(Closed) "Grass is Greener Syndrome" or Legitimate Deal-Breakers??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
8038 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@stellate23:  Apologies if this has been said before (I didn’t go back and read previous replies), but I think that you need to decide if you can go through an entire lifetime of his outbursts. Do you plan on having kids? It takes tremendous patience to raise a child, and do you think he can handle it?

Possibly more than the temper thing, I think that the lack of job (and lack of looking for one) is a huge red flag. Why hasn’t he worked for 2.5 years? That’s a LONG time. Does he expect you to support him when savings run out? What about the future? Unless he’s wealthy, those savings are taking away from retirement.

Of course it’s your call, but it doesn’t sound to me like he’s 95% amazing. If I were you, I would not commit to marrying him until he gets a job at least. I am just guessing here, but is it possible that his anger outbursts are related to him feeling a bit useless/emasculated because he isn’t working? I may have missed it, but I don’t recall you mentioning why he’s been out of work. To me it’s a huge problem when a man doesn’t want to work. I would never again be with someone who lacks ambition. What does he do to fill his time?

Based on what you write, I am leaning towards telling you to run. This doesn’t sound like a case of cold feet or an innocent fleeting thought of ‘I wonder if there’s someone more perfect for me out there’… it sounds to me like you have legitimate concerns.

Post # 48
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I know you love him but you need to leave him. I know I would. It’s as simple as that.

Post # 49
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@GoldfishPie:  +1

While your SO sounds like a great guy, and has been very supportive of you throughout your time dating, it scares me that he scares you, if that makes sense.  You should never feel threatened due to his behavior, nor should you be embarrased in public due to his reactions to others. 

That being said, you do love him, want the best for him and it seems that he truly does need to seek professional help to deal with his anger issues.  It almost seems that its time to give him an ultimatum and request that he deals with these issues head on, because from what you said it sounds like things aren’t really getting better, for his lack of initiative in looking for a job and truly taking responsibility for his actions… do you really want to be supporting him for a lifetime?

Post # 50
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

They’re all great 80 to 95 per cent of the time.  Otherwise, they would never be able to suck any woman into a relationship.

You spend all of you mental energy trying to get Mr 5 Per Cent to show up.

Post # 52
Hostess
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like you’re on the right track. He may be trying now, but if he’s not willing to commit to therapy (which is what you said you wanted) then I don’t think it’s a long term change. The fact alone that you said you don’t want to have kids with him was pretty telling. If you don’t trust him enough to have kids, it doesn’t sound good. Best of luck. 

Post # 53
Member
1345 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My fiance gets mad when things aren’t working too (let’s be completely honest here, we all get frustrated sometimes), but I NEVER feel afraid or embarrassed (mostly because he will grump at his phone for not having reception, or call his xbox a peice of shit and then be done with it). If you’re scared of him, your instincts are trying to tell you to leave. Regardless of your past, you’re afraid and I would not like to be scared of the person I am with. You say he gets mad if someone’s opinion is different from his, what if your opinion is different? That is very childish, people are aloud to think/want/do different things, that should not be something to get angry about.

I don’t know that I would advocate leaving (unless you want to of course), but he should see an anger management specialist. I know someone who has been and from what I have seen, it really helped. Anger can be addictive, it’s not healthy for him to randomly abuse people for thinking differently or throw things around. I understand that he’s saying no, but i’d put my foot down and say ‘i don’t like being afraid of you, I need you to try this for me’. In the grand scheme of things, he’s angry at stuff that isn’t even important. In a year he won’t still be upset about it, his anger is just not worth it.

Post # 54
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO stellate23: First off (( HUGS )) because I know that it was probably very hard for you to reach out, tell your story and pour out your heart to a bunch of strangers.

I agree very much with what the other Bees have had to say…

Particularly anothersmith: who shared her own pain with all of us.

As a woman who was in an Abusive Marriage for over 20 Years, I can relate to both her and yourself to some extent.

My Ex had a very short fuse… he was always a moody guy (I met him when I was 20)… and pretty angry with the rest of the world, and what was wrong with it. For a good part of his childhood young adulthood this was said to be the “pefectionist” in him as he was so bright academically.

But in the real world, when it came to relationships… it was just a royal PITA for those of us around him who loved him

His issues went from being self centered in his 20s to low self esteem in his 30s, to self-loathing in his 40s. And his drinking increased, to the point he was a raging ANGRY alcoholic.

His outburts were horrible. He swore, threw things, broke things, and on occasion (especially when fired up on alcohol) would get both ABUSIVE and VIOLENT with me.

I LOVED HIM… TOO MUCH

I wanted back the smart but moody guy I fell in love with… had kids with. Built a life with… planned a future with.

I wanted him fixed

Unfortunately, as anothersmith: has so eloquently said, this is a naive (and fairly common belief).

YOU cannot fix someone… only they can fix themselves.

And like your SO, my guy had no intention of getting any serious counselling (sure he’d make the occasional attempt at couples counselling… but he’d always quit, because “the therapist is a quack… he isn’t helping us… etc”) Which was true, therapy was costing a fortune, and never moving along at any rapid rate, but that was because there was a GIANT ELEPHANT in the room… the fact that my guy, wasn’t willing to share a great deal, or admit there was any sort of a problem(s)

I’ve been the woman who wanted the IT’S JUST 5% DEMON to go away… I bent over backwards (losing myself in the process) trying to make that happen. Walking on eggshells, living a lie. And going thru countless situations where I was either the victim or being victimized.  All the while protecting my kids from their REAL FATHER.  Pretending that what WAS HAPPENING… really wasn’t.

