(Closed) Groom better learn how to fight… VENT (sorry, i’ve had an awful week)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The first year living together can be very difficult and communication is key. It sounds like there in not a lot of healthy communication going on here. Maybe setting aside time once a week to go over things might help. Or having a set chores list. Even little things like that can help

Post # 4
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve only been living with my Darling Husband since November and I won’t lie, it’s been HARD!  We have two very different views on how things should be done, how clean the house should be, one going to bed the other wanting to stay up etc etc.  I don’t think we’ve fought as much as we have since we’ve lived together.

With that said, communication is #1, CALMLY!!  Set aside an evening to discuss both your feelings.  Compromise is just as important as communication, and you will both have to make changes to make it work!  Make lists of who does what, what you both think should be done each day/week/month, etc. 

Good luck!  PM me if you want!

Post # 5
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Perhaps it would be worth a few counseling sessions or a couples workshop, where you could learn ways to more effectively communicate with each other.  You should not be feeling like he needs to learn how to fight; you should be feeling like you both need to learn how to communicate more effectively so that you prevent fights. The situations you describe are all fairly easy to fix IF you know how to talk to each other and how not to interpret the other person’s behavior in the context of your own.  I.E. because I can’t go to sleep angry and wake up fine does not mean that he has to adjust his behavior– I just need to learn to understand it and accept it as what it is, and how to ask him to validate my own feelings when we don’t share the same coping style.

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry to hear that. I honestly think that being engaged is a really big stressor. Since my fiance and I got engaged last year we definitely have more fights, but the stress of the wedding really contributes to how you each feel about things, handle them, and react to them. I think if you can remember how much stress you both are under it will help you keep your eye on the big picture. We all are not our best AT ALL under stress, so I would cut both of yourselves some slack. Try to find ways to cut stress out of your life and make time to just relax and hang out when stress for both of you is at a minimum.

Post # 7
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

There are lots of alarming things here for me, including that you describe him as “mean”, that he is not willing to listen to your concerns, that he makes snide remarks, attacking you personally with hurtful remarks, and so on. It is fine if you have different styles of dealing with conflict, but there should be an effort to work together to meet each other and support each other, not attack each other, pout, stomp off, get angry, attack each other, belittle each other’s feelings, and so on. You should NEVER feel like you need to “grow a thick skin” to be with your partner! An intimate relationship should be about being able to be vulnerable and authentic with each other in a supportive and loving environment! Your spouse – your life partner – should definitely not be a “jackass” to you and the way to deal with it should not be to just “suck it up” either!

I think you would both really benefit from counseling, and indeed, I would make that a condition before marriage. You are already showing several of the “relationship killers” that John Gottman talks about in dealing with conflict, and if things are not addressed and worked on and turned around, I do not see a very healthy future ahead for you two. How can it be if you cannot be real with him, and there is no real partnership here, just what he says goes, and when what he says goes is also cruel, disrespectful and unproductive?

I would not agree that “naturally you fight more” as you moved in together, as I think this is far more about a lack of healthy communication skills, a lack of healthy conflict skills, a lack of emotional maturity and so on than anything else. People can move in together and most definitely NOT fall into this kind of pattern. It sounds like there is a lot of power struggling and a lack of respect during conflict. This should not be about him needing to “learn to fight”, it should be about you both wanting to improve your communciation and to treat each other in a more loving manner.

 

Post # 8
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@RayKay:  Agree times 100!

I feel like moving in together certainly provides more opportunities for fights/friction.  And it’s certainly not an easy adjustment after having the freedom to do things in whatever way you choose.  So yeah, it’s work and it’s hard and issues will come up more and you no longer have the option of “calling it a night” and going to your own seperate houses to cool off.  In that aspect, I can understand fighting more because you’ve essentially tripled the time you spend together, you share responsibilities, and you need to adjust to each other like any other roommate minus having a seperate bedroom for when disagreements happen.

BUUUUUUT, as a couple, you’ve got a common goal.  And disagreeing with our partner should get easier, not worse.  I’ve seen it with my parents–they have a great relationship overall and have been together 30 years, but my dad completely steamrolls my mom in arguments.  That has been the status quo my whole life, and neither of them plan on changing.  It made me want more than that for the family I’m creating with SO, so I decided to curb my instinct to just roll over during arguments and find a middle ground.

Learning each others’ conflict styles in a neutral setting like pre-marital counseling will make it easier to come to a compromise, I think.  Maybe he gets an hour to himself to blow off steam, but then you come back and talk about issues, maybe you find something to do to get your mind off things during that time period.  You do NOT need to grow a thicker skin, you two need to find a better way to communicate.  Things will continue to come up throughout your marriage, and you both should find a way to meet in the middle for the sake of your relationship and your future kids.

Post # 10
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@RayKay:  THIS!!

Post # 11
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@mrsc630:  Did you just write out my life story?! I swear we must have the same Darling Husband lol.

PM me if you want; or vise versa and we can vent lol.

The topic ‘Groom better learn how to fight… VENT (sorry, i’ve had an awful week)’ is closed to new replies.

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