(Closed) Grandma playing favorites & complaining about the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

This must be super frustrating. Sorry you have to deal with this.

My grandmother does this too, and we’ve found the best practice is just to ignore her. She gets the satisfaction of believing that she’s been heard/people actually care what she has to say, and we just laugh about it amongst ourselves. It’s annoying to listen to, but if you stop taking her seriously, you really take away the power of her words.

Best advice I can give is to ignore it. Easier said than done, I know (and I do agree, it sounds like your cousin made a poor decision that your grandmother is over-defending). But any rebuttle you give her will make her do it more often, seeing as she’s trying to get you to react.

Post # 4
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’d just seat her RIGHT NEXT TO THE DJ lmao.

Post # 5
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think I would calmly explain to her that it made you feel bad that she said rather nasty things about your wedding. Remind her that this is a once in a lifetime event for you and that you want to be surrounded by loving family. Basically just gush about how important the wedding is to you. Calmly….

A bit passive agressive but it’s really the truth, and it doesn’t directly attack her.

Post # 6
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Is the favored cousin, the oldest cousin?

Post # 7
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would sit her far away from you and the “loud music”. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ughhh I would be so annoyed too! Luckily I’m the one who was the favourite when my grandma was alive but I can see how annoying this can be. I know that if she were alive today I would not be the favourite anymore because I’m marrying out of the Catholic religion. Old people just have there ways and ideas and you just need to ignore them.

Post # 9
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Honestly, Grandma is out of line– but there’s not much you can do about it… and she is right on a few points. 

For starters, even if the other constraints weren’t there, a mother will rarely leave a newborn for that long, this is because newborns eat every 2-3 hours (sometimes more frequently) and bottles aren’t always an option for a variety of reasons.  So on this point, she was right… But that’s really about it. 

As for complaints about your wedding, personally, I wont have told her she doesn’t need to come if she’s not comfortable (which I have had to say to someone about my wedding because they didn’t feel BBQ was an “appropriate” meal to serve). But that’s just me, and I have little tolerence for rude and selfish comments from anyone. I wouldn’t bother calling her back though– she’s well aware of her comments and the effects they have, and she obviously doesn’t care.  It sucks, but I wouldn’t let her bait you into investing more time and energy being upset about it.

As for your feelings about your cousin’s life choices, you need to let it go. It’s her life, and she and her husband will make the decisions they want to– it’s not your place to judge them, and you’ll only create grief for yourself if you feed into those emotions. 

I know it’s hard, but I recommend you don’t let her get to you– She knows her comments are hurtful, her son has already tried to talk to her about it– but she’s not interested in changing so it’s not worth giving her the satisfaction of rising to the bait. 

Post # 10
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Seat her far away from you. She clearly knew what she was doing…she wanted to make you shift everything to accomodate 1 person, a person who could not come anyway. 

My grandmother also used to play favorites, it’s incredibly unpleasant. I let it roll off my back because I realized that my NOT caring about her favoritism seemed to annoy her lol. I think she wanted to send a message with her favoritism to my mother (her daughter). But honestly, I have no interest in being around someone who behaves like that.  

It’s possible your grandmother feels the need to favor or ‘protect’ your cousin simply because her life IS less together than yours…however, that doesn’t give her the right to treat you like that. If this is ongoing and something your father already talked to her about, then really it seems like all you can do is control your reaction and decide how much she needs to be part of your life (and your kids–I’m sure she’ll favor cousin’s kids over yours)

Post # 12
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I understand how you feel and it sucks when one family member is blatantly favored over others but I think you just need to brush it off and get over it.

Also, I didn’t think your comment about “never heard of bottles” is called for.  I would never give my newborn baby a bottle just to go to a wedding so you shouldn’t assume your cousin should.  It is her baby and I dont see how a newborn baby would add to your guest list (they don’t count).  Also, as for how your cousin lives her life, it is not your concern.  So what if she gets government assistance.  Does not make her less than you just because you have a job and earn your “own keep”.  Just be thankful you don’t need help to aford your lifestyle and leave it at that.  As for grandma, it’s her that favors the cousin and it’s not the cousin’s fault.  Don’t take it out on the cousin.  You can either talk to grandman about it or get over it.  As for the wedding and the gift, i think your grandma is in the wrong though.

Post # 13
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I constantly have to remind my mother that my grandparets are old.  Their mental filters have degraded, and… they are old.  They can say some really hurtful things and never mean it.  I know my Grandma always means the best, but the things she blurts out sometimes just makes you want to jump across a table!

So… take a moment to calm down.  Call your own mother or sister and rant about it.  Maybe one of them (Does someone else have a good relationship with Grandma?) can call her and say “Hey, you know, she was a little upset by some of the stuff you said.  I know you’re excited about the new baby, but she’s only going to get married once and we’d love for it to be a happy time for everyone.  Maybe you could tone it down a little?”  There’s always the ‘crazy bride took it the wrong way… she’s stressed… just leave her alone…’ too.  ๐Ÿ˜‰

If Grandma is still a big meanie, seat her in a quiet spot, thank her sincerely for coming, and sell her gift on Criagslist.  ๐Ÿ™‚  Deal with the cousin separately.  It’s not her fault Grandma is gaga for her.  Even if it is, you’re both adults.  Call and explain that you know leaving her infant would be hard, and so would travelling with a baby.  Explain you’d totally understand if she couldn’t make it, but you’d love to see her and if she does want to come you’ll be glad to help her find a sitter that can stay close to the reception. 

Post # 15
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@candykiss:  Everyone parents differently.  One of our best friends is still breast-feeding and left her child at home with her mother.  She brought her pump along in the limo when we went to the afterparty (she pumps and dumps when she drinks, don’t worry)! 

Some parents might go to a reception if they know they could have access to their child – like they were in the hotel *right* next door or in a room upstairs.  Some parents are just too attached.  I know people who wouldn’t leave their children with anyone else for a year.  I have to respect their choices. 

If you haven’t actually talked to your cousin you don’t even know what she’s thinking.  They might want to come but not know where/how to find a sitter.  Or they might feel like an infant doesn’t count, of course *their* child won’t cry, and were going to bring him/her.  I agree a party isn’t the place for a baby, but again, some people think they’ll just stick around for dinner, sneak off to the bathroom to feed the baby, watch you cut the cake, then jet.  In their mind, it’s no bother.  And it might not be.  Or the baby might scream all night.  ๐Ÿ™‚

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