(Closed) "Grass is Greener Syndrome" or Legitimate Deal-Breakers??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@eek623:  Thank you, and I’m glad you got away from your rager.  For me, it is a relief every single day.  Frankly, being with my ex H was like living with a 3 year old.  I’m still friends with him, but occasionally he’ll start with that crap again…and now I can just get up and leave, I’m not stuck with it.  To me, that is the best part.  I would never put up with that sort of behavour again. 

Post # 18
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@mightywombat:  I didn’t say ‘only child’, I said ‘spoilt only child’ .  My current Fiance is also an only child…and there’s a massive difference, as he wasn’t raised to believe the sun shone out of his bottom. 

Post # 19
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Personally, that would be a deal breaker for me, especially if he’s against going to anger management or emotion regulation therapy. Anger issues like that scare the bejeezus out of me and I’d never be able to deal with temper tantrums from my guy. That 5% chance he could flare up would have me on edge and walking on eggshells 100% of the time, it wouldn’t be worth it to me. 

I’m assuming he’s suffering from SOMETHING, be it depression, BPD, WHATever, but here’s the thing…if someone doesn’t want help, you can’t force them to get it. Even if you hogtie them and drag them into the counselors office if they’re completely adament that they don’t need help then nothing the professional says is going to be heard by them and applied. 

I personally believe people with anger issues CAN learn to control them if they seek help, but since he’s unwilling to do so, I wouldn’t stick around. It’s just something I personally wouldn’t be able to tolerate because “who’s to say he won’t someday resort to physical violence?” will always be stuck in the back of my head. However, there are many people who would stick around awhile and see how things go, and if you think you can handle it and you want to see, well that’s totally up to you. Just don’t wait around forever. 

Good luck! <3 

 

 

Post # 20
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I’m so sorry, this sounds really hard. If it were me, I would make some decisions. I would tell him that I love him very much, and that he’s awesome and loving and wonderful 95% of the time, but that during the 5% of the time that he’s raging, I’m scared. And that I am choosing to remove myself from having to be in that position any longer. This is a dealbreaker for me, we cannot be together any more unless he is seriously committed to getting help, which he would prove by immediately getting into therapy. It is not a threat or a form of blackmail, it is just a fact. It’s up to him to decide if I am worth enough to him for him to go into therapy, and that if he decides not to, that tells me that I do not mean that much to him.

Post # 21
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@stellate23:  I can’t tell you the number of similarities b/t our stories.  Physically abusive father so when I hear a man’s voice get angry or if I hear slamming doors I cower like a scared child inside– it throws me right back to my childhood except now I go from being scared to furious that my FI is putting me in that situation.  My Fiance is the sweetest thing to me and is always very gentle with me and the violent outbursts are never directed toward me so I can’t figure out if I should leave b/c he needs to realize he has a problem or stay around “for better or for worse” and try to persuade him he needs help. 

I feel your pain so much and I hope both us get some clarity on this. 

 

Post # 22
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is not “normal” behavior and you’re not overreacting because of your history.

He has an anger problem. If he’s unwilling to get help with this problem, it’s time to look for someone you can feel safe with.

Post # 23
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would say that if he doesn’t love you or care enough about you to take your suggestions for him to get anger management counseling seriously, then the rest of the stuff he does doesn’t really make a difference, in my eyes.  Put your foot down.  Tell him he must go to counseling (be supportive, maybe you can go with him? not sure how that works) or you cannot commit your life to someone who has these outbursts.  Perhaps another woman out there can deal with it, but you can’t.  It hurts and scares you and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life like that (nor should you have to).  Is there someone better out there?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who knows?  No one is perfect.  I find that you have to find the person whose flaws you can deal with and whose positives outweigh those flaws. But if someone’s flaws bother you and they can be changed, then that someone really needs to work on changing them if they care about you – however it may be.  Buy him some anger management books, maybe that’s a start.  Tell him he needs to fix it because you can’t live like that.  Do you really want to raise kids in that type of household?  It’s not fair to them.  It’s not fair to you.  If he loves you, he’ll fix it.

Post # 24
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

@stellate23:  I can only give you my perspective and that’s going to mean telling you a bit about me.

I grew up with an angry, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive mother. I fell in love with, and married, the male equivalent.  Did I love my husband? Of course. Was it a huge issue when we first lived together, or were just married? Not really. Did it get worse? Five cop cars and an ambulance on my front lawn would tend to indicate yes.

It took me a very long time to finally get some help and figure this all out. As in 12 years long, and yes, it took therapy. What I have learned is this, and again, I’m only talking about my own experience but it is based on a ton of research by professionals:

1. We learn our core beliefs from our family of origin, in particular our parents and primary caregivers. I learned how to exist in an abusive situation, and it became part of my ‘make up;

2. We are often, unknowingly, attracted to partners or situations that recreate that dynamic because we are comfortable in it. Not that we agree that it is the right thing, but we instinctively know how to exist in that kind of environment; and,

3. It’s going to take a lot of work to turn this around, not only for your partner, but also for you. It is not acceptable for you to tolerate this type of behaviour, and it’s certainly not acceptable for him to behave that way. He has to WANT to change his behaviour, and you have to learn to love yourself and set healthy boundaries.

