Post # 1
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
My mom passed away in January of this year and we just purchased a gravestone that my dad and her will share and then my dad decides to get mine ahead of time too, so I will not have to worry about it down the road, which is nice of him but kind of morbid. My parents were/are a big part in my life more so than my DH’s family and my last name is hyphenated. My DH and I will be sharing a gravestone but right now my dad just wants me to put my maiden name because we never know what is going to happen in the future what if we break up, it’s almost like putting a tattoo of my DH’s name on my arm or something, it’s permanent. We are not putting my name and D.O.B or anything in case I want to put a pic of us in the future but you know how most people have their last name in bold on the top, my dad just wants it to say my maiden name, he rather me not even add my DH’s last name. I told my dad in the future I will be adding my DH’s name too and he seems to be ok with that I just hope it doesn’t look weird having 2 last names? At first my DH wasn’t on board with this but now he said ok as long as his name can be added in the future, which it will be. Do you think it is weird to have 2 names on a gravestone?
Post # 2
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
Omg. 0_o
I think you should put whatever you’re comfortable with, but I might be a tad peeved at my dad for suggesting my husband and I may get a divorce in the future. If your name is hyphenated anyway, it won’t be a big deal to add another surname.
Also, I am still wrestling with the idea of a father purchasing a gravestone for his living daughter. Is this typical in your family/culture/region?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by coachhw.
Post # 3
Member
7871 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Just smile and go along with what your dad wants, but don’t feel obliged to use that gravestone. Because, at the risk of being morbid, when your time comes your father probably won’t be around to complain. That’s certainly what I’d do if one of my parents pulled a stunt like that.
I think your time *does* come, you should have your final name (i.e. hopefully the one you have now), and either share the gravestone with your husband, or share it with no one. (I prefer the latter because I believe every widowed person should be free to remarry, no matter how old). I mean, logically, he wants to share one with his spouse, so why can’t you? But don’t argue with your father over this: he is still grieving so may not see the logic.
Post # 4
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
coachhw: No my dad is a planner. He already purchased our plots too, plots and gravestones are a lot of money and he is trying to help me out, which is nice, plus he wants us all to be buried near each other, I know this is very morbid but if he didn’t buy the plots now, then 30-40 years from now, we probably couldn’t be near each other, he is not hoping anything bad happens to me or my DH he just likes to plan ahead, kind of like having a will. Before my mom died we never discussed things kinds of things. Oh and my dad doesn’t think we will break up he is just cautious also the man we are buying the gravestones from just went through a bitter divorce himself and he said you never know what your life will be like in 30-40 years. Also when we went to visit my mom we looked at other gravestones and there are a lot of husbands and wives who share a gravestone and one person has passed and the other one is still living but both names are on there, there just isn’t a date of death for the person who is still living.
Post # 5
Member
9557 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
If yiu’re going to have to etch all the other info, why not just do the last names kater as well? There’s no real reason to put any last name on it.
Post # 6
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
JenGirl: Yes I thought about leaving it blank because we will have to add all the info later, I still may mention that to my dad but he is very proud of his last name and insists we have just that for now. I don’t want to argue with him or upset him, so if he doesn’t like the idea of leaving it blank than I will just add my DH’s name later.
Post # 7
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
MRS-K: Get what you want as its your name. Can you get it inscribed later? I know there is space on my dad’s gravestone for my mom’s name but her name isn’t on it yet. She didn’t want to look at her name on a headstone for the rest of her life. Its a marble stone.
Post # 8
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
LarLa: For now he just wants my maiden name on the stone and nothing else but I think I am going to ask him for it to be blank because every time I go see my mom I don’t want to see my last name, it is very morbid.
Post # 9
Member
6125 posts
Bee Keeper
MRS-K: Well in your will you can state where you really want to be buried and what you want on your gravestone. I have four legal names so I might want all four on there, I don’t care if it looks funny too! You don’t even have to go with your dad’s gravestone if you don’t like the plan right now, but just pretend like you are to keep the peace.
Post # 10
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
sienna76: Well because the plot and gravestone are both purchase, my gravestone I believe not 100% sure will be at the cemetary beside my mom’s, so if my dad insists I have my maiden name and I go against him and leave it blank or what not, he will see it when he goes to visit my mom. I might just put my maiden name now, just to make him happy and then add my DH’s last name afterwards. People in their early to mid 30’s shouldn’t have to think about these things lol.
Post # 11
Member
9557 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
MRS-K: i would also point out that your maiden name will age, with time, until your gravestone is needed. So when they put your husband’s last name on there, it will likely always look different because they will have aged different amounts. Just something to think about. I’d push the idea of leaving it blank.
Post # 12
Member
6125 posts
Bee Keeper
MRS-K: That sounds like a plan, add H’s name later. There’s a good chance you won’t even be in the area so then it will all be moot!
Post # 13
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
JenGirl: Good point, I am going to mention that.
Post # 14
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON
I had my sister who is not married yet mention to my dad that she wants hers left blank for now and my dad said ok so I am going to tell him I want mine blank as well for now.
Post # 15
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
Your father insisting on excluding your husband from your gravestone is very disrespectful. And you not standing up to him and insisting on your full married name is a slap in the face.
I wouldn’t stand for this. You need to make it perfectly clear in no uncertain terms that your husband is your primary family now and your father needs to respect your married status. Both names on the gravestone or you want nothing to do with it.
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