Post # 1
I’m having an emotional weekend so I’m apologizing ahead of time for this whine/vent. I’ve been engaged for a month and am so excited. I’ve been talking to my family and friends about the engagement and of course the big question is when and where (i live about 3 hours from my family). I want a wedding and plan to have one ( just haven’t started any major planning).
When I talk to my grandmother she keeps saying that I don’t need to have a wedding and that I’ll be just as married if i go to the JOP. I was fine the first time she said it but now every time the conversation comes up she keeps saying that. And she also keeps “reminding” me that she doesn’t have a lot of extra money and that she’s on a fixed income, etc etc. Its like she’s hinting that she’s not going to pay anything for the wedding. Which is fine and i prefer that. I’ve never brought up money to her. My Dear Fiance and I are both in our 30s and plan to pay for everything ourselves. It just makes me a little sad that she seems to be “strongly suggesting” to not have a wedding because she thinks I’m going to ask her for money.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@MrsDavistobe: That is really odd… why would she say that? I’d probably just respond with “we weren’t thinking something quiet that casual, but it will definitely be within our means.”
Is she thinking she couldn’t afford to travel the 3 hours if you didn’t hold it near your family?
Grandmas are so confusing… mine hinted over Christmas it’d be nice for us to “expand the family”
Post # 4
If you have a JoP wedding, you still have a wedding.
My husband and I got married via JoP and we’re having a “formal” wedding in June when he can get time off and when we can get out to be with our friends and family. Just food for thought.
Post # 5
Maybe you should tell her that….she may also be worried because you live at a distance, that since she is on a fixed income that you will plan a wedding where you live, and she wont be able to afford to go, not just that she dosent want to pay for anything….I would start off by telling her “grandma, we really want to have a wedding, and WE are paying for everything, we dont want to stress our family, and since you keep bringing up that you are on a strict income, would it be better if we planned something here or closer, that way you wouldnt have to travel, and can still be there for our special day, since it would mean alot to us to have you there…”
it could be a combination of things….try talking to her, and tell her its not about the money from her, and let her know that you are talking to her about these things because you want her included, and her presence and dont want to stress her financially, and let her know that…..like i said she could just be worried that she may not be able to attend the wedding if it is away for whatever reason, and maybe talking to her about it, will help ease some of the suggestions……and just let her know that it is hurting your feelings and making you feel like you said above….
Post # 6
Maybe it is the travel..who knows. She has already told me that if I have something in DC/MD (my family is in southern VA) then she wouldn’t attend but would send a gift. I just hate hearing the “get married by a JOP” and “I dont have much money talk” everytime I or anyone brings up my engagement or getting maried. It just makes me not want to even bring it up around her anymore. Next time I’ll just need to have a talk with her.
Post # 7
Awww it sounds like she really wants to be able to give you something … but is stressing about what your expecting. Maybe just sit down with her, just you two, and tell her you just want her there with bells on and for her to have a good time with the family she helped create. OH and maybe suggest she give you your “something borrowed/blue/old/new” that way she is contributing.
Wait… where does she live? I mean can someone run up there and pick her up?
Post # 8
@MrsDavistobe: I have gotten this from everyone. In one smart-mouthed moment, I said to my uncle (where everyone else could hear): “of course we could get married for $50 at the courthouse and we would absolutely do that if necessary. But it would hurt our families so much if they were not invited and we have the resources to comfortably afford a wedding to include everyone, so we prefer to avoid the hurt feelings”.
Edit: I just read through your reply– could she have what I refer to as “the fear of water”. I know everyone on FI’s side gets nervous anytime they have to cross the bridge south to VA. Having a wedding in Georgetown and a reception in Arlington is stressing them out to no end (my family is from hours away and doesn’t know to be afraid of our traffic and silly traffic patterns). Could it be that she is afraid to drive to DC or Maryland? Could you tell her that you will arange people to pick her up and take her home?
It could also be that DMV weddings are super expensive, as are hotels for guests. She is probably worried about her cost to attend, so if you figure out transportation and offer to gift her a room, it may go a long way.
Post # 9
I like the idea of her providing the something borrowed/something blue.
I honestly don’t think it’s a matter of her not being able to provide moreso than she doesn’t want to. Oh well I just need to have a conversation with her now since I’m just a month into the engagement and before the actual planning,etc is in full force. Or well both go crazy!
Post # 10
@Pollywog – She’s 89 and doesnt drive much so she would be riding. My mom and my 2 uncles are 4 and 5 houses from her so she would have a ride. My sunt also lives in Nothern VA and she’s visited her (with either my bring driving her or my mom). But she has mentioned that she doesn’t like the long distance riding as much and I can understand and appreciate that.