or not). I feel like on your wedding day you should have the people around you that love you and only wish the best for you. All others don’t need to be there.
Post # 10
@KristenGotMarried: I totally agree with this route.
Post # 11
Oh wow. I would ignore it and let her hold her grudge. She is only hurting herself, as she sounds like a major pain to deal with. Sorry to talk about your g-ma in those terms, but honestly, that is what she is acting like.
I would say to let it go. If you try to get her to attend, it’ll just cause more drama and stress for you. I am sure she is just wanting you to engage with her so she can lay on a huge guilt trip. You do not need that stress or emotional trouble. In fact, I would just write a carefully worded letter, saying that you’re sorry she can’t come. Don’t put in the stuff about the rift, because that’ll just make her angry and try to guilt trip you again. Just say that you’ll miss her on your wedding day and leave it at that. You don’t want to get into any tiresome fighting, and she sounds like exactly the kind of lady who wants to make you fight with her so she can get attention and lay a massive guilt trip on you. Don’t let her!
Post # 12
Actually I would just let it go period. I can see that she probably feels it would be a slap in the face to her son to attend without him. She’s 87 I would understand her loyalty and just tell her you understand. If I’m wrong and she is trying to blackmail you into inviting him, telling her you understand her situation will annoy her to no end. Win win !
Post # 13
I would say that you are disappointed she won’t be attending and how much you would love to see her but you understand her reasons for it and leave it at that. Nothing negative or how you’re very disappointed in her. you don’t want a permanent rift with her, and also – This might seem like a terrible thing to say, but she’s not young anymore. Imagine if you sent the letter then she passed away the next day (god forbid). Thats my (slightly strange) logic anyway
Post # 14
I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I’ve decided to write the letter. I have a draft and it says that I’m sorry to hear the she’s not attending and that I had hoped she would focus on the joy of the occaision and creating some happy experiences and memories. I also said that I hope she can let go of the guilt trips so that we could see each other more often.
Yes, she’s an old lady. No, I don’t want to pick a fight. But, I don’t think that age is a good excuse to be a bully and I think she should know that I won’t allow it. If she’s determined to be unhappy, she doesn’t have to come.
Post # 15
I would do whatever you think will make you the happiest. If that means writing her a letter and either sending/not sending it, then do it! If you just want to ignore her, do that too. Just do whatever you have to to process the crap she’s dealing out. Don’t even worry about her reaction or what she’ll think–it’s not really that important. If she’s so inconsiderate that she can’t put herself second on the most important day of her granddaughter’s life, then she doesn’t deserve any special treatment.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My grandma stormed out of my rehearsal dinner, so I definitely feel your pain :(. I just ignored it, and it worked out well for me, but do what you need to!
Post # 16
I have a very similar relationship with my Grandmother (on my father’s side) but the rift is between him and her (and not us). For a long time, it was easier to not have much to do with her, but when my Grandfather passed, we decided to give her a chance and be there for her. Well…long story short, she pulled her usual antics and she’s once again not on speaking terms with the family. I tried writing her a letter, but it didn’t make me feel any better. All I did was think about, “did she get it” “did she read it” “will she answer it” – it stressed me out even more. The writing of it is cathartic, but the sending of it just frazzled me. This was like, six years ago now and we still don’t speak – it makes me sad that I am not close with her but there isn’t anything I can do about it.