Post # 1
I never write posts like this, but I feel like I just need to get it all off my chest. My grandma has been in the hospital for the past 2 months recovering from heart surgery. She’s had many set backs, but we all were so confident that she would come out of it okay, like she always has. She was the strongest, most motivated person I’ve ever met, and no one could even imagine that she wouldn’t make it.
She was very clear that she wanted to be talking and feeling better before I saw her, so I respected her wishes. Through her complications, I didn’t go to see her because she wouldn’t have wanted to me to see her looking so weak and sick. Two months later, I finally decided that, regardless of what she says, I want to see her and spend time with her. My bridal shower was this past weekend and I was planning to go down today to see her. I found out the morning of my bridal shower, 6 days before I was supposed to see her, that she passed away.
I’m absolutely devastated. How could I have not gone down to see her all this time? I feel like the right thing to do would have been to say “I don’t care what you say Grandma” and just visited anyways. But I never thought she wouldn’t get through this. I feel like the world is so lonely now, and I just want to talk to her one last time. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. There are so many things I would have said to her if I knew it was my last chance. It feels like I’ll never get over this.
To those of you who have gone through a similar experience with a loved one – how do you deal with the guilt and sadness over not getting to say goodbye?
Post # 3
*hugs* I’m so sorry for your loss.
She wanted your memories of her to be when she was vibrant. I’m sure she is smiling down on you and proud that you respected her last wish.
Post # 4
I am so sorry for your loss.
Post # 5
(hugs) I’m so sorry for your loss! Don’t beat yourself up over this either.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry- the death of a grandparent is a huge loss. I still cry sometimes when I think about losing my Grandpa, and that was 10 years ago. From your post it sounds like you had a special relationship with her. There aren’t any easy answers to your question, but I would advise you to focus on your relationship with her as a whole and realize that she surely knew how much you love her. I don’t know what your religious beliefs are, but you could pray about it- maybe ask God to tell her what you would have told her? You may also find it therapeutic to write a letter to her with what you would have said.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry for your loss! It’s obvious from your post that you loved her, and she definitely knew how much you cared. I had a family member who didn’t want people visiting when they were sick, because they didn’t want people to have those memories of them. I’m guessing this is how your grandma felt. I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother either, and it still makes me very sad. My advice would be to talk to her.. go to her grave or even just in your house, and say all the things that you wish you had time to say to her. Just get it off your chest. I believe that people who have passed on can hear us when we talk to them, even though they can’t talk back.
Post # 8
I am so sorry for your loss. You grandma will always be with you, she loved you and wanted you to remember her at her best. She was trying to look out for you, even at the end!
Perhaps you can write her a letter, pour your heart out and tell her everything you are feeling. It will help, I promise. Know that wherever she is, she knew you loved her and was proud of you.
Post # 9
My grandmaw passed away on my birthday this past March. She had been in the hospital sick with shingles but was expected to make a full recovery. However she had been making statements to family saying she was ready to go be with my paw paw(who passed away 2 years ago). I live in AZ and she lives in LA with the rest of my family so I decided to fly to see her in April. I had called her and told her over the phone I was coming. I knew she more than likely wasn’t going to live to be there for my wedding so I wanted to be able to see her one last time. She also suffered from Alzheimer’s so her memory was really started to get bad but luckily she knew it was me on the phone and we even talked about how excited she was for the wedding.
The morning of my birthday I just had a bad feeling all day, I couldn’t enjoy myself for some reason(my Fiance had even commented on this). I had just been worried about her and was thinking about my trip home in a few weeks. That night I got a call from my cousin, I thought he was calling to wish me happy birthday, but no, he was calling to tell me of her passing. I was only 3 weeks away from coming to see her.
I took it pretty badly at first, I still get emotional at times when I think about her and how she will not be there at my wedding. I also get mad at myself for not flying home sooner to see her(even though I was home in December and saw her then).
