(Closed) Green with envy!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

There’s a very good chance she doesn’t see what she’s saying as bragging. Could it be that when you first got engaged, you talked about your ring, wedding plans, etc to her as your Maid/Matron of Honor, and now that she’s engaged, she is just as excitedly telling you about her plans?

Post # 47
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If she is your Maid/Matron of Honor she must be your BFF or someone who is close to you.  In which case…talk to her.  Seriously. Tell her how you are feeling.  Tell her how you are happy for her but do not want to compare weddings with her.  Tell her when you are with her you want to talk about something besides weddings.  I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Post # 48
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like your friend is deliberately doing the humble-brag thing & hoping to make you a bit envious. Don’t play into this Bee, it’ll only make you feel sad and guilty at a time you should be happy and excited. You mention that your ring was a surprise after a shorter time period and her ring was a much longer time coming (perhaps with some behind the scenes waiting angst), so maybe she’s the one who felt competitive first & was envious that your guy ‘stepped up’ first and may misguidedly feel that your Fiance was crazy about you and couldn’t wait to marry you while her guy took his sweet time, maybe had to be poked and prodded. Maybe your guy is more publicly affectionate than hers or more easy going or maybe your Future Mother-In-Law adores you and her Future Mother-In-Law isn’t so keen….a myriad of possible reasons she’s secretly thinking you’re the one who has things better & so she’s passively aggressively trying to even the score by playing oneupmanship with you.

Allow yourself a moment’s private envy, then shake it off and tell yourself you’re too happy to be marrying the man you’re in love with to get sucked into her petty games. If she continues to seemingly deliberately try and make you feel bad, you’ll have to decide whether to confront her on this behaviour (she’ll likely deny it) or distance yourself from her. 

 

Post # 49
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
parapluierain:  It’s okay to have these feelings, and to sit in uncomfortable emotions from time to time. As long as you don’t let it take over… I grew up around some very, very jealous people and it was very difficult to have relationships with third parties due to that. So, check in with yourself from time to time.

This is unrelated to the OP, but I’ve noticed whenever someone mentions being jealous of someone’s ring, wedding, or engagement, there are inevitably a few responses about the person with the bigger ring/wedding/whatever being in debt or not totally happy. That’s not necessarily the case. For example, I have friends with bigger engagement rings–and they’re not in debt, nor are their fiances secret assholes, and their marriages aren’t headed to divorce court. They just happen to have better paying jobs, more savings, or a better connection in the jewelry industry. That’s all. Some people have it like that.

Post # 50
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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parapluierain:  one word. Gratitude.  i guess you wont know what you truly have until it’s gone.

Post # 51
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Envy is generally locating a deep personal internal insecurity in something external. Logically, you know that you shouldn’t be envious of your BFF and that being envious is futile–you’re not going to get her ring, her venue, her house. You have your ring, your venue, your apartment. These are simply the facts of life, and you know that. 

But I think that you also know that the problem is not really her. I mean, you can bitch all you want about how she might be bragging and lording her good fortune over you, but at the end of the day, you know that if you were really satisfied with yourself, none of that would matter. I also would say that this probably isn’t really about the ring and the venue and the house (unless you are profoundly superficial person, in which case I doubt you’d have the self-awareness to write the post you did), but perhaps something more emotionally resonant lying beneath those things. Maybe you envy her financial security. Maybe you envy the closeness of her and her FI’s families, or how supportive they are. Maybe you wish you allowed yourself more luxuries in life. I mean, I’m just spitballing here because I don’t know you, but if you want to solve the problem, it behooves you to figure out what the problem really is–in yourself and your own life, beyond rings and venues. The soul-searching is where your solution is. If you figure out that you really wish you had more financial stability/flexibility, then maybe the solution is as simple as putting together your finances and planning for your own future. Maybe seeing that you could afford a house in say, 5 years, will make you less jealous of hers, for example. Let her do her life; you do yours. 

