- 11 years ago
… and I only really post in the Babies board these days anyway, but the Hive has always been a good source of support for me, so hopefully no one will hold it against me if I just let it out here…
My brother Will died on October 8, 2009. At least, we think he did. That was the day he disappeared after leaving a Bruins game at the TD Garden in Boston during the first half. He was on the phone with his girlfriend, Claire, who was in her car to pick him up. Claire was in front of the Garden and asked him for the address of his location. He gave it to her and she entered it into her GPS, then his cell phone’s battery died. She arrived at the address about two minutes later, and he was nowhere to be found.
My mom and I drove to Boston two days later, where we did interviews with detectives. We had to identify him on surveillance video, where he was seen pacing outside the exit. He wandered off camera at some point and didn’t return to the area. We spent an entire day doing back to back press interviews… we were even on Good Morning America.
Six days after he disappeared his body was found in the Charles River about a mile from the Garden. The sound of the knock at our hotel room door and the lieutenant’s voice telling my mother that they’d “found Will.. deceased..” followed by the sound of my mother screaming will be forever burned into my memory
This is a good summary of everything that happened:
(We still don’t know what happened. The cause/manner of death have not been determined. We don’t even know if he died on October 8 or after that date. We don’t know how long he was in the water.)
Planning his funeral was awful. It had to be closed casket, which was devastating to my mother, and the insensitive funeral director suggested that if she didn’t believe his advice, she could take a look at the body. To save her the grief, my DH went in. He still won’t talk to me about what he saw, but he was pale and crying when he came out of the room.
Ever since the funeral I’ve been living in a perpetual state of denial because facing the emotions is too horrible. Every time I try to dip a toe into really grieving I retreat because the pain and guilt is unbearable. I have such guilt. I was so angry at Will before he died because he made some unwise choices in the year preceding his death that lead to him not attending my wedding. Even saying that is so hard that I’m weeping.
I have no one I can talk to about this. My DH is great, but I’ve talked about it so much with him that I can sense that he is weary of hearing me go over the same things over and over. When I mention Will’s name around friends their faces immediately change as if to say “Let’s not go there.” I have this feeling that everyone wants me to get over it so that it won’t be so uncomfortable for them any more. I don’t know how to get over it, though. I can’t face the pain of grieving alone.
Whew, thanks for reading if you’re still here. I realize that I probably need to see a grief counselor or something. I’m not really looking for any advice, I just needed to let that all off my chest. Here is a picture of Will 3 weeks before he died, with his beloved cat.