I waited too long too long to figure this all out but I am now the happiest, most well-adjusted person I have ever been. I’m in a relationship that is honest, loving, supportive, and mutually beneficial for the first time in my life.  Please don’t wait as long as I did; you are worth so much more than that.

Hugs.

Post # 25
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

My ex-husband had major, disturbing anger issues, among other terrible qualities. But that one was right up there as the worst.

To me, the dealbreaker isn’t the anger problems, it’s that he refuses to get help. He absolutely must get help and develop better ways to deal with stress. If he doesn’t, leave.

Post # 26
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That sounds exactly like my ex, down to throwing things when mad and driving dangerously, getting mad on an instant notice, yelling around people, etc. but 95% of the time great.  He also lost a job early into our relationship (I never quite new why…the stated reason I wasn’t sure was fully true), but did get another and moved to be with me during law school – and well, because he had already lost his job.

I was thinking I had to end it because I didn’t think I could bring kids into the relationship and I wanted kids.  But, it’s hard to end a long-term 3 year relationship.  In the end, he solved my problem by cheating on me while he was on an overseas business trip, and quiting his job to move over there to be with the girl!  (Got another job rapidly.)  I later found out he had lied about a lot of things like where he grew up, what high school he went to and how his dad died.

Here’s the thing, you’ve got a few choices:

1. Decide it’s abusive and leave

2. Decide it’s not quite abusive just bad behavior and either:

a. Get him some anger management therapy

b. Decide not to bring kids into in and deal with his anger or

c. Bring kids into and watch them cower from their dad

Please don’t choose 2(c).

My ex wouldn’t have gone to anger management because he didn’t think he had a problem.  I was anesthetized to a lot of it, so it wasn’t until we visited my cousin and I saw his behavior through her eyes, that I realized it was really inexcusable and a problem, even if the rest of the time it was great.  You need to look at it with fresh eyes and decide if it’s something you can live with for the rest of your life.  You probably shouldn’t.

FWIW: I still get stressed out when my Darling Husband drives slightly more aggressively, as a lingering issue from the ex.

Post # 27
Member
4533 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My  question to you OP is would you want to have children with this man right now??? Would you want  your kids thinking throwing tantrums and yelling at people who disagree with them is normal behaviour??? 

Everybody gets irrationally angry  and may even kick something or throw something occasionally, but when its the norm  and not the exception…you have to worry.

I’m not saying to move on …but I do think its essential that he learns proper techniques from a professional on how to deal and verbalise his anger and frustration.

I would also be concerned that he hasn’t looked for employment in 2.5 years….Can you rely on him for support if something happens to you in the future. I seriously hope you are not supplamenting his cushy lifestyle. If you are, then I think you may be involved with a manchild who throws tantrums and wants a mummy to look after them. If you are supporting him then I’d say ‘see you later’…..he’s just looking for an easy ride….

Post # 28
Member
4533 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

double post…sorry!!Surprised

Post # 29
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m so sorry.  It sounds as if he has very serious anger management issues.  It would be very hard to do, but I think you should tell him that you need to seek counseling either together or him alone, or tell him you’re leaving.  Being scared by your SO’s behavior is not right, and it’s doubly not right to bring children into that life.

Post # 30
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@anothersmith:  +1!!! A hundred times +1.  Especially this part: 

“1. We learn our core beliefs from our family of origin, in particular our parents and primary caregivers. I learned how to exist in an abusive situation, and it became part of my ‘make up;

2. We are often, unknowingly, attracted to partners or situations that recreate that dynamic because we are comfortable in it. Not that we agree that it is the right thing, but we instinctively know how to exist in that kind of environment; and,”

______________________________________________________

I have to say, OP, this is not a “grass is greener” situation.  I’m 32, just met my Fiance less than 2 year ago, and dated men almost continuously from the time I was 16 until I met my Fiance.  I have never, EVER, and all of those years, dated a guy that exhibited those behaviours.  And probably because my own dad wasn’t like that, and it would disturb me greatly to see someone get out of control emotionally over something like a printer breaking, and I would dump them immediately.  I can promise you, tere are a *lot* of men that don’t act that way, and YES, the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence…or rather, in another man’s arms.

I promise.  Please, DTMF.  You don’t deserve to have someone with no job, who has angry emotional outbursts.

Post # 31
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Dealbreaker.

Your need to write this post in itself says a lot. I can imagine it will be very difficult but I have to be honest. In my opinion you should move on.

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