Post # 1
Member
4710 posts
Honey bee
There have been a swathe of these recently (and this isn’t my first rodeo either). TL:DR my mum’s a bitch, give me strength!
I am *really* trying to keep my mum in the loop as little as possible whilst still remaining civil. Fiance is finding it hard to watch as every time I speak to my mum he says it’s like watching me return with a black eye. Her toxic behaviour means she is emotionally abusive to the point she makes me question my own sanity. For those of you who haven’t seen my previous posts she threatened to kill herself when I ignored her tantrum. I don’t think she would follow through but I would never undermine someones mental health, the threat alone shows she is in a really awful place. This is repetitive behaviour eg she told my dad that he is mentally unstable when he asked for a divorce. I honestly should have seen this coming, but I didn’t.
Near the beginning of the process there was a minor issue that needed immediate attention and, not realising how manipulative and controlling she would be, I asked her if she would deal with it. She insisted on signing the paperwork as she didn’t want to burden us with a huge bill – I genuinely thought this was her being nice but it’s transpired to be another form of control. Unbeknownst to us, she told our venue not to speak to us. This is because in her words, I am “not coping with the stress”. This isn’t true of the wedding (but her behaviour is another matter), but even if it was Fiance would take the reigns not her. She forwarded an email addressed to Fiance and I about the schedule. I said we would get back to the venue and go alone to the meeting.
She has accused me of being unkind because I have said we we would go alone. I have texts saying “Oh dear, clearly you can’t remember how stressed you’ve been” and “I will be there” even when I have said no. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being short, I’ve tried repeating everything over and over. I repeatedly have to tell her it’s our wedding. I even had to spell it out that Future Father-In-Law is dead because she had a tantrum about who she would sit with on the top table and who would escort her from the church (UK traditions).
I have ignored her most recent messages “it’s not for you to decide because we are the hosts” and “you are being unkind, I thought you knew better than this”.
My dad has made it clear to me that he and my mum have separated and that as far as he is concerned he is paying for most but not all of the wedding. He is happy with all the decisions Fiance and I have made. But my mum still thinks they’re together, so she thinks “they” are paying.
I feel like the only way to rectify this is to ask for a revised contract in our names and tell the venue not to share anything with her and tell them about my mum’s behaviour. The problem is she has already told them I am stressed and not coping (like WTF?!?!) so it’s getting he-said-she-said.
Grant me stength and wisdom to get through this. I’ve had to miss so much work to deal with her already.
Post # 2
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
Ok the only way you’re going to cut out the issues is to remove your mother from the equation all together.
Revise the contract with the venue. Set it up so the only people they can speak to are you and your fiance. Then password protect it so she can’t call in pretending to be you.
DO THIS WITH EVERY SINGLE WEDDING ITEM!!!!
It’s time to greyrock and info diet the shit out of your mom. Don’t give her answer’s no is a complete sentence. No thank you works wonders as a response. Especially in public.
If your mother doesn’t have info she can’t fuck anything up.
This is your wedding, do you want to look back on your wedding as a joyous event where you go what you wanted? or as you getting completely steam rolled by your mother and hating it?
Post # 3
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
Call your venue immediately and explain that your mother is to get no more information and they are only allowed to speak with you or your FH. If her name is anywhere on the contract have a new contract drawn up with just the two of you on it.
Your mother is batshit insane and needs help- it really sounds like she’s out of control and threatening to kill herself is not only over the top but a disgusting tactic. She needs help, it’s not up to you to get it for her, you need to show her you won’t put up with it or the resentment will only grow from what it is.
Your mother needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. Let her know that you will not be speaking to her or visting her unless this behaviour changes and DO NOT BEND no matter what she says or does.
That being said – I would also contact any other vendors you have contracts with and insure you’ve given them direction to only speak with the two of you.
Your best bet is to e-mail your vendors so that you have it in writing that you’ve requested they not speak with your mother or allow her to make decisions on your behalf, and you two are the only ones allowed to do so.
Post # 5
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
Definitely speak to the venue, and I 100% hear you on guilt tripping mothers. I’m finding the only thing that works is to not talk about the wedding, or if I do then I make sure it’s only about things that have already been decided on.
This isn’t her day, it’s a day for you and your fi
Post # 6
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
You do need to speak to the venue. Whoever is signing to pay for the event gets the final say. If that’s your father and not your mother, go this legal route to exclude her. I’m sure most venues have experienced MOBs being bridezillas.
Post # 7
Member
5750 posts
Bee Keeper
Your mother is on a whole other level. Damn!
Anyone playing around threatening to kill themselves needs to find their asses snatched up and put on a psych ward lockdown. That is not something to use as a power play.
I agree with what others are saying about the venue. And as soon as your wedding is over, you need to put your mother in an energetic black box. No contact (or very minimal) and extremely limited interaction. She sounds like more than a pushy mother and all the way into dangerous and highly toxic. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. And your poor father- he’s trying to break up with her and she’s just like “Nope”. It would be funny if it wasn’t so disturbing and tragic.
Post # 8
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
If you were in the US I’d tell you to ready to have her Baker Acted the moment she made that threat. However, since you’re not you’re going to have to go the route per the pp’s advice. You may have to ultimately cut her off completely for a while bee. That’s not your fault, she’s the one who would be forcing that action upon her.
By The Way the Baker Act is simply an involuntary psyche hold. (sure there isn’t anything similar where you are?)
Post # 9
Member
4710 posts
Honey bee
Thanks everyone for all the input. I wanted to update you on where we are…
Fiance and I discussed eloping but this isn’t something Fiance wants to do. He places huge importance on people being present to witness the ceremony, it’s part of what makes it special for him. I don’t really want to plan a second “big” wedding just because my mum has pissed all over this one. I don’t think I have the energy to do it all again.
So we just left it for the dust to settle and ignored my mum thinking we’d do something this week. A lawyer friend of ours is looking over the contract to see if we can continue without her and get her removed from the contract (I don’t know where we stand legally). I contacted a mental health charity about what we could do to help my mum – I mentioned the death threats – and I was advised to “be compassionate” which wasn’t hugely helpful.
My mum, having not got what she wanted from me, emailed my dad at the end of last week. He backed me up so this morning Fiance wakes up to an email addressed solely to him. It asks what is wrong with me, accuses him of leading me astray and paints her as a savior who is being mistreated – she’s the victim, of course.
Fiance didn’t sleep last week and is about to flip out. I suggested he ignore it, but not wanting to be rude feels he has to respond. I am lucky he is so eloquent and diplomatic. But given she is my mother I know I need to take this baton.
I’m worried that if she doesn’t get the reply she wants she’ll contact Future Mother-In-Law. She lost FI’s dad, her husband of over 40 years, in October. At the time she was also undergoing chemotherapy. She has been given the all clear now but obviously I don’t want my mum piling on unnecessary pressure. She is a saint.
I swear you couldn’t make this stuff up.
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