You just have to not beat yourself up about it. She asked you not to be there and you were respecting her wishes. I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you are feeling. All I can say is that for you to grieve over her death how you need to grieve(no one can tell you how to do that). It helped me when I got home for the funeral, to talk to all my family and hear how she really was doing bad and how much she was missing my grandfather. She was a very devout Catholic and I know that she is with my Paw Paw right now and no longer hurting or forgetful or confused or sad. That was the thing that helped me the most and gave me the most comfort. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I hope you are able to find comfort in either your beliefs or the presence of friends and family in your life.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry for your lose. My grandma passed away before I got a chance to say goodbye as well. I know it’s hard but I promise you will get through it. Always look at the good times that you both spent together and remember that she is watching over you now.
Post # 11
When my grandmother passed away I took it HARD…..
SHe was sick often, in and out of the hospital and we would get a call saying she wasn’t going to make it every 6 months or so…..
That happened one time and she “came back to life”…I told her “no more fake dying” (we had that sarcastic sort of relationship)
the next time she was in the hospital…she died….I cried for a long long time….now I figure that was her last joke on me (not in a bad way….we had taht type of relationship……)
Post # 12
Sending ((((hugs)))) to you!
Post # 13
Oh my goodness girl bigs hugs your way… my grandma just passed away this morning. I’m taking it hard, even though mine was in Portugal and I couldn’t just take off and go see her, I’m saddedn that she is not here no more. We were planning to go see her next year as a married woman and now she’s not there. I’m glad I saw her 2 years ago with Fiance (he had just proposed when we went to see her) and I remember her all giddy and talkative and stuff.
Just know that she is with you, she didn’t want you to see her all sick and weak.
I’m not sure if this will help, but I did this 9 years ago when my daughter passed away (not really the same but if might help). I was so angry and sad at the world and I didn’t get a chance to tell her things I wanted to. What I did, I grabbed a piece of paper, a pen and just wrote what was in my heart. After I was done writing, I actually read it to her out loud (no I’m not crazy for talking to an imaginary person)…. after finishing reading the letter I felt better. I burnt the letter, it kinda gave me closer (not sure if this makes sense or not). Maybe it might help you to do the same or it may not.
Either way, I’m very sorry for your lost and big hugs to you hun.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2012 - Adrianna Hill Grand Ballroom
I’m right there with you, girl. I lost my grandfather today too. I had the luxury of saying goodbye, but I’m not sure that makes it any easier. I feel like I would do just about anything for another minute with him in his healthy, normal state. He was like your grandmother though and didn’t want us to see him in his decilne. I know your grandmother and my grandfather would want to be remembered in their good times. Looking at old photos and watching home movies together always helped me when I am away from home for long periods of time, but I know it will be especially helpful now. You certainly should not feel guilty, but sadness is normal, and good. I am so sorry that you’re going through this!
Post # 15
@samo10677: I understand how you feel. My grandma died just after this past Christmas and I was devastated. Same situation – she was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery. She as actually released to assisted living/rehab and then readmitted.
I sent cards pretty often and my aunt would read them to her, and I called my aunt a few times a week to stay updated, but I decided to put off visiting so as not to put an extra burden on my aunt (she was hosting the relatives that come to visit and was very stressed out, as well as worried about her mom).
She died, and I never got my chance to say goodbye either. I know that my parents told her I was engaged (I hope she understood them). I cried and cried… How I finally got over it is realizing that even though I didn’t say goodbye, I told her I loved her the last time I saw her in person. Honestly, I’d rather have those be my last words to her, anyway.
Post # 16
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I understand exactly how you feel – my aunt was battling cancer, and refused to let us visit towards the end. By the time I had decided that I had to go see her no matter what and made travel arrangements, she died a few days before I left, and I ended up travelling to her funeral instead. Please don’t feel too badly about not seeing her – she wanted you to remember her as she was, not too sick to move or talk.