(Closed) Groom Changing Last Name

posted 10 years ago in Names
Post # 3
7152 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

The only thing that you can do is continue to be supportive. I am happy that he was able to meet his dad finally. I am sure that meant alot to him. I think it’s great tht you are helping him out…great fiancee’ 🙂

Post # 4
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

What about if he hyphenates his last name? I can see how his mother would find it very insulting for him to change his last name to his fathers’, whom he’s only met once, and especially if she’s manipulative, use it as a way to cause problems! I have to say, I probably would change my kids’ names back to mine if dad was never to be in the picture, too–I’m always surprised that my Mother-In-Law kept her husband’s last name when he walked out on DH’s family when Darling Husband was 2 and that Darling Husband still has his dad’s last name, not his moms. 

It’s probably going to be nasty and you can just be supportive.

Post # 6
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Would YOU feel comfortable taking the name of his father whose family you barely know?  What about if your Fiance just takes your family name when you marry?  That way he can get rid of his mom’s name that he’s not as comfortable with.. but the mom will probably take that better than reverting to his birth name.

Post # 8
2640 posts
Sugar bee

You are being so supportive.  Keep up the good work!  Well I think that your Fi should make the decision he’s comfortable with.  (It sounds like he pretty much has his mind made up.)  I don’t blame him.  The last name he has now isn’t even his mom’s maiden name.  I don’t know exactly why his dad left the picture, but hopefully they resolved that issue.  You say that all of FMIL’s men leave her because they can’t stand her.  I get that but his dad had a child.  He shouldn’t have just left.  (But maybe he didn’t know he had a son, or maybe mom took off.)

I can see why your Fi wants his name, even though he doesn’t know him well.  It’s not just a name.  His dad is 100% Italian, with an Italian last name.  Right from the get go, the name has a bunch of meaning.  And it sounds like your Fiance has gotten some answer sfrom that that he’s been looking for.

Mom will probably be hurt.  But with him changing is last name, she’ll either change her tune, and realize she can’t control him anymore, or just avoid him.  Hopefully she’ll come around.  Sometimes there is no choice available that leaves everyone happy.  But a choice needs to be made.   Good luck.

Post # 9
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think the best thing you can do is just Continue to be supportive in his decisions. Yes his mother my not like the idea but he does have good reasoning. She apparently didn’t put much thought into the changing of his name as a child. If he doesn’t feel a connection with his current name or family then it is his decision to make a change. And if he feels a connection with his father and feels confortable with that change then it’s his decision to make; not his mothers. However; I would encourage him to be up front about meeting him. I would not hide that fact from his mother. I would keep her in the clear with the fact that they have met and are trying to build a relationship. Then when the time comes I would be honest and tell her what you have decided to do. It really shouldn’t be an issue since it’s not her last name anymore anyway.

I have a friend who did this in his late 20’s. He decided after his father past away that he wanted to represent him. So he made a change. Yes his mother was a little shocked and surprised but she was still supportive of her sons decision.

It will be a difficult transition but I think his heart is in the right place.

Post # 11
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s great that he’s gotten the chance to connect with his father, but changing his name and identity based on meeting someone who was absent for most of his life does seem a little rash.  Yes, they connected, but they were also separated for so long.

How do the two of you feel about creating your own shared name together, something to represent the future going forward?  It seems like there’s a lot of messiness in his family’s past and while, yes, his mom is manipulative, I can see how even a reasonable person might be upset at having him do something so major to honor someone who was never there in his childhood.

Post # 13
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

As someone who has never met their father (and probably never will) I am glad they were able to have this experience that not many people get. He currently holds a stranger’s name and his mother was the one who was responsible to bring stranger’s into the house. I think your Fiance should ask his dad first if he may use his last name. Other than that, what is really the difference between the name he currently has which is a stranger’s name or his father’s name who is a stranger but at least they have a connection.

Post # 14
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsCox – I didn’t realize she’d been that forceful in making sure that his father was out of his life.  That is pretty intense.  While I’m generally a fan of new last names, alternative options, etc, I’d agree that it shouldn’t matter what her opinion is, if she’s the type who will find something to be livid about no matter what.

Post # 16
990 posts
Busy bee

This is such an incredble story. I had to read it out loud to my co-worker. You are so supportive and you are fortunate to have each other.

In My Humble Opinion, I think his mom will get over it eventually. He is an adult and she shouldnt try and hold back on your Fiance about who his real father is, she should be happy he took an interest. That, and its not fair for him to grow up feeling like the black sheep of the family because he doesnt look like anyone in the family. And I wouldnt want the last name of the unknown stepfather either. It wouldnt be tied to me, and it wouldnt be who I am. I wish you all the luck in the world.

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