Post # 52
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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BothCoasts:  That was deep. Can you decipher my feelings too? But really

Post # 53
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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parapluierain:  I can’t imagine being so envious of someone else’s wedding unless maybe for a minute I might be envious of a celebrity who can afford a Mindy Weiss wedding! 🙂 I would look at my relationship and career and make sure I don’t have deeper feelings of disappointment that need to be addressed.

 

Post # 54
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I felt/feel the same way with 3 of my friends but over something different. SO and I decided to try for a baby over 2 1/2 years ago. It took me a full year to get pregnant in that time 2 of my friends got pregnant with only trying for a month. My pregnany ended in miscarriage, both of them went on to have healthy babies. It took another 5 month for me to get pregnant again, another friend got pregnant after again only trying for a month. Again my pregnacy ended in a miscarriage and she had a healthy pregnacy. I am beyond envious of those who can get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. But I’m also trying to be thankful that I have my dd who is 7 1/2 because there are people out there who can’t have any children, so even if I can’t have anymore at least I have her. 

Post # 55
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Yipeebee:  I’m so sorry to hear that, Bee. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. Stay strong and keep your head up.  I will keep you in my thoughts 😔

Post # 56
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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jessc27:  Hey, thank you! It’s probably my all time favorite video. I saw it in a few different classes in college and it really struck me as such an important, basic message but one that we very rarely hear. Being supportive can be really hard sometimes and I think just about everyone can relate to each “character” in the story. I try to go back and rewatch it every few months because it’s so easy to lose sight when we’re caught up in our own worlds (and I’m very guilty of this at times!). Perspective is key! ☺️

Post # 57
Member
24 posts
Newbee

We’re humans, it’s normal to feel envy at times. But that doesn’t mean you have to indulge it. Don’t waste your time analyzing your envy, or what you friend has said, etc. When envy comes, feel it, and, on purpose, let it go. When your mind “goes there”, don’t let it stay there. Do this as many times as you need to. Don’t act on it, don’t waste your energy thinking about it. Nothing good comes out of that, and it’s a waste of your time.

Post # 58
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

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jennmariee:  

I love what you’ve said here–so much truth in these words.

…and to OP, I went through the same thing with my BFF while she had a fairytale Destination Wedding, and mine was just a little church affair, they bought a big duplex while we were looking at trying to afford a HUD (foreclosed on) home.  She always seemed to get what she wanted, from the time we were 8 years old through adulthood.  She was essentially an only child (her brother being 15 years older than her and she the princess), and had a mother who was at all of her sporting events, took an interest in, and had time to be at, everything she did. I loved going to her house because it was so calm and everything was in its place.  But what I learned years later was how much she loved the chaos of my house–that comes with three kids and a whole neighborhood playing basketball in the driveway and riding dirt bikes in the “forest” until dark, something her mom never would have allowed.  She also hated how much her mom had her nose in everything she did growing up.  As it turns out, neither one of us had happy marriages, for very different reasons, but bigger didn’t mean better, and what I envied of her, she was feeling the same of me.  

I have seen so many women who survive by drinking, prescription drugs, or other distractions, because they find themselves stuck in a life they envied on someone else, and now they feel duped.  Their lives are nothing to envy, and chances are your real love, sweet fiance, authentic life, and upcoming marriage, are things being envied by someone like this. 

Live the life YOU have.  It’s the only one you’ve got!

Post # 59
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My ring was 0.4 and I definitely wanted a bigger one. We are not really ready/afford to buy a house yet. We live with my parents and go back to his during weekend. Most of our married friends are either renting a house or bought one. But we are happy overall. At some point we should stop comparing ourselves to others. Count your blessings and you will be happy.

Post # 60
Member
10498 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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parapluierain:  

“I love my moh, and I am so happy her boyfriend finally proposed. …

I was extremely careful of this when I became engaged because I knew she had been with her boyfriend for such a long time.”  

I wonder if, despite you being ‘extremely  careful’ , she picked up on/conceived  the idea that you pitied her for his apparent  dilatoriness,  and she is now, consciously or not , paying  you back a bit ?  

Rise above it dear OP – as   others have said “comparison  the thief of joy”  

 

 

 

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