- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
My sweet little dog died just yesterday after 15 years and I’m heartbroken. She was sick and in pain, so I made the choice to put her to sleep. I stayed with her until the end, cuddling her and telling her I loved her. The vet even let me stay for half an hour afterward, just cradling her and talking. Right now I’m devastated and I think I’m making the grief worse for myself.
I wasn’t the best dog owner. I loved her to bits but sometimes I just sucked. When I first got her, someone was always home to look after her. But after a few years (and divorces/change in the family) she was left for long hours during the day while I worked.
And sometimes I lost my patience with her. In her later years she was a big barker and I occasionally yelled at her to be quiet. I YELLED at her. And there were times I’d smack her butt – if she tore into the garbage and made a mess all over the kitchen, or pooed in the office.
As she got older she slowed down a little and sometimes it would take her 5 minutes to get down the stairs for a drink at 4 am. And I’d be tired and crabby and I’d get impatient and nudge her with my foot and say “Come on already!!!”
I feel so abusive looking back on it all. How do you know if you were bad/abusive/cruel to your pet? Would she have acted a certain way?
There were also so many times I’d cuddle her, take her for walks, play with her. When I got home she’d always be at the door barking and wagging her tail. I gave her way too many treats which probably contributed to her kidney disease but I thought I was doing a good thing. Sometimes when I watched TV she’d just snuggle in beside me and I’d pet her. She followed me around the house.
I wasn’t the best. I wasn’t one of those owners who took her for walks every single day, or who knew how to blowdry her hair to look the way it was supposed to. There were times she’d just be in her bed or laying next to me and I’d be on the computer or doing other things and not petting her.
What about the times I came home from work, after her being alone for 8 hours, and instead of instantly cuddling her and petting her, I’d go check the mail or ignore her for a few minutes while I made tea or did something else stupid.
What if she felt unloved or scared of me because I was so bad to her. what if she never knew how much I cared about her because I didn’t show it? i don’t know if I’m just forgetting all the good and remembering the bad because of the grief. she was my baby and im so desperately sad without her. my heart was filled to the brim with love for her but what if she didn’t know?