(Like Sekhmet: I too have countless embarrassing inappropriate stories I can tell about my Ex… public humiliation, dangerous driving, etc)

And then one day I woke up and realized, that things had come to a head.  I came to realize that IF I DIDN’T GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP… then like anothersmith: there were going to be Police involved, and one of us was going to end up on the 6 o’clock news or the front page of our local paper… for killing the other (mine of course would have been self-defence)

And NONE of that would be healthy for either of us… or what OUR KIDS DESERVED !!

So I left.  Leaving was H3LL.

When they say the worst times with an Abuser are when you leave… they are not kidding.  And he took his new found ANGRY CAUSE… ME … on full bore.

Long story short… we went thru a horrific divorce.  And at one point I was virtually homeless and on the doorstep of the local Food Bank looking for support.  He was a royal prick about it all.  He did everything in his power to make sure our family had a permanent split… using money and power to sway our teens to his way of thinking.

I was a wreck, but I vowed I was going to find a way thru this… and spent years in counselling cause of the trauma I suffered.  I learned that I was a GOOD PERSON, and that I didn’t DESERVE any of the junk he threw my way.  I discovered how to set boundaries for myself and for others I interact with.

I also learned that Abusive People (and to be sure your SO is exhibiting some of these traits), are master manipulators.  They see themselves as NEVER accountable to no one, and learn to play the game to their own advantage.

With your UPDATE you say you’ve worked some things out… when infact all I see from where I sit is he is exhibiting what is know as “Honeymoon Behaviour”… he is acting a certain way to make you happy… it will not last… without counselling and a genuine understanding of WHAT he does and WHY… he will return to his old self before long.  Then more than likely he will BLAME his failure to continue on the path ON YOU… and very convincingly so I might add.

My best advice…

IT IS A DEAL BREAKER

I wouldn’t wish what I went thru on my worst enemy.  I spent aprox 25 Years of my life wasting MY TIME being something to someone who didn’t appreciate that effort, or WHO I WAS GENUINELY to begin with.

It took me a long time to heal… and even longer to TRUST again (anyone… but especially MEN or an Intimate Relationship).

Lucky for me, Mr TTR saw pretty quickly in me that I was a GOOD PERSON (his words) and that far out-shone the visible emotional scars that I did (and sometimes still do) exhibit / struggle with.

Here it is more than 10 Years on, and I am much better, but to be honest I do have to work at it each and every day (and it isn’t easy) My Ex ate away at my self-esteem and WHO I was so badly, that sometimes I feel as though I do not know who I am, or where those lost years of my life went.  I wouldn’t say I am angry about that… just very confused.  I find it hard to rationalize that I loved some one so much who hurt me so badly emotionally.  I like to think now that I’ve come to realize that I am WORTH SO MUCH MORE, but it is difficult to look back and see the shell of a woman who accepted so much less.

Please… heed my warning.

Do not waste your life with this man, when there is someone out there who would LOVE and treat you the way you deserve.  I realize that after years it is hard to step aside… but it will only get worse… 5 years, 10 years, a lifetime doesn’t make it any easier.

I am so fortunate at my age (50+) to get another chance at love… and this LOVE is much much healthier than my last.  I treasure each and every minute that I have with Mr TTR and he with I (he is over 60).  At this point in our lives we are grateful for the time we have together to share.

I realize that if I had never married my Ex, and gone thru what I have, I would never have met Mr TTR… BUT I also know that chances are good that I would have had a much better life because I wouldn’t have been burdened with a situation that I had no control over… and probably would have met and married a very different man and been much happier.

THE GRASS REALLY IS GREENER BEYOND THE FENCE

Good men exist… there is one out here for you as well.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 55
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@mightywombat:  +1. I am an only child, but I do not act like a crazy person when I am not the center of attention.

Anyway, to the OP: His behavior sounds dangerous. I was once with a guy who threw things– he told me he did, I wasn’t with him long enough to actually see it– but even the idea scared me, and I am glad that it never got to where I saw him throw things. (What if when your guy throws something, it’s glass and it shatters everywhere and it gets in your eye?? So dangerous.) 

The fact that his behavior scares you, that you dealt with people acting like this when you were growing up, that he drives badly when someone pisses him off and all his other anger problems. . . all of those ARE SCARY and you are right to be wondering about this relationship. If he will go to counseling, and try to become more sane, and really does display results AND desire to change, then, well, maybe he is worth it. But honestly, I think you are wasting your time with someone who frightens you. That’s not OK. You should never need to be scared of someone who says they love you, and whom you love.

Also, the fact that he’s been living on his savings for 2.5 years is a big bad sign. Why couldn’t he be bothered to get a job? Doesn’t it bother you that while you were working, he was just hanging out and living off savings that he could have been using to get himself counseling/anger management therapy, or buying a house, or something?! That would mega piss me off. Big no-no right there. As other people have said, it’s going to be pretty hard for him to get a job now. Do you want to be with a man, have children with a man, who ends up on continual unemployment or welfare? Or have to support the whole family by yourself? I sure wouldn’t!

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this– sometimes relationships and people truly suck. 🙁

Post # 57
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ETAPersonally this is a deal breaker for me and ultimately I see it ended up being one for you!

I’m happy you were able to break free of this cycle. Best of luck!

 

CRAIGSLIST SUBLET. It is a freaking life saver. I used it to find a temp place to live less than 3 days before moving into a place. Also any major rental place will have a short term/sublet option. 

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