(Closed) Great waiting day turned into awful waiting day… this is gonna be a long one

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m sorry you had a crap day. From what you wrote it sounds like you have not even been with your boyfriend for a year yet? Most (younger) guys would find that moving quite fast to move in with each other/get engaged…sometimes they just need a bit more time to feel ready about the idea. My guy and I said from 3 months in that this was it and we’d be together forever but he wanted to move in together after 18 months (fine with me) and we got engaged after 3.5 years (again, fine with me.)  He always said that every guy hates pressure and it just makes them delay it more. Either because they want it to be a surprise and don’t like the person suspecting that it’s going to happen or as a rebellion.

 

Post # 5
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If engagement is less of a commitment to him than living together, it seems likely that he’s still thinking of marriage in the abstract or more distant future than you might be hoping. I mean, it’s easy for me to say that I want to spend all of eternity eating pizza, but if someone was like, okay we can make that happen, you ready for a lifetime of nothing but pizza? I might be more like, whoa, this just got real. 

From all of your posts, it sounds like you have a really wonderful guy who is very committed to you. I know this is difficult (it’s difficult for me, too, so I really do get it) but you need to focus on living in the present right now and not rushing things. If you guys agree that this is forever – then you have plenty of time to enjoy things as they unfold. This might be the last time in your life that you get to live by yourself – enjoy that! Throw your socks on the floor, order some takeout food that he hates, spend a solo afternoon in your underpants reading biographies… Remember that this time won’t come again, and trust that things will all work out the way they should in good time. 

I know it seems so easy for me to be all “live in the moment” when I’m not waiting any more, but if there’s one thing waiting taught me, it’s that nothing good comes from living one step ahead of yourself. If your commitment doesn’t feel real now, it won’t feel any more real when there’s a ring on your finger or your name on his lease. And if you’re always anticipating the next thing – engagement, living together, the wedding, the house, the babies – you will never really enjoy what you have now. You’re young! You’re in love! You have a great guy who cares enough to notice the kind of jewelry you like! Really breathe that in. 

And the other side of that? If you are always one step ahead of yourselves, you are going to drive the poor guy nuts. It’s not that you should keep your feelings bottled up… But that you might try to really let go of the impatience and anxiety about the future that is making you so unhappy. I know you can do that, because I learned how to let it go… And if I can, trust and believe, anyone can. 

Post # 7
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

so you’ve been together 9 months? it is pretty fast to move in together i can understand him not being ready yet. it sounds like he is marriage minded andn ot messing you around so try to have patience

Post # 8
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@laughs:  Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a human being and you’re trying. There will be times when you’ll upset him and times when he’ll upset you and most things are really NBD until someone (usually me, lol) makes it a big deal and gets all upset at themselves for being upset and then it spirals and pretty soon it actually is a big deal because I made it into one. 

Its not a catastrophe. You know? He got grumpy and shut down a bit. He will probably have forgotten about it by the time he gets home. You’ll try to be more zen next time! And if you fail and he gets grumpy again… You try harder next time. 🙂

Hamg in there. Big Internet hugs!

Post # 10
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with the others, you’re trying to rush things and you haven’t even been together that long. And I disagree with you that nothing will change when you move in together. I had the easiest moving-in-together experience in the world, literally no fighting or adjustment period or anything, but it still wasn’t just the same as not living together. It’s a big big step, and he’s not ready. He’s told you that and you really just need to respect it or you’re probably going to scare him away. 

Post # 12
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t understand how you feel he is ready for marriage when he isn’t ready to share a living space with you.  I think you need to slow down.

Post # 14
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My relationship is somewhat similar to yours. We’ve been dating for 8 months and our one year anniversary will be September 7th. We’ve already decided that we want to marry each other someday. And we will be moving in together in January.

However, we didn’t actually admit to each other that we wanted to get married until late March/early April. Even though we had both been having those thoughts privately, we didn’t have the guts to admit it out loud until early April. 

And before that, we had talked about moving in together but only in a “I wish we could” way. My family is religious and once I move in with Boyfriend or Best Friend, shit is gonna hit the fan. I’m stressing out about it because I know it will make me the black sheep in my family. But my Boyfriend or Best Friend is way more important than what my family thinks so I’m taking the risk. 

Once we admitted to each other that we wanted to get married, we started seriously talking about moving in together. Our original goal was to move in togther in August this year. I signed a 6 month lease at my current place and it expires on July 31st. 

However, we realized that we would have to buy bedroom and dining room furniture as well as a bunch of odds and ends for our place. We are also going to North Carolina next month for vacation so that will be pretty expensive. And Boyfriend or Best Friend is talking about us going on a weekend getaway trip in September to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. So we agreed that since we have a bunch of big expenses coming up, that I would renew my 6 month lease. Which means that it’ll be up by January 31st. 

So we’ll move in together sometime in January or early February. 

Anyway. I’ve gotten off subject, my bad. The reason why we are doing this is because Boyfriend or Best Friend thinks it’s important to live together before marriage. I used to think the exact opposite. I never planned on ever living with a guy before marriage but when you meet the “One”, sometimes your feelings change. And I can’t wait to move in with him.

Boyfriend or Best Friend thinks that being engaged is a bigger committment than living together and it appears that your SO thinks differently. 

Does he want to live together at ALL before you get engaged or married? If he doesn’t, I would ask him why. It concerns me that he says he knows he wants to marry you someday but won’t even entertain the idea of moving in with you first. 

Other PPs have said you’re moving too fast. I’m not sure I agree with them entirely. I’ve been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend for only 8 months but we have already made plans to move in together in January and we know we want to get married some day. Every couple moves at their own pace. And you and your SO are the only ones that can truly know if you’re moving too fast. 

However, since he is balking at the idea of moving in together, I would table all the engagement/marriage talk for now. Find out EXACTLY what bothers him about sharing a home and why he thinks it’s a bigger committment than getting engaged. That seems a little backwards to me, to be honest. Then just go from there.

Ok I am gonna stop typing here because this is turning into a novel, good grief. Anyway, good luck and I hope everything works out! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

@KatieBklyn:  This might be the last time in your life that you get to live by yourself – enjoy that! Throw your socks on the floor, order some takeout food that he hates, spend a solo afternoon in your underpants reading biographies… Remember that this time won’t come again, and trust that things will all work out the way they should in good time. 

Such incredible advice! I’ve been relishing the last few weeks of living on my own.

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