Grandparents and car seat safety

posted 6 months ago in Parenting
Post # 31
Member
7297 posts
Busy Beekeeper

kb7 :  given your update I wouldn’t let them drive your kids anymore. You’ve given them enough chances to shape up. My Father-In-Law mentioned being able to get a free seat off Craigslist and I told him straight up that IF they ever drive our kid it will only be in a seat we install in their car. They were a little butt hurt but idgaf. 

Post # 32
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

 

kb7 :  Did I read that right? You would rather hire a complete stranger to watch your two children overnight than have your parents do it after they have told you they would change the way they handled the car seats? 

I feel like you have other issues with your parents and you’re overreacting to this one issue, because of it. 

Yes, car seat safety is unbelievably important, but they already dealt with all of your concerns regarding it. If your husband thinks your overreacting, maybe you should listen. 

Post # 33
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry OP but given your updates,  it now comes down to what you think costs more: this ski trip or your child’s safety. Sounds like a no-brainer to me…

Post # 34
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee

Unless I’ve missed it, have your parents apologized or shown any remorse for their (previous) lack of good safety practices or are they more focused on being butt-hurt about not being trusted?

Post # 35
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

My mum was looking after my niece for the night when my husband and I were also there and had to switch the car seat from one car to the other after my sister had installed it the first car.  What did my mum do? Sent my sister a picture of the seat re-installed to make sure she’d done it correctly (which she had).  Unprompted.  I wouldn’t let your parents babysit again because they’ve shown they don’t take car seat safety seriously.  Find new childcare.

Post # 36
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It sounds like you and your parents are in the wrong. You are definitely overreacting and trying to force them to take you seriously by nagging them (ie the videos, photos, etc.) which doesn’t work–hell, I’d be miffed at you, too. But they are also being disrespectful and ignoring your requests for how they care for your kids. I think you need to figure out your communication issues and then these issues will go away. It’s clear you are bringing other issues into this. 

But at the end of the day, you choose who your kids spend time with. They don’t have to spend time with your parents. 

Post # 37
Member
6246 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You say in your initial post that you’ve always had issues with your parents. So… all of this surprises you? Did you figure that your issues with them and their issues with you would just magically dissolve after you had children? Things don’t work that way. You say they were dicks to you in the past, so… why did you figure you could trust them with your own children? And why do you even want to take the chance? Because they’re free? 

You clearly don’t trust them. They clearly aren’t going to snap photos and jump through hoops for you because they made a mistake once. So decide. DO YOU trust them going forward? If so, then allow your children to stay with them. If your answer is no, then there is absolutely no contest and you either must cancel the trip or find alternative childcare. 

Oh, and my eldest is almost 19. Which means that almost 20 years ago, I had the local fire department check my carseats and show me the proper way of buckling the kids in (how tight the straps should be, what they could wear under the seatbelts, etc.). I asked their Dr. about rear-facing because my children were quite tall, and I was grateful she told me that two broken legs from a rear-facing seat are preferable to a broken neck. Car safety has been pretty uniform for the last two decades. Now, when MY parents brought me home, my mum held me in the car. THAT wasn’t safe, but my mum always came to our house to babysit and never took the kids out until they were old enough not to need car seats. She didn’t know about car safety seats, but she knew that she didn’t want to mess it up. I’ve ALWAYS trusted her completely with my children.

Post # 39
Member
3549 posts
Sugar bee

This sounds like my in-laws. I brought my daughter over to their house. They said they would drive her back, so I offered to put the car seat in their car. Oh, not necessary, they just bought one. The next morning they roll up. They couldn’t get the car seat to buckle, they got it second hand, so my Mother-In-Law was sitting in the back seat holding it down.

I was incandescent. Between clenched teeth I marveled that someone who taught high school science (my FIL) could be so ignorant about the laws of physics. I asked my Mother-In-Law how skilled she was in catching a 65mph projectile. I took out the car seat and tossed it into the large garbage bin. 

Grandparents can be maddeningly obtuse, but having them taking pictures is over the top. If you leave your child in someone’s care you have to trust. If you don’t then you need to arrange for a sitter or stay home.

Post # 41
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You need to lay down the law now, my mom has gotten v defensive when I made rules and boundaries but I let her know that actions have consequences, if they can’t listen to your rules then they don’t get to see the kids. A relationship w grandkids is a Privilege not a right and as the mom YOU set the rules, tell them no driving unless it’s an emergency!

Post # 42
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

We have already asked our parents to buy a car seat and we will have the professionally installed. Nothing is more important than the safety of our bundle of joy.

Post # 43
Member
8721 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kb7 :  “I want them to have time with my children so my children can have a relationship with their grandparents.” — It’s normal to feel this way. The thing you need to remember though, is that your kids will have a relationship with the grandparents that your parents are, not the grandparents you wish they would be. It’s hard when all you want is for them to be safe and respectful, but if that’s not who they are, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. 

Post # 44
Member
6246 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Then I must be misunderstanding something. You say you’ve never had a great relationship with your parents and that they were dicks to you. So why would you imagine them having a great relationship with their grandchildren and NOT being dicks to them? They’re apparently still not treating you with respect, or at least not respecting your decisions regarding your children. So go ahead and make sure they have a relationship with your children, but I think you might have to adjust your expectations. If they don’t treat you with respect, will they treat your children with respect? And it doesn’t require overnights for them to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

Post # 45
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee

kb7 :  maybe I want them to have time with my children so my children can have a relationship with their grandparents. How dare I.

OP you said you do not have a great relationship with your parents.  If they haven’t met your expectations as parents, why do you think they’d meet your expectations as grandparents?  I’m willing to bet the dismissiveness, the insistence on doing things their own way, the poor communication, all of this is part of why your relationship is strained in the first place. They are not going to change who they are essentially (and neither are you) just because you had a baby.  It would be wonderful if they did, but expecting it is naive on your part.

You have a choice of whether to live with lowered expectations or to limit your children’s exposure to your parents.  Which is why I stand by my statement above: if you find your parents to be very unsafe caretakers, then it comes down to a choice between your children’s safety and a ski trip.

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