- 3 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
The reason it is a red flag is because they are pushy and won’t let the parents parent their own baby. If the grandparents asked once or twice, fine. Once they get pushy, that crosses a line. Once they don’t hand the baby back when a parent asks, that crosses a line. Somehow, if my parents got this pushy about an object (purse, car, dog ext) everyone would call red flag, but once it is a babbbie we give grandparents so much leeway to act in a way we would never otherwise let adults act. The funny thing is on this is that I have a much more important reason to get possessive of my baby (especially when EBF) than anything else I have ever had.
Count me as another person put off by the “red flag” comments.
mrsvc : Can you just say, “We’re not ready for others to babysit just yet, but you’ll be the first to know when we are!” and leave it at that? Obviously you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but maybe if they knew that you are purposefully waiting until the baby is a little older they’ll lay off. It sounds like they’re just overeager grandparents.
So I just saw the part about your Father-In-Law not handing back the baby when asked. That is NOT ok and something your husband needs to bring up with them sooner rather than later.
So this is exactly my Mother-In-Law. My son is 8 months old and no longer breastfed, so miuch easier to leave. But even from day 1 she was trying too get alone time with him. When he was 4 week old and EBF, she came to visit (lives 2 hrs away) and kept asking if we wanted her to watch the baby while we went out grocery shopping or something (he’s EBF- what do you plan to do when my unpredicatable 4 week old crys to eat?). Or when he would cry she would ask if we wanted her to take him in the other room to rock him (nope- I’d like to soothe my own baby- thanks). And she’s constantly asking us if she can babysit him. Like why in the world do you so badly want alone time with my infant? I just don’t get it….
I usually keep it nice and friendly
‘no thanks- we don’t need to go shopping today’
‘We’re glad you made the drive here, and we want to spend time visiting with you’
‘Thanks so much for the offer- we’ll definitely let you know when we need a sitter’
Come up with a few canned responses- repeat with a smile.
Not normal at all! That would really bother me. It bothers me when my boyfriends mom texts us to come over just so she can hold MY baby. I’m very over protective of my child and personally don’t think it’s right for someone other than the mother or father to hold a new baby for more than a few minutes. His family thinks otherwise and it drives me insane. I made him have a talk with his mom about it. I’m dreading Christmas for this very reason. That being said, they haven’t hounded us to make us leave our child so they can have alone time. That would drive me even more nuts.
I agree with that it is annoying and overbearing, but I would caution you not to cut ties with them. In a few months you might be really grateful for their offers to babysit and will take them up on it.
They seem well intentioned. They probably think you and hubby need some alone time but are way off the mark in their approach. Think of how lucky you are for the grandparents to be so interested in the baby. Many people would give anything to have such a loving family 🙂 all the best.
1- sounds like there are some boundary issues (FIL coming to your property without any mention)
2- Some of the responses on here just seem a little….overboard. I don’t really understand why it’s weird for the grandparents to want to hold the baby or spend time with the baby. I don’t see why everyone thinks its so henious for them to offer to babysit so you can go to the groccery store or out to grab coffee. The baby is a little young for this, but if they wanted to get 10 uninterrupted minutes holding the baby while you take a shower …why is that so creepy? Or 15 minutes so you can run out and get a starbucks, or pick up a pizza.
It sounds like they just want to A) bond with the baby and B) be helpful, so I don’t really see how that lands them automatically in crazy town. I do think not giving the baby back when your husband asks is weird, but maybe if they didn’t feel like they never get to hold the baby, they would be cool with giving the baby back. Saying “hey Mother-In-Law, let me take the baby for a few minutes to nurse, snuggle and diaper change- then I’m happy for you to rock him!” is a lot different than “ok Mother-In-Law, you had 10 min with the baby, hand him over now.”
I have a difficult relationship with my inlaws, so I get part of this, but partly I think some things are being blown out of proportion or overexaggerated.
While I do see boundary issues here, I think a lot of the responses are a little over the top. It sounds like they want to help and are not communicating in the best way, but I don’t see how they are being malicious or anything. Maybe your Mother-In-Law remembers yearning for a break when she had a one month old, and is just trying to help? Its nice to try and use optimism here, especially since it’s your family, and I imagine you’ll be happy to have them babysit someday.
mrsvc : They seem a bit overzealous. However, they will not change, as I’m sure you know.
I think your best bet is to REALLY limit your interactions with them. You’re the parents, and if they won’t play by your rules, then they don’t get to play.
You and your husband need to be on the same page, however. He can’t choose them over you.
That would be a ‘no’ for me! They sound like they are being a little TOO possessive for my taste! I am pregnant with baby #1, and YES Father-In-Law is already talking about having mornings with her while I go about chores and errands and whatnot…but the man LIVES with us so it’s a little different I think. His first grandchild (BIL and SIL’s daughter) lives in the same city. We see them every two-three weeks, but he has been alone with her only maybe a dozen times, and she is almost two. Also, when he DOES babysit he goes to their place and cares for her so she is more comfortable.
I’m very over protective of my child and personally don’t think it’s right for someone other than the mother or father to hold a new baby for more than a few minutes.
Your baby, your rules of course, but I do suggest think you might want to rethink this a little bit . It’s a bit … OTT and bound to cause endless and unenecessary bad feeling . No baby will be damaged by its grandparent or aunt or a doctor or baby nurse or anyone safe holding it for more than “a few minutes” .
elderbee : also wanted to add that social interactions are very important to babies (although not in the first few months). I’ve seen babies whose mothers refused others to hold/carry/interact with them in a significant basis due to overprotection and when daycare came around they had a miserable time adjusting (nobody but mommy syndrome) and some mothers had to postpone going to work because the kid simply could not adjust life sans mommy. Those moms always come back to the other moms whose kids are adjusting and ask “how we did it.” I’ve had to be one of those moms telling them that there wasn’t any tricks, I just made sure my kid had lots of interactions with other adults.
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