Post # 1
For the past few years, I have noticed a whole other side to my grandmother; she picks at her sons while my brothers and I are still in the room and she mutters mean things under her breath if she doesn’t get her way. She hates my mama – even before her and my father divorced – and she likes to make that known. she’s always commenting on how I’ve ‘ruined my body’ with my tattoos and she scares me for reasons I don’t know, so I just take whatever she throws at me – until now.
I’m getting married in Italy in October this year (!!!) and she’s told me that her, my uncle and aunt, as well as my cousins (she lives with them in Australia) will not be attending my wedding. At first she said it’s because she couldn’t afford the trip, but when I offered to pay for them she got quiet, and then told me she didn’t want to be near my mamas side of the family, as well as my stepfathers side of the family. She is the only one who has bad blood in this situation! No one has a problem with her, and no one has been disrespectful to her in any way – I can’t understand why she has this hatred towards my family and I.
I ended up telling her not to come, because I honestly don’t care anymore – and this situation is so ridiculous and her reasonings are so ridiculous and I don’t have time for that in my life. I was calm and respectful to her, but she started yelling at me and telling me that I wasn’t part of the family anymore – then she hung up.
I feel hurt and rejected by her, but it is what it is and I can’t change her mind about this even if I wanted to.
Should I have done any of this differently?
Post # 2
Is your father attending the wedding? If so, have you consulted him on this for his opinion. I would imagine that he would be very hurt that they would not attend only because they dislike your mother- you are his daughter as well. I am sorry if you are upset that she does not come, but it may be for the best as it may eliminate any petty drama on the day of your wedding.
Post # 3
My Fiance and I chose my wedding location so that my grandmother could attend. Destination weddings are a gamble in terms of having people attend, and Italy is a long way from Australia. It sounds to me, from how she’s changing excuses, like she may not want to tell you why she doesn’t want to travel. Expense, distance, the stress of an international trip – there are so many reasons she might not be able/willing to attend and I don’t think it’s fair for you to plan a destination wedding and then get upset she won’t come. that’s the risk of a DW!
Post # 4
My father is going to walk me down the aisle! He’s well aware of how she can be – that’s why he lives nowhere near her – but I can’t help but feel a little scared to ask him because he’s fiercely protective of his kids, and I don’t want to cause any more drama than what just happened between her and I
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2019 - Undecided
You did nothing wrong, lady! I’d say good riddens. Yes, she is family but that is so unacceptable and very, very rude. If she doesn’t want to be there then you just saved tons of money on catering for her. She did you a favour.
Post # 6
I would say do what makes you happy. I know my fiance’s grandmother is going to fuss about everything in our wedding, but I intend to let it roll off my shoulders.
Post # 7
I would speak to my uncle, aunt and cousins personally to see if they will be attending or not. As far as your grandmother goes, it sounds like the wedding would be more joyous without her there.
Post # 8
I understand not wanting to create anymore drama, but what happens when your father asks your aunt and uncle why they are not coming to the wedding. Obviously your grandmother is dictating their “choice,” but I can’t imagine that this is going to stay hidden from your father. It might be better to tell him the situtation now, than wait for him to find out on his own.
Post # 9
Yep, better off with her not there. My family has a grandmother who tries to suck the joy out of every situation where she’s not the center of attention, or when she doesn’t get her own way. She’ll probably take to her grave the grudge she has against us, because we didn’t invite distant/estranged realtives that she wanted to see, to our daughter’s wedding.
Post # 10
I’m not sure what the issue is, besides having to manage your Dad’s expectations? You told your Grandmother you don’t have time for that in your life. That will have consequences; some good and perhaps some bad.
I guess when you have a Destination Wedding particularly it makes it difficult for some people to come no matter the family pollitics. I’d just chalk it up to that and move on with your planning.
Re: telling your Dad…. I don’t think whether you do or not matters as much as how you explain your side of the story. If I was you, no matter how hard it might be, I’d try to be the bigger woman and resist drawing the poor guy into having to choose sides between his daughter and his elderly mother. You mention their relationship is strained already so I don’t see what adding fuel to the fire would achieve.
Post # 11
I don’t think this has anything to do with the fact that this is a Destination Wedding. It seems like your grandmother may have reacted this way no matter the location. If so, I agree that you made the right decision in telling her not to come. It’s sad that it is your grandmother, but just take joy in all the people that were there. It sounds like your dad will be in your corner, so that’s awesome too.
Post # 12
Is it possible that there is something else going on? She could have early dementia or Alzheimer’s that is making her act worse. Or she could just be an old angry woman. I wish you all the best in your planning. Italy sounds lovely!
Post # 13
I think you should stop caring. Her loss. Well, their loss. Who wouldn’t want an excuse to go to a Destination Wedding in Italy??? I mean how much time do they think they are even going to see the other side of the family?
Post # 14
Never ceases to amaze me how supposedly grown adults can act like children sometimes…
Another one agreeing that you’ve done nothing wrong. From your post, it sounds like you don’t like her much anyway, so I doubt you are going to miss her at your wedding. You don’t negotiate with emotional terriorists.
Italy is beautiful, look forward to a lovely wedding!
Post # 15
Thanks for letting me vent! Was feeling really upset about it last night and wasn’t making much sense – I needed to take a step back, and now I’m feeling a whole lot better about my decision! I’ve come to realise that she’ll act like this in any situation – not just the wedding – and I’m making peace with it and letting it go; shit happens! I have to move